HAPPY NEW YEAR

I want to say how much YOU, each and every one of my blog-buddies, have meant to me. Your comments and friendship are one of the things that I most look forward to every day. Reading your posts on your own blogs make me think, laugh, scratch my head in wonder and sometimes leads me in directions that I never would have found on my own.

I hope each and every one of you have a safe and festive New Year's celebration and that the coming 12 months bring you joy, prosperity and happiness.

I'll be posting my GET LAI'D SOUTHERN STYLE contest post later today. Y'all come back now, ya hear!

A CENTURY'S WORTH OF DIFFERENCE

THE YEAR: 1905

This will boggle your mind. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1905:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21 st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years....
It staggers the mind. Just think of the world your grandchildren and great-grandchildren will live in!!

WARCRAFT - GAY BAR VIDEO

I've seen everything now. Warcraft Gay Bar video by Pretty Pink Ponies guild. Turn your speakers up.
Not for minors.

SOMEONE JUST SHOOT ME

Quick, someone call The CDC!! Evil People have declared biological warfare on the state of Alabama! There's a short-lived stomach virus going around that has got to be bioengineered by the very Devil himself because it doesn't kill you outright. OH NO! That would be too easy. This demon bug makes you wish you would die so you could feel better!

The first I heard of it was from SJ talking about how sick her two little girls were with the "24 Hour Vomit Virus". See how evil this insidious germ is, it's attacking small children! Next it hit my grandson along with two of my sisters, varied nieces, nephews and coworkers.

Then, at 1 AM Monday morning it got me! I spent all day Monday (MY 1 DAY OFF!) and half of Tuesday sitting on the porcelain throne with my head in a garbage can, spewing at both ends. (Not a pretty visual I know. If you're that kinky I'm not sure I even want to know you!) I started off making impossible promises to God that if he would just let me get better I would, well do whatever. After a while I was begging him to go ahead and let me die so I would just not be miserable anymore. Nothing stayed down, meds, water, soda, tea, nada.

I staggered into work Tuesday night expecting at least some sympathy only to find that half the shift had the same crud and several of them had been to the emergency room, including one that First Aid had sent from the plant. See! They're having to evacuate the plant because of this germy menace.

I'm still wobble-legged and just had my first solid food today. Lets hope that I'm on the road to recovery.

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. THE STOMACH-BUG IS HERE... and you're next!

CHRISTMAS 2005 AT THE WATERS

The whole family spent Christmas Eve at the home place, our first one without out parents. It was bittersweet but I guess it's the start of a new tradition. Donna wrote about it better than I ever could. But I've learned one thing, if you've got family everything else will fall into place.

The handsome feller on the left is my grandson.

This is the first public view of my new tattoo celebrating my 50th birthday. I promise I'll post a better picture later.

This is Sweet Thang. Happy looking, isn't he? Of course, he's got me for a girlfriend so why shouldn't he be happy!

Me and my 4 sisters. From the left, bottom row: Teresa, Lana, and me.Top row: Tina and Donna

Every got lots of neat stuff and we all had a great time. Hope y'all had a great Christmas yourselves.

CHRISTMAS EVE

First of all, I want one of these very badly! Please, please, Santa. I promise to be good for the rest of my life if I can have one!!

Work's going well, the management actually brought in a deli tray and everyone is stuffed and hunting a place to sit down.

Tonight I go to the family home for our first Christmas without our parents around to keep us from doing any kind of harm or mayhem to each other. You know what sisters are like and there are 5 of us. Maybe for once we can all get along. No hair pulling, no scratching or eye gouging. Kinda takes all the fun out of getting together but we are the adults now and must set a good example for the kids, damn it.

I'm cruising the blogsphere, checking to see if anyone besides me is online instead of involved in festive holiday happenings. Most of the people I know are last minute shopping or doing family type things. This is almost like Christmas in Prison.

RukSak writes about how mistletoe in a bar can lead to a night in jail on charges of drunk driving a stolen bicycle. He tells a mean story and you ought to go check it out. I promise you'll get a giggle out of it.

Kim's family has a tradition that I want to steal, and Randy has **this** that I covet with all of my heart. I hope to find one in my stocking!

I just discovered Southern Humorists, a page of links to writers that:

We are Southern writers with a strong sense of regional heritage who laugh at our own shortcomings and make diversity into an asset. We are proud of our turnip greens, cornbread and rural past, but recognize football, country music, and car racing as activities of a new South. We would also like to go on record as the humorist group with the most couches on the front porch and the greatest number of junk cars rusting in the backyard.

These folks has tons of stories of Southern traditions and stories that are good for hours of entertainment.

Guess I need to go and pretend to be working. Only a few hours till I can go home, grab a quick shower and check out what kinda goodies my sisters have baked. That's one advantage to working all the time, everyone else does the cooking.

Merry Christmas, y'all (yes I can say that, it's my blog). Hope Santa brings lots of presents and you get kissed or better under the mistletoe.

DEAR SANTA

Dear Santa,
I would very much like the contents of this picture for Christmas. I've been a very good girl this year and it's time I got a little naughty.
Sincerely,
Junebugg

I DONE MESSED UP

The guys here at work are always on me to bake or cook for them "seeing as I'm a woman". Now don't let this fool you, lots of the guys here cook on a regular basis and they do a darn good job.

We've got an built-in oven and a regular stove top, so the men can cook a full course meal if things run OK. Some of my best meals are out here in the plant, cooked by some hard-ankle with a nickname like "Roper" or "JR" and might involve anything from turnip greens with smoked turkey to a venison roast to homemade spaghetti. They always do a mean breakfast - eggs every-which-way, gravy, grits, bacon, sausage (both pork and deer) and biscuits. We eat good, as you could tell if you saw MY hind quarters or the gut lots of these guys drive around. (Why is it when men get older they lose their ass and get this huge gut? Just how do they keep their britches up, it defies the laws of gravity!!)

Today, I brought the fixings to make both a blackberry and a peach cobbler. Not little cobblers either, each one completely filled a sheet cake pan. Of course I just had to bring along one of those 2 1/2 gallon buckets of ice cream, you can't have cobbler hot out of the oven without ice cream!!

Now every one is in a cobbler-induced coma. I heard one man claim that "I think I got blackberries in my eye" when asked why his head was nodding and his eyelids looked droopy. I think the whole department has OD'ed on sugar and it's my fault or so they're saying when I tell them to get up and walk it off.

It's a good thing the plant is running well, because I don't think anyone is in any shape to run up the staircase to the 11th floor, at least I know that I'm not!. Now come on quitting time, I need a nap.

I'M SO MAD I COULD SPIT

I've been browsing the blogsphere and ran across "this disgusting piece of misogyny". The sad thing is that these comments are in response to an article from Vox Day, the Christian Libertarian commentator from WorldNetDaily where he claims that rape is a myth.

Just to show you what a fine upstanding Christian feller he is, I quote:

"I have to confess that I don't understand this ceaseless quest for victimhood. Being raped doesn't confer some mystical moral superiority on a woman, it just makes her a victim. And unfortunately, in all too many cases, it just makes her a stupid one."

I'd love to toss Mr. Day (notice how nice I'm being) in jail and let a few jailhouse Romeos call him "Sweet Cheeks" while they take turns reaming out his fine moral uptight ass. Maybe use a broom handle when all the guys got tired and needed a smoke break.

Sorry , I gotta go. I'm too mad to type.

HAIR CUT AND LIGHTS

I finally got that hair cut I've been needing wanting. It's not exactly what I asked for, but it's not too bad. Of course it'll never look this way again, she styled all the curl out it and I'm a wash and go gal myself. A little make-up probably would have helped, too.

Tonight I go with sister Teresa and her family to look at the Christmas lights. This is an annual thing and we know where all the super-duper tacky light displays are. There's something about Christmas lights that bring out the kid in us. We all ride around and go "OOOOO, pretty!" as we crane our necks and point out the festive houses to each other. What can I say, we're easily entertained. Hope y'all have a good night, I plan to.

Later the same night.........


We found Santa and Drennon (my grandson) had to get his picture taken. Try as we might, all we could get out of him was the fake, shit-eating grin. I know the boy can smile, I've seen it!!

Gotta go to bed now, up at 3:30 and back to work.

LEI'D

Here I am modeling the lovely leis that DB sent me from Hawaii. The black and red lei is the Aloha traveling lei that YOU CAN WIN when I have my contest, slated to start on NEW YEAR'S DAY.

The way DB put it was "The idea is that we want to send this Aloha lei all around the world if we can. Eventually it should have tags from everywhere its been. I will keep track of the leis’ progress so we always know where it is. Simple enough?" Sounds good, doesn't it?

Notice the wind-blown hair (damn I need a hair cut) and the puffy face from lack of sleep. Not the best picture, but I just came home from work. Also note that my son, Chane, took the picture tilted to one side. Must be genetic, I'm a little warped myself.

Thanks to DB and B'Tude for coming up with this wonderful idea. Everyone come back and enter my version of "HOW TO GET LEI'D" 'Bama style. I'll even let you know what my question will be so you can be thinking of your answer. This being Christmas I thought the perfect contest would be:

"What is the strangest/most unusual/most unique gift you've ever received?"


Remember people, YOU TOO CAN GET LEI'D! Aloha, y'all.

SKETCH ARTIST

This is a sketch of Karen (on the right) and Me (on the left) done by a sidewalk artist at Point Mallard park. I think I love him, he made me look better than any picture!




I'm ready for my closeup now, Mr. DeMill!

BRITISH SEASONAL BLOGGING

Check out the British Christmas blog Tis The Season written by, and I quote:

Sisters Meg and Anna (not in the nun sense of the word) (they're actually related) (and aren't nuns) and Brothers Cliff and Jonny (Not related, just franciscan monks)(not really). End quote.

These are folks from across the big pond and I get a kick out of the difference between their habits/celebrations/language/humor and ours.

Here's an example of their stuff that I stole borrowed.

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus(and other traumatic childhood incidents)
I saw Daddy fiddling with an elf
I saw the dog dry-humping the Virgin Mary
I saw Grandma pinching an angel's bum
I heard that Rudolf was a crap shag
I walked in on my cousin and a shepherd in the sack
I saw my uncle George playing with his horn
I saw grandad giving the turkey a right good stuffing
I heard something on the roof, I swear I did will you go and look
I saw Grandma playing with Santa's sack
I saw Eddie from next door coming down my friend's chimney
I saw Aunt Grace grappling with Daddy's package
I joined in as my brothers roasted the bird
I saw the Queen's peaches

TWEAKING

I'm trying to stay awake here at work, so I'm playing with the template. How do ya like the random saying generator?

I got tired of the pics on the title bar, so I'll just go bare for now.

LEI ME DOWN TO SLEEP

Yep, the time stamp is right, 2 AM as in early morning. I got off work at 6 pm, went Christmas shopping, and come home to multiple emergency phone calls from work on the answering machine. In bed at 9 PM, up at 12:30 AM and back at work.

Let's see, 7 days X 12 hours + 4 hours extra + 2 hours call in time = Christmas is paid for and then some. Now I need several weeks vacation to recover from the month of December.

I received DB's lei package from Hawaii and I must say he and B'Tude done things up right. I got all kinds of goodies and they even remembered my Grandson. Pictures were going up today but with this schedule it might be another day. I promise to do it ASAP. Right now I'd probably look like a raccoon with the dark circles under my eyes (not to mention the bed-head look I'm sporting. Sorry, I ain't fixing my hair at 12:30 after just a few hours of sleep).

Since this is Christmas week and everyone being so busy with family and shopping, my version of the contest to pass on the traveling lei will start the first week of 2006. A new year to see how far we can send DB's lei around the world.

WHEN DADDY LET ME DRIVE

On the way to work this morning the country song "When Daddy Let Me Drive" came on the radio and memories of Dad came flooding back.

I grew up on an 80 acre cattle farm, the oldest of 5 girls. As far back as I can remember I was Dad's shadow. Mom used to tell stories about me, barely old enough to walk, sitting at the local service station with Dad and the "Dead Pecker Bench" crowd. How all his hard-ankle buddies plied me with banana kisses while they swapped hunting stories and other manly lies.

I remember standing in the truck seat (back then NO ONE even knew about infant car seats) cruising the gravel roads with a dog box in the back as Dad made the rounds of his dog-trading friends. These good-ole-boys bragged about their hunting dogs (coon, rabbit or deer, if it ran they chased it with dogs) the way men now-a-days rave about their cars and power tools and traded dogs like a kid trades baseball cards

Back to the song. When I was around 11, Dad had me get in the truck with him and go to the back field to check on some hay he had cut several days earlier. When we got ready to return to the house, he told me to get in the truck and take it home while he drove the tractor. Whoa, I was supposed to drive! ALONE!

The truck was an old Ford with a three speed on the column. Having never had any driving lessons, I guess Dad thought that I had learned to shift gears by osmosis. I climbed in the cab and sat for a minute trying to remember which gear was where and which pedal was the brake and which the clutch. Speaking of pedals, by stretching my legs as far as I possible I could just barely reach them with my toe.

Dad perched on the tractor behind the truck and started yelling, "Go on to the house, I'm right behind you". I wasn't tall enough to see him in the rearview mirror but I imagine he had a smirky smile on his face.

I muttered under my breath about him being a coward for not riding with me on my maiden voyage as I jammed the clutch down and turned the key. After much grinding of gears and lots of jerky starts that resulted in killing the engine I managed to get the wheels rolling and started down the rutted lane to the house.

I bet I drove all of 5 mph as I dodged cows, potholes and trees on the way to the house. I almost tore the side mirror off when I nearly sideswiped a pine tree but I made it to the yard in one piece, killed the engine and got out. I actually felt proud of myself, but Dad acted like I had been driving for years.

Mom flew out of the house with "that look" on her face. It turned out that she knew nothing about my solo driving until she looked out and saw me in the truck alone. She stood in front of Dad with her arms crossed and demanded "What would you have done if she had hit that tree!!"

All Dad did was calmly reply "I'd have told her to back up and start again".

Mom passed last year and Dad joined her this past spring. Christmas Day will be their 51st anniversary. I miss them both.

HOME AWAY FROM HOME

I received several comments and e-mails wanting to know where I worked because I keep talking about long shifts and tons of overtime. So I present you with the International Papers , Courtland Alabama Mill (my home away from home) which is located on the beautiful Tennessee river and covers a little more than 60 acres. I've even included some downloadable files to show you some of the mill operations.

I work in the control room of our power plant, which is the same as your city utilities. We produce all the steam, electricity, waste treatment and water for the mill. I'm talking about enough to supply a city the size of Huntsville, AL. The plant has won numerous environmental awards, so we must do a decent job of it.

Welcome to my world. (Click on picture for a larger view.)

HO HO HO

Tacky Tinsel Tour '05

104.3 WZYP, one of our local radio stations has an annual Tacky Tinsel Tour where you send pictures of your (or your neighbors) Christmas decorations and the station posts them on it's web site. I thought some of you might get a kick out of seeing them. This is a typical example and go here to see a few more. Although we don't get any snow, everyone around here still gets into the holiday mood by stringing up lights ala Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation.

I haven't got a tree up yet, but Santa has put a big dent in the checkbook! I didn't even have to fight the crowds much although Karen did give the clerks in WalMart hell when they tried to refuse to get some toys down from the very top shelf for us. (She's a mean little woman, all 105 pounds of her).

I tried to convince the six-year-old that we could stick a bow on the cat's head and let that be all the decorating, but neither he nor the cat agreed with the idea! I guess I'll have to try to get a tree up one evening after work.

Here's hoping you're all in the holiday mood, that you find the perfect gift for everyone on your list and that you find something wonderful under the tree or in your stocking on the 25th!

I GOT LEI'D!!!

Excuse me while I catch my breath and sit down for a minute. I'm plumb giddy and light in the head! I don't think I've ever had a man do this to me before!(imagine "Like a Virgin" playing in the background).

DB has lei'd me all the way from Hawaii (I hope it was as good for him as it was for me!). Well, OK. He lei'd three of us gals {me, 3T, and Chris) . It seems that DB is quite the stud, which makes B'Tude one lucky woman!

Even better, I'm special, but of course you already knew that. Quote:

"The traveling lei will be sent to JuneBugg this time so she can hold her own contest for the next winner."

Yep folks, I get to have my very own contest. See, here are DB's rules.

1. At the end of my contest, I will ship both leis` to one lucky winner.
2. One you will get to keep, the other you will ship to the next lucky winner along with a small gift from your own state or country.
3. You must attach a creative tag to the "traveling lei", such as "Aloha from Hawaii", or "Howdy from Texas", etc., and your blog address. The tag should be no larger that the size of an airline baggage tag or Xmas tag so we can get lots of them on there.
4. When you receive the lei, you must post a picture of yourself wearing it and holding a sign that says "I got lei'd by DB in Hawaii" (or whomever you got the lei from). Also post a link back to me and the person you got the lei from so we can keep track of our Aloha, as well as these rules personalized to your own site.
5. Then create your own contest for the next winner, but the
rules for the traveling lei will remain the same. The contest should run for no shorter than a week and no longer than two weeks.

So expect to see a pic of me getting lei'd (OOOO, pornography!!) and some kinda contest where you, too, can get lei'd plus recieve something from the Deep South otherwise known as Alabama.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go smoke and just enjoy the afterglow. It's not everyday that I get lei'd.

LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET

"SSSSHHHH! Do you see anyone around?" she says, apprehensively twisting her head from side to side like a spastic chicken watching a tennis match, eyes darting every which-a-way. "Come closer so I can whisper in your ear. Don't tell anyone or they might change the schedule before I can get out of there Friday evening. There's a rumor that I might actually get Saturday and Sunday off."

That’s a whole 48 hours without having to drag out of bed at 3:30 AM, stagger out into freezing weather and drive 20 something miles while only half awake with only one eye open. I saw on Discovery Health Channel how sleep deprivation was as dangerous as drunk driving. So y'all be glad that you didn't meet me on the road, I was definitely punch drunk for lack of sleep.

No buzzers crying "Something’s wrong". No having to try to translate static filled radio transmissions and hoping that you started the right pump/motor and that no one had their fingers in it. No worries about explosions or leaks or power demand or electrical outages.

I might even get a Christmas tree up. I would love to invite Sweet Thang, the grandson and a few friends over and have a Tree Trimming. Not only would I get to see folks that I've missed but I get help plus someone else to blame if the tree is warped or all the decorations wind up on one side.

I also need/want to talk to Santa Clause. I'm running late this year and gotta get on the ball with my present buying. With all this overtime, I've got money to buy really nice gifts for everyone and no time to shop.

I'm even having problems doing any on-line shopping, I fall asleep right after I walk in the door. I even had to ask someone else to go to the bank and deposit my paycheck from 3 weeks ago because I ran out of drink machine change and the bank closes hours before I get off and I don't have an ATM card. (Breath Bugg, that sentence is too long and rambling) The story of my life, either too much, too little, too early, or too late!

This will probably be the only days I have off until after Christmas. The talk is I might have to work until after New Years. So I’ve got 2 days to HO HO HO and GO GO GO.

If y'all are in my neighborhood this weekend, drop by. We'll drink some eggnog with a dash of cheer added in and I'll even let you play with my Christmas balls.

BLOOD SHOT EYES AND WILD HAIR

Yesterday. Up at 3:30 AM and on my way to work. Got home at 7 PM. Went to bed at 9 PM. Emergency phone call at 12:30 AM and back at work at 2:30 AM.

Damn, my eyes feel like they've been sandpapered and my hair looks like a birdnest in a hurricane. I could play the part of a zombie in any horror movie and not even need makeup.

I'm going home and fall in bed JUST AS SOON AS I CAN.

Please God, don't let anything else tear up and make all the assholes on nightshift show up.

HELP ME GET LEI'D!!!

Bitichitude is having a blogathon and answering readers questions. The person who gets the most comments on their question and B'Tude's answer gets lei'd!! So go over there, LEAVE A COMMENT, and help a girl out. I need lei'd in a bad way!!!


If you want to enter the fun, ask her a question of your own. My question was "Define what it is that makes You and DB such a good couple. Come on girl, we want all the juicy details!" Man, the answer was as good as a romance novel.

While you're over there, check out DB's blog. He's doing a little lei'ing of his own.


NOW GO FORTH AND COMMENT!!



AIN'T THEY CUTE?

THEY GOT IT WRONG!

I don't think this one was quite right! Then again, maybe I'm not the person I think I am. But if not, WHO THE HELL AM I!


You are a Lily:

You are graceful, gentle, calm, and pure and
perhaps a little shy (though your shyness is
part of your charm). You are a very honorable
person who always wants to do the right thing.
Your calm attitude has a soothing effect on
others.

Symbolism: The lily has long been used as a symbol
of majesty, honor, chastity, and purity of
heart.


Which Flower are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

FEMALE WISDOM

"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour".

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.-Cora Harvey Armstrong-


Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.-Unknown-

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.-Helen Hayes(at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.-Bette Davis-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.-Jennifer Unlimited-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.-Caryn Leschen-


I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.-Catherine-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.-Dolly Parton-

Oh yeah..... rememeber the 70s?If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. he he... this one's for Larry!-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Yep!-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.-Maryon Pearson-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.-Eleanor Roosevelt-

TIME WASTER

Found at Not Your Typical Southern Bell. Damn, I was hoping for a naked male mud wrestler.

Who is your Harry Potter love match? (for girls).

Fred or George Weasley
The practical joke was invented for people like
you. You love to be surprised, and revel with
a guy who has a wicked sense of humour, is
always optimistic, and has the same merry
disregard for rules as you.


Who is your Harry Potter love match? (for girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

Kitchen Magnets for the Modern Woman...

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Here's your morning funnies. I'm not awake enough to post anything else, and I doubt that anything will happen here at work worth talking about. Someone go get me another cup of coffee! Thanks to the Green Eyed Girl for the funnies.















A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed! "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic. He loves this dress!" The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

DRUNKEN SANTA

I couldn't help myself! I just had to steal borrow this from Tin Can Man. Reckon Santa's been out with a ho ho whore? Can you get a DUI for drunken sleighing? What will the reindeer think?

MY FRIENDS THINK THEY'RE FUNNY

I got to work this morning and found these funnies in my company e-mail. It seems that my friends have missed my charm and witty repartee causing them to track me down here at work. Resourceful little devils, I have no idea how they got the addy!

I guess they were afraid that I wouldn't check my personal e-mail. Thank God they didn't send any pictures of naked men {I hope I find a few of those in my personal e-mail!!!!!!!!!!} First they make fun of my Celtic heritage and then they get political. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! {This includes you guys, too}.
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The! state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Subject: I Love Grandmas
Here's a quote from someone who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of My sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
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Hey I like this last one. Go Grandma!!!

TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

Driving in to work this morning I was admiring all the Christmas lights and decorations that have sprung up since Thanksgiving. Most of the houses I pass are starting to look quite festive. It's almost enough to put me in the holiday mood. BUT I kept punching the "scan" button on the radio trying to escape all the same old Christmas carols. Don't get me wrong, I like "Dashing Through The Snow", "Chestnuts Roasting Over An Open Fire" and "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" as much as the next person. But enough is enough people, it's not even December yet.

Ever notice how the stars seem so much brighter and closer when the weather is cold? The rain is gone, chased away by a cold front. At 4:30 AM the sky was crystal clear and packed full of twinkling stars that put the Christmas lights to shame. No matter how much we spend on lights and trimmings, nothing can touch Mother Nature when it comes to lavish displays.

It's the simple pleasures like star gazing and children's hugs that make life worthwhile. I almost pulled over to the side of the road to admire the show but work was calling and I had to go.

BLOWING IN THE WIND

It's raining like pouring piss out of a boot and we're under a tornado watch until 6 PM. Here I am trapped at work waiting to see if I get to go home or get froze on emergency duty.

I love living in the South, but sometimes the weather sucks. Like right now in the middle of tornado season. Here's what the weather channel says about us.

TORNADO WATCH 884 REMAINS VALID UNTIL
6 PM CST THIS AFTERNOON FOR THE FOLLOWING
AREAS IN ALABAMA THIS WATCH INCLUDES 11
COUNTIES IN

NORTH CENTRAL ALABAMA
CULLMAN LIMESTONE MADISON MORGAN

IN NORTHEAST ALABAMA
DEKALB JACKSON MARSHALL

IN NORTHWEST ALABAMA
COLBERT FRANKLIN LAUDERDALE LAWRENCE

THIS INCLUDES THE CITIES OF.ATHENS.CULLMAN...DECATUR.
FLORENCE.FORT PAYNE.GUNTERSVILLE.HUNTSVILLE.
MOULTON. MUSCLE SHOALS.RUSSELLVILLE
AND SCOTTSBORO

.

Yep, Moulton in Lawrence County. That's me.

LAY A LITTLE LOVIN' ON ME

The clock has stopped! No really, it has. I've been sitting here staring at it and the hands aren't moving. Time has frozen and I'll be stuck here at work forever. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh, wait. There, the minute hand moved. I'm safe.

After working all these 12-hour midnight shifts in a row I actually get 24 hours off! Yes people, when I escape this place at 6 AM Sunday morning I don't have to come back until 6 AM Monday morning. That's one whole off day if I manage not to fall asleep.

And I have plans. To hell with the basket of dirty laundry (I've got tons of clothes, I just never get to go anywhere to wear them). The cat can lick the dishes piled in the sink clean. The messy house won't bother me. "Why", do you ask?

Because I'm not going home. It's cold and rainy and my big empty bed doesn't sound inviting. It's Sunday and Sweet Thang doesn't have to work today. I plan to go to his house and bang on the door until he gets up and lets me in. Then I'm going to crawl into his nice warm bed and cuddle up with him skin to skin.

Yes people, I'm going to get naked and wrap myself around that 6'5" hunk of maleness and insist that he warm me up. I'll leave how to his imagination. And we all know how men are in the morning!

BLACK AND BLUE FRIDAY

I refuse to do the after holiday sale shit. Always have and my friends have never understood why. Now I have proof that I'm a semi-smart lady to do so. I'm not taking my life in my hands just to save a $$$

Josephine Hoffman, 73, falls to floor amid mad rush at Sawgrass Mills Mall in Broward County, Fla. (courtesy South Florida Sun-Sentinel)

And this insanity in the same Walmart. Check the news, this stupid behavior is happening all over the country, not just in Florida. What happened to manners and common decency? When did it become alright to hit and shove and trample in the name of "SALE"?

Go here to see a video of an fight at an Orlando Walmart. What is the world coming to when people trample elderly women and come to actual fist fights to save a few dollars? I think I'll do most of my shopping online this year.

PREGNANT TURKEY

I recieved this e-mail today and just had to share it. Aren't families wonderful! I promised not to name the person who told this story but YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE and I love ya. You can tell she's not a Southerner because she says "stuffing" instead of "dressing".


PREGNANT TURKEY

One Christmas, my Mom (who is now deceased) went to
my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how
gullible my sister is, Mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, Mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it
into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed
the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey
out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in
and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock
on her face, our Mother exclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a
pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to
cry. It took the family nearly two hours to convince her
that turkeys lay eggs!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Here's a couple of funnies to get you in the Thanksgiving mood. I'm so thankful for my friends, family, and good health. I'm also extremely thankful for you guys, all my blog buddies, who lighten up my day, make me giggle, make me think and most of all give me something to look forward to.





And then we have the Butterball Turkey Hotline (800-323-4848 ) odd questions as vetted by Scopes.com.

One of the more unusual questions handled by Butterball's Turkey Talk-Line (which the company has operated since 1981) comes from those who have mistaken a well-traveled joke for an actual recipe: They call to ask if they can pop popcorn in the turkey's cavity during the roasting process. (The joke's punch
line is: "You know the turkey is done when the popcorn pops and blows the rear off the bird.") And no, you can't.

The hotline has heard from a gal who couldn't find the turkey she buried in a snowbank, a guy who wanted to know how to carve his bird with a chain saw, and a mechanic who worried about using motor oil as a baste.

Then there was the young mother who failed to notice her
children playing near the oven-ready bird. The kids decided the turkey's cavity was a good place to park toy cars. Their mom didn't discover Ol' Tom was doubling as a garage until after the turkey had been roasted.

Another confused cook called the Butterball line after cleaning her turkey because she wanted to know how to get the metal pieces out. "Apparently," said one of the Butterball economists, "she had scrubbed her bird with a steel scouring pad." A
West Coast woman who had taken anti-bacterial precautions too far called Butterball to find out how to get the bleach she'd used off her bird.

Butterball turkey experts still talk about the Kentucky woman who called in 1993 to ask how to get her dog out of her turkey. It seems the woman's Chihuahua had dived into the bird's cavity and become trapped there. The woman tried pulling the pooch and shaking the bird, all to no avail. A Butterball economist finally suggested the woman carefully cut the opening in the turkey wider to release the captive canine.

The Reynolds Wrap Turkey Tips Line (800-745-4000) took a query from a woman who wanted to know if she could cook
her turkey by placing it in a Reynolds Oven Bag, putting it in the window in the back of her car, and letting the heat from the sun bake the turkey. (She was told that would be an uncontrolled heat source and was instructed to use an oven instead.)

The folks at Butterball have also dealt with cooks determined
to roast turkeys on the back ledges of their cars. And they've had people call to ask if they could cook their holiday birds on radiators. Then there was the bride who had a small, apartment-size range and was worried the turkey would get larger as it cooked (similar to a loaf of bread rising) — she was fretting she
wouldn't be able to get it out of the oven after it was done.

There are those whose problems are not how to get the turkey out of the oven, but when. Said Nancy Rodriguez, coordinator of the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line in 1985, "One lady in Arkansas had her five-pound turkey in the oven 24 hours — did we
think it was done? Another caller wanted to know the best method for reattaching the thighs and drumsticks when they fall off. His 12-pound turkey had been in the oven since 8 a.m. the day before."

The self-cleaning option offered on a number of ranges has caused its share of Thanksgiving troubles when confused cooks have inadvertently started its cycle while their birds were in
the oven. Others have different range-related questions, such as: "Your directions say to roast the turkey, but my oven says only bake or broil; how do I set it?"

BORROWED WISDOM

As a lot of you know, my sisters and I lost both of our parents in the past year. So when I found this, time went rolling back and I could once again hear the voice of my Mom yelling lecturing me and my 4 sisters on our constant misbehaving. Isn't it amazing how parents the world over seem to say the same thing?

I just had to steal borrow this from Sorcha over at We Are NOT Amused. Obviously, she's a lady with a lot of wit and wisdom. I wish I could take credit for this but Sorcha is the woman of the day.

Sorcha, thanks for bringing back my childhood and the memories of Mom this holiday season. It's not the same without her and Dad, but the happiness of our shared family funnies and the love we found together helps.

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC."Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA."You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE."I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION."Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING."You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

TATTOOED

Sorry I haven't posted. There's been some family drama going on, but I can't talk about that.

On my birthday the girls and I went to Ink City Tattoos. For my 50th birthday I got my first tattoo, pictures of which will be posted as soon as I have some. Karen also got a small winged tattoo but we couldn't talk Carol into biting the bullet and getting inked, although she did hang around and lend lots of moral support. There you go folks, female bonding at it's finest.

I now have two Celtic dragons interlocked into the symbol for infinity residing on my lower back. At first I got that particular tattoo because it just spoke to me.

I didn't even notice it was the symbol for infinity until Sweet Thang pointed it out while rubbing lotion on it for me. He also pointed out that the two dragons seemed to be locked in battle like as in good verses evil and that it was the same as the yin/yang symbol. Later, I got to doing some research and everything clicked. I was meant to have that tattoo!

I have Celtic heritage. The dragon is a symbol of power, wisdom, and one who has overcome an adversary or fortress (like maybe 50 years of life and family strife of every kind??) and exemplifies elemental power, especially of the earth. It is sometimes a waterserpent or monster and haunt wells or pools (I'm a Scorpio, a water sign).

Infinity, well, 50 sure seems like forever sometimes. I'm always locked in a battle between good and evil. I mean, I know what I should do, but what I want to do is usually something entirely different!!

So, there you have it. I've been inked and now I have to get pictures. I need to figure out how to do it and still stay PG rated. Those dragon's tails go, well, lets just say they go lower than my lowest pair of hip huggers. I'm sure Sweet Thang will be more than willing to play photographer!!

THE BIG 5-0

Happy Birthday to me! This is the big 5-0 and I swear I don't feel that old. It's amazing how time changes your outside, as you can see from the pictures. Getting old is not my idea of fun, but it sure beats the alternative! My girlfriends and I are going out tonight and see what we can get into. I'll give you all the sorted details later, if we don't get into something that I can't talk about with incriminating someone!

My God, don't you just hate those school pictures!

Damn, I looked good at 18!


Me and Mom in better days.

Me now, all work and not near enough play.

MY GUYS

These are the two men in my life. Chane, my son, and Drennon, my grandson. Aren't they handsome devils!


Never too young to want to see a wet T-shirt!


Dad's turn!


Late night TV.


Smile!


Fun with Scooby Doo!

INNER DRAGON

My Wiccan friends are really into dragons right now. They say that the dragon is a mighty magical animal that is a creature of fire but is also related to the Power of the Land. The whole Earth was viewed by the Druids as the body of the Dragon. Of course, these are supposed to be some of the most powerful elementals that can be called on.

They're all taking this inner dragon quiz at Dragon Hame. I was amazed at how close to home the description was! What's your inner dragon?

My inner dragon is:

Diamond Dragon

In the war between good and evil, a Diamond Dragon tends to walk the fine line of Neutrality.

When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon is a risk taker and answers to no one.

As far as magical tendancies, a Diamond Dragon's nature does not lend itself well to the ways of Magic.

During combat situations, a true Diamond Dragon prefers to defeat opponents by the use of spells and other tactics.

Dragon Description:

The Diamond Dragon is most at home in Cool, Sunny Regions. They are Multi-Facetted individuals who inspire others to better themselves and the world around them. Unless a Diamond Dragon is the CENTER of attention, they appear to be dulled and yearning for the lime-light.

Though a Diamond Dragon is quite rare to find, if you happen upon one, be sure to be a true friend. Diamond Dragons don't like to be lied to or back stabbed. Lest they turn on you the same way, tenfold. They are Loyal, fun loving, gentle, honest, caring, and extremely wise. They also tend to be introverted when hurt by someone close, and their friends or companions are like family. So beware not to anger them. While they look and for all intents and purposes are easy going, when it comes to family and friends, they will defend to the death if need be and you may just find yourself enemy number one.

This Dragons favorite elements are: Fire, Diamonds, Deep Caverns