TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE

Dear Proctor and Gamble Company,

I am writing to say what an excellent product Tide is! I've always used Tide all through my married life as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, Gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people!

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Customer

THERE SHE BLOWS

Hurricane Katrina has made it to North Alabama and she's keeping me awake. The noise is drowning out the TV and both air conditioners. The wind is howling outside, the TV said we had gusts up to 80 mph. I looked out the door and the trees are being blown sideways and the patio furniture is scattered across the lawn. There are limbs and leaves all over the place, even inside the carport! The poor dogs are huddled up on the doorstep trying to come inside.

Tomorrow morning is garbage day but I know if I put the cans out I'll have trash decorating the lawn and trees. I'll have enough to clean up with the tree debris Katrina is tossing around.

I hope everyone is OK, I haven't heard from my friends down South. Maybe this is a case of "no news is good news". I know lots of the coast is without power or phones. I'm going to try to sleep again, at least lie down and get some rest. Later y'all.

MABON FEAST

I just recieved an invitation to my first celebration of a pagon holiday. It's sponsered by the Shadows and Light Shoppe and I may go. It's definitely different from anything I've ever been to before and I think it'll be a hoot to attend. Plus I'll get to meet people that I'd never have the opportunity to see anywhere else. I pride myself on having an open mind and I guess this is my chance to prove it. I think it'll be fun!!

This is the info that the ladies at the Shoppe inclosed. What do y'all think? Would YOU go???

September 22, Thursday - Mabon, Witch's Thanksgiving, Eating of the Yams
SABBATS ~ Mabon - Autumn Equinox
History- Celebrated on the Fall Equinox. Celebrated with wine, apples, garlands, gourds and cornucopias. With decorations of orange, russet and maroon. Honoring the aging Gods and Harvest deities.
Mabon History- Mabon (May-bawn) is also known as the Feast of Avalon and the festival of the Wine Harvest. To the Celts, Avalon is the mysterious place for the land of the dead and literally means the "land of apples". Thus this is a holiday for celebrating the bounty of the harvest and the desire for the living to be reunited with their deceased loved ones.
The holiday is also named for the Welsh God Mabon. Mabon means the "great son". He was the son of Mordred, kidnapped at the age of 3 and later rescued by King Arthur. His life represents the innocence of youth, the strength of survival and the growing wisdom of the elderly. Perhaps it is this view of the cycle of life that brings Mabon to his most popular role, the King of the Other world and the God of Darkness. His myths overlap with other Gods such as the Welsh God Gwyn Ap Nuad, which means "white son of darkness". He is seen as the God of war and death, the patron God of fallen warriors. Once again this is a representation or connection to the Land of Avalon.
The Purpose of Mabon as a holiday- Mabon represents the time of honoring the dead, visiting burial sites, giving thankfulness for the end of the harvest season and the bounty it provides. These are the themes of closing, letting go and remembering. For the year, the harvest and for those who were lost to land of Avalon during the year. Although many view the Harvest season as a celebration of life, it is also a celebration of death. The bounty you gather from your garden provides nourishment for you, family and friends. But it is also the death of those plants and vegetables which have been harvested from that garden. Thus Mabon is a celebration of the cycle of life.
Mabon Celebration-There are many ways to give honor during this 2nd harvest festival. One old traditional way is to visit the burial sites of your loved ones, placing an apple on their marker. This represents the promise of the Great Spirits for renewed life (a new incarnation).
This is a Celtic festival of thanksgiving, so what a better way to give thanks than to prepare a meal with the harvest of your garden. Those that indulge in wine can brew a new batch of this home made nectar of the Gods. Those that do not indulge, can brew preserves and jellies from grapes, raspberries and blackberries. Don't forget an apple pie for dessert. A main course can consist of meats, most often red meats. But this is just a suggestion. In this day and age of healthy eating, you should prepare a meal that fits your personal lifestyle. However, your side dishes should consist of late summer and early fall vegetables.
During your meal, share tales and happy stories about those you lost during the year. Or share your experiences and review the lessons you feel you have learned during this past season. Reflect on your deeds and actions and give thanks for the gifts you were given.
After your meal, share the chore of cleaning up. This is a way of showing honor and respect to your host and hostess. Think of it as a physical action to show that you understand the interconnection of all life and the desire to respect what you have been given and thanks for receiving those gifts. During the evening hours you can continue the festival with a formal holiday ritual. There are as many ways and suggestions for conducting such a ceremony as there are people on this planet.
End your evening in private reflection. It is important for anyone practicing a spiritual life to reflect on his or her actions. Record your thoughts, your emotions and your experiences. This is the true value of your book of shadows. And there is no better time to take stock of yourself and your life than during a High Holy Day.

Shadows and Light Shoppe - Hoodoo, Conjure, New Orleans Voodoo_ (http://www.shadowsandlightshoppe.com/)
401 8th Street SE Decatur, AL

HE SAID

I went to visit The Dax Files and followed the link to Velicoman's tale of the Blood Bath. Now I can't get it out of my mind, so I can't write anything. You need to go and see it for yourself. The name says it all.

DAMN IT

Hell, Chris ain't running for president! He's the only one who could scare the piss out of all those USA bashing folks across the pond. Now we'll probably be stuck with that idiot George forever. Why do those net hoaxers break my heart this way? Now we have more of the following to look forward to:

IT'S THE PRESIDENT, STUPID! - BUSH QUOTES

"Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well." -George W. Bush, June 4, 2001

"It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001

"So on behalf of a well-oiled unit of people who came together to serve something greater than themselves, congratulations." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001

"If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all." -George W. Bush, May 22, 2001

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." -George W. Bush, May 14

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." -George W. Bush, May 11, 2001

"But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe." -George W. Bush, May 1, 2001

"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country." -George W. Bush, on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001

"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." -George W. Bush, at the Summit of the Americas in Quebec City, April 21, 2001

"Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican." -George W. Bush, declining to take reporters' questions during a photo op with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, April 21, 2001

"It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children." -George W. Bush, on "parental empowerment in education," April 12, 2001

"I think we're making progress. We understand where the power of this country lay. It lays in the hearts and souls of Americans. It must lay in our pocketbooks. It lays in the willingness for people to work hard. But as importantly, it lays in the fact that we've got citizens from all walks of life, all political parties, that are willing to say, I want to love my neighbor. I want to make somebody's life just a little bit better." -George W. Bush, April 11, 2001

"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end." -George W. Bush, April 10, 2001

"It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is." -George W. Bush, at a White House Press conference, March 29, 2001

"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." -George W. Bush, speaking at the Radio & Television Correspondents dinner, March 29, 2001

"A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts are that thousands of small businesses - Hispanically owned or otherwise - pay taxes at the highest marginal rate." -George W. Bush, speaking to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, March 19, 2001

"But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide behind the-that don't let people in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of authoritarian regimes. The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans." -George W. Bush, in a media roundtable discussion, March 13, 2001

"I do think we need for a troop to be able to house his family. That's an important part of building morale in the military." -George W. Bush, speaking at Tyndall Air Force Base in Florida, March 12, 2001

"I suspect that had my dad not been president, he'd be asking the same questions: How'd your meeting go with so-and-so? … How did you feel when you stood up in front of the people for the State of the Union Address-state of the budget address, whatever you call it." -George W. Bush, in an interview with the Washington Post, March 9, 2001

"Ann and I will carry out this equivocal message to the world: Markets must be open." -George W. Bush, at the swearing-in ceremony for Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman, March 2, 2001

"My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt." -George W. Bush, in his budget address to Congress, Feb. 27, 2001

"I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese - that meant that they weren't very effective." -George W. Bush, during a White House press conference, Feb. 22, 2001

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' -George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001

"It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national - really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it."-George W. Bush, Feb. 8, 2001

"We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House - make no mistake about it." -George W. Bush, Feb. 7, 2001

"There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it." -George W. Bush, speaking to Catholic leaders at the White House, Jan. 31, 2001

"I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state." -George W. Bush, speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001

"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001

"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to - I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that." -George W. Bush, in a pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report

"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

"If he's - the inference is that somehow he thinks slavery is a - is a noble institution I would - I would strongly reject that assumption - that John Ashcroft is a open-minded, inclusive person."-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

"She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal - Antonio." -George W. Bush, on Laura Bush inviting Justice Antonin Scalia to dinner at the White House, Jan. 2001

"I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be - a more literate country and a hopefuller country." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

WALKEN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

I just realized that Christopher Walken is going to run for president!!

Actor Christopher Walken to run as Candidate in 2008 Presidential Race

For Immediate Release
New York - Early today, actor Christopher Walken, 62, held a private conference at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York in which he announced his intentions to run for the Presidency of the United States in the 2008 Election.

Said the Queens native, “I have always been a follower of politics. My father was friends with the mayor of Schodack (NY) back in the 1940’s. We would walk the streets of Schodack and the people, they would wave to him. The children adored him. That is what I love to be, a man of respect and love.”

From a statement by Walken's agent, Toni Howard: “Mr. Walken has
greatly admired the celebrities who have entered politics and he wants to be able to give a good name and reputation to the acting community as well as the political community. As for going national with this news we have not made any plans for the immediate future."

Because Mr. Walken is currently contracted for more than one film production, the Walken campaign manager Michael Hansee
admitted that there would be relatively minimal publicity at this early stage.

"[Mr. Walken] has a full plate right now, acting in a number of different films, and can't start any personal campaign work until these obligations are fulfilled," he commented. "We're looking to spread the word and build a little support base with our website, in preparation for a full campaign in early 2007."

The campaign website is patriotic-themed, with the tag-line "To Get
America Back on Track." Hansee stated that the campaign is hoping to drum up early support through their online presence, much like Howard Dean did in the 2004 race.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I love his acting, and we could use some fresh blood in our politics. His image in the media could be a plus for the USA in one respect, but then again maybe not. I agree with most of his professed feelings as stated on the campaign website but have no idea if this is the real Christopher or just some speech writer. Maybe I'll vote for him but I've gotta be convinced first.
What do YOU think???

ATTACK OF THE TREE

Last night I went to bed early and left my son and several of his buddies drinking out on the deck. I was just getting into some good REMs when the whole house shook and an awful racket jerked me straight up in bed. I thought a car had ran off the road and slammed into the house or that something had exploded! Scared the hell out of me, let me tell you.

I ran outside to find chaos! The boys were crawling around and getting up from various places in the yard where they had landed. They said they heard a sound like a shotgun blast and dove out of the way when the saw what was happening. Half of a giant oak tree had broken and smashed down onto the deck where they were sitting. There was lumber and tree debris everywhere, it looked like a tornado had hit! Thank God one of guys didn’t get killed.

The porch swing and its frame were in multiple pieces, there’s no way either one of them can be savaged. The tree broke in two when it hit the swing frame. Part of it speared through several floorboards of the deck while the rest of it smooshed (that’s right, smooshed, it’s a favorite word of the grandson) a cooler, a table, and a metal lawn chair.

Now I’ve got a hole in my deck with jagged boards sticking up in the air, two uprights sporting pointy nails but no crossbar and what used to be a very nice porch swing and several items of what used to be lawn furniture but now resembles some kind of twisted modern art. The tree is still on top of this mess because it’s so heavy that the guys couldn’t move it.

Chane is black and blue and has a nice collection of scrapes and skinned places all down his back. The other two guys are OK, just shook up. I’m so lucky that no one got seriously injured. Property can be replaced, but people can’t. It would have been so easy for one of them to have gotten killed.

I’m calling the tree people the first chance I get. That sucker is history; I’m having it cut down to the ground!! Maybe it’ll be an example to the other trees before they decide to attack too. I sure hope so, I'm in the middle of 2 acres of trees and they've got me outnumbered!!!

COMMENT SPAM

It appears that my Blogger Comments have been spammed. Even when I disabled the anonymous feature they're still getting in. Bare with me while I try to run the varmits off!

SHADOWS AND LIGHT

On a lark Karen and I went to the Shadows and Light Shoppe tonight. It doesn't deal with witchcraft or Wicca but focuses on folk magick indigenous to New Orleans which has been called Hoodoo or Conjure, and has evolved into what is known as New Orleans Voodoo. It focuses on personal power and the living spiritual power contained within herbs, oils, crystal, roots, and metals when combined to bring about the desired effect.

I got several crystals, some Follow Me oil (instills a strong sense of desire for you on any man, oh yeah Baby!), and a Celtic necklace which is supposed to enhance your sexuality. Do you think I'll have the construction workers at the plant following me around?? Can't hurt and who knows, this stuff might work even if it's only the power of suggestion! We'll find out in a while, I'll let you know.

The woman running the shop also does massage and readings. I might have to go back and get a reading. Not that I believe in all this, but I do have an open mind. I enjoy researching different theologies and beliefs. I believe in the power of personal belief. What you believe in works, not some outside power.

Time for beddy-bye. 3:30 comes early. Nite y'all.

A LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG

I don't usually do movie reviews, but the other day I watched "A Love Song For Bobby Long" starring John Travolta, Scarlett Johansson, Gabriel Macht, Deborah Kara Unger, Dane Rhodes and just had to brag on it a little. The movie critics panned this piece of Southern fiction, but what do they know. I loved this movie! And it seems like I'm not the only one, here's a review at BlogCritics who seem to agree with me.

This movie is not a thriller, not action packed, no blood or gore or nudity or sex. But if you're a fan of the dramatic, southern literature of Tennessee Williams or William Faulkner you'll love "A Love Song for Bobby Long" too. "Bobby Long" transpires in the world where "A Streetcar named Desire" and "To Kill a Mockingbird" take place; that of a slower, steamier, and definitively austere culture that clashes with the ideas of growth and progress in a most gentile way. In other words, the South where I was born and raised.

The best thing about this movie is the voice of the author narrating the story. Oh how I wish I could write prose like that. There's almost a musical rhythm to it. The script flows like the lazy waters of a creek and the delta blues soundtrack (go here to listen to clips) is something I'd love to have playing in the background on a lazy day spent lounging around with someone special. It includes :

1. Someday - Los Lobos
2. Lorraine's Song (My Heart Was a Lonely Hunter) - Theresa Andersson
3. Bone - Thalia Zedek
4. Bobby - Nathan Larson
5. Different Stars
6. Lonesome Blues - Lonnie Pitchford
7. Early Every Morning
8. I Really Don't Want to Know - John Travolta
9. Barbara Allen - John Travolta
10. This Isn't It - Giant Drag
11. Daughter Like Mother - Nathan Larson
12. Rising Son - Big Bill Morganfield
13. Washboard Lisa - Grayson Capps
14. Blonde on Blonde - Nada Surf
15. Praying Ground Blues
16. Love Song for Bobby Long - Grayson Capps

Do yourself a favor and watch this movie when you're in the mood for some down-home entertaiment. Let me know what you think.

PAINTING MEMORIES

We have all, on occasion, had artistic dreams. You know the ones, where you write poetry and verse that bring tears to people’s eyes, pen a best selling novel, compose and/or perform music that thrill the listener’s heart or maybe paint canvasses that depict nature and portraits so lifelike that they take viewer’s breath away.

For me that’s as far as it ever got. I don’t have an artistic bone in my body. I’ve never been what you would call graceful or had any kind of talent. Heck, I can’t even dance without stepping on my partner’s toes. For instance, I’m not tone deaf so when I sing I can actually hear how bad and out of tune I am. Of course that doesn’t stop me from singing up a storm and dancing around the house (although I do have enough consideration for others to not do so with company).

But the other day for the first time I felt like Picasso, Van Gough and Monet all rolled into one. Let me tell you, nothing beats the joy of sitting in the floor painting your heart out with a 5 year old (that’s the only age that I can outdo in the artistic department!).

We had an old plastic tablecloth spread out in the living room floor, an entire ream of paper, a brand new 24-color set of water paints, a wide assortment of brushes and an entire afternoon in which to get creative.

In an hour there were pictures of every description (and a few that defied description!) scattered all over the place. Every couple of minutes I heard Drennon say “Nana, LOOK What I did” as he held up his latest abstract creation for my approval. The little feller looked like an Indian gone on the warpath with multicolor dots and dabs and stripes and splashes all over him. Good thing his Nana was smart enough to strip him down to his skivvies (Batman Boxers) before we started.

The ego trip was when Drennon would look at one of my painting and say “Show me how, mine’s not as good as yours”! I’ve never had anyone say my painting was good except when it came to painting the walls of the house (which is not nearly as much fun). He actually carried one of MY pictures home with him!!

So if you need an ego boost, just go and play with a kid! It’ll be good for both of you and the memories will last a lifetime. After all, when we’re gone all that’ll be left of us is the memories that our friends and loved ones carry in their hearts. Have you played today??

TO KILL AN AMERICAN

The message below - "To Kill an American" - has been circulating around the Internet. I don't know if the report it refers to is true but I don't think it matters because it makes points that are worth considering. This message is also posted here at Spirit of America.

To Kill an American
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is... so they would know when they found one. (Good on ya,mate!!!!)

An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish,Polish, Russian or Greek.

An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese,Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani,or Afghan.

An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache,Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The
only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When the Soviet army over ran Afghanistan 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country! As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.

Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least! The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001, earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must.
Hitler did.
So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every blood thirsty tyrant in the history of the world.

But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Author unknown-Pass this around the World

Technorati: Internet, America, Americans, Spirit of America, News, War

HE SAID, SHE SAID FUNNIES FOR THE SEXES

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she."

(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk
carton! :-)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."


The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

BEAST

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.

"Be careful," he said to his wife.
"You will bring out the beast in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back.
"Who is afraid of a mouse?"

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"
...........................................................
I HOPE NO ONE WAS OFFENDED BUT I JUST HAD TO PASS THESE ALONG.
Live well, Love much, Laugh often

SEEING RED

Well, the redheads have it. A higher tolerance for pain that is! It seems that the hue of your hairdo defines the amount of pain you can withstand!! I quote:

Scientists from the University of Edinburgh are examining a gene mutation that, along with causing red hair, also gives women with the coloration a higher pain threshold than others. The mutation does not seem to have the same effect for male redheads. It is hoped the study will lead to new anesthetics and pain-killing drugs.

The painkilling effect has been found to be three times greater for redheaded women than for blondes, brunettes, or men. Differences in the way male and female brains process pain may explain the gender inconsistency. Researchers may now be able to locate new biochemical pathways that can be used to develop better pain medication.

.
I wonder if having reddish brown hair counts? I hope so, since that's what I've got under the highlights. I'd place money that dyeing your tresses won't help your arthritis any, damn it.

My Dad was redheaded, but they say that men are immune for some reason. I've got a redheaded sister, but she whines so much about everything that it's hard to tell if being redheaded helps in any way other than giving her a reason for having a temper.

What do y'all think? Any redheads out there that want to testify? Ain't science wonderful, we learn all kinds of off-the-wall things. Reckon where they got funding for this research? How the heck did they come up with the idea anyway?

My heads spinning with all this wondering and I'm getting jealous of my least favorite sister so I think I'll go back to pretending to work before any of the guys wonder if I'm OK. Later, Gater.

ETHICS ON EBAY & DUMB BLONDES

I recieved this email from James at the Mad Pigeon :

Friends, Countrymen,

In a fit of madness I decided to sell my ethics on eBay. In a jar, that is.

With that, I'm hoping to generate some buzz and controversy and am hoping you might consider mentioning it on your own blogs--providing, of course, you don't find the idea, well, stupid.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5604462271
In return I'll thank supporters (linkbacks included) on my own Site!

Much Obliged,

The Mad Pigeon
Capt James D. Fielder, USAF
Spc-Sgt, USA
1994-1999

People, you have gotta go to eBay and check this out. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants! This is one of the best giggles I've had in ages. James, I salute you and your ethics.

Now for a funny from my buddy, Hippy.

Finally, A Male Blonde Joke

A BLOND GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING.

"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.

"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.

HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS:

"DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE. HE RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.

"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

That's all folks. Y'all be sure to go to eBay and at least give Jame's ethic's a hit. Leave a comment would be even better, and you can actually place a bid if you want, it's up to $.99 so far.

Here's another one from Hippy. He makes it his business to keep me smiling!


Twenty dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highlyaroused state, her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford newclothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him

.

MUST SEE TV

Tonight the History Channel is showing their special "Ape to Man-The Evolution of Evolution" at 9/8C. I've been waiting to see this show ever since I first saw it advertised.

Lately evolution has been back in the news with Bush taking the side of intelligent design (the Religious Right carries a lot of votes you know). It seems that the separation of state and religion that is touted in the US Constitution does not extend to the school system. Although this battle was fought in the Scopes "Monkey" Trial and make famous in the movie "Inherit The Wind" it appears we're going to have a rematch between those opposing views.

No matter if you believe in evolution, "intelligent design" , or if you disagree with both, I think the show will be both informative and thought provoking. Only the most closed minded of fools refuse to look at the opposition weapons in this war of theories and beliefs. Lets hope that words are the only thing thrown around. People have been known to get killed (abortion clinic bombings, shooting of doctors) for for standing up to the fanatics of religion.

USELESS TIMEWASTERS

I found this at 3 Times A Charm. If I'm 54% bitch, then what's the other 46%? I know it's not angel!!

I am 54% Asshole/Bitch.

I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em.

Take the Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

Damn, either I fooled this test, or I'm smarter that I thought!!

I am 5% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

HOW DO YOU CAN A CAN?

How do you throw away a garbage can? This pitiful looking excuse for a 30 gallon container is made of plastic and has been beaten and banged until it's as limp as the proverbial dish rag. The can is broken and cracked so bad that you can actually see through the sides. The can won't even sit upright because when you turn loose of it's handle the poor thing just sighs and collapses onto the ground like a Southern Belle fainting in Gone With The Wind.

But the garbage collectors (sorry guys, Sanitation Engineers, must be PC) keep putting the can back on the curb. Can't they see the can is beyond use and needs to join it's former contents at the landfill? I tried putting a note on the can, but they took the note and left the ruined garbage can!!

Do I take the can for a ride and drop it on the side of the road the way people keep dropping dogs around my house? (BTW-there's been 3 new dogs show up in the last 3 weeks!) Is there a home for unwanted garbage cans? Maybe I could find a garbage bag big enough to enclose the can, because the sanitation Engineers will pick up anything that's in a bag.

Damn the burn ban, I'm fixing to cremate the can on my pile of fallen tree limbs!!

MARILYN ON TAPE

I've been reading the news stories about the newly released "secret" Marilyn Monroe therapy tapes and I think I've found the actual transcript. In the news you only get bits and pieces but in this article it seems that you get the real deal where Marilyn talks about lots of X-rated things such as .........

having sex with Joan Crawford,
her take on the joys and benefits of enemas
how her therapist taught her to have an orgasm and
loads of details about the men in her life.

I truly don't believe that she killed herself, I never have. This transcript shows evidence that she was anything but depressed, and I am convinced more than ever that she was murdered. I'll leave it up to you to decide by who, but conspiracy theories have circulated ever since her death.

One thing about the way that Marilyn died, she'll always be an icon of her time and our culture. Everyone, no matter who they are, has heard of Marilyn Monroe while her image is plastered all over the world and forever in our minds. If all she cared about was fame, she got her wish. But I believe she was cheated out of life by men who used and discarded her like yesterday's newspaper. Marilyn, this one if for you and all the other females who have been cheated/hurt by the men in their lives.



Technorati: Marilyn Monroe,Monroe Tapes

I'M STARVING

5:45 AM Breakfast

1/4 cup oatmeal-1 carb serving
1/4 cup blueberries-1 carb serving
1 cup milk-1 carb serving

7:00 AM
I'm starving to death! I can't have anything until 9:45 and then I only get 1/2 a banana! This is sooo hard. I want bacon and eggs and biscuits. Or pancakes. Bolonga and biscuit. A breakfast burrito. Something, anything. Now I know how those starving children my Mom used to tell me about felt.

OK, rant over. I just needed to vent. I'm going back to work now. Does anyone know how many carbs are in fingernails, I seem to gnawing mine down to the quick.

NORTH VS SOUTH

My sister Donna sent me this and asked me to post it on this blog. She has her own blog Life Droppings (as in shit happens), hasn't posted in a while. Y'all go and visit her, read some of her stories from before her depression hit again. Leave a comment and let her know she's not alone. Here's her e-mail:

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this here exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A) '65 Ford Fairlane
B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.



Technorati: humor,Southern IQ Test

READING, WRITING, AND ARITHMETIC

My son and I went shopping today for the grandson’s school supplies. Walmart has a list of "necessities" for each grade at the front of the store. Who would have thunk that a kindergartener would need so much!

4 boxes of crayons, 2 bottles of liquid soap, boxes of tissues, 6 glue sticks, the list goes on and on. All must be a certain name brand, no exceptions. Are the teachers getting kickbacks from Crayola? What happened to paying school fees and the supplies being there waiting? What about the people who don't have that kind of money to spend (I spent over $70)? This doesn't count the clothes and shoes that a kid needs to go out in public. Will they send a child home if he has dollar store crayons?

The place was a madhouse!! The last time I saw that kind of mob mentality was 3 days before Christmas. People were snatching and grabbing like someone would take everything away from them. Items tossed in the floor were being mashed underfoot and hanging up in the wheels of the shopping cart. Poor parents wandered around with lists for 3 and 4 kids, a dazed look in their eyes, trying to keep all the "Who gets what" straight. Kids ran wild in the aisles because Mom or Dad was too busy trying to find the proper name brand of washable marker to make them behave. Single fathers were standing around looking lost, staring at a piece of paper and then at the shelves like they were hoping the proper item will magically jump up and into their cart. Actually, it was a great place to scope out available men and get on their good side by being helpful. But who had the time? I had to find my quota of school booty and get checked out myself.

On the way home, my son made what was, for him, a profound statement. "By the time Drennon (the grandson) has kids in school they’ll want you to send a pint of blood and a spare kidney as school supplies". How true!

School starts in another week, but we're armed and ready. There's a big garbage bag full of stuff waiting to be taken and entrusted to the teacher. It'll take a mule to drag the heavy thing into the school house. How do I know that Drennon will get his stuff and not someone else’s? Why does he need his own tissues and soap? Will I get a letter demanding blood and spare body parts?

Technorati: school

DIABETIC CLASS

I have now officially been to diabetic class. There were five of us (well six actually, five women and one man with his wife). We had four teachers, one for living with diabetes, one to show us how to use the blood sugar meter, one for exercise, and the nutritionist. I found out that Diabetes is a major cause of morbidity and the fourth leading cause of death in the US. In 1992, diabetics represented 4.5 percent of the US population (11 million people), and the associated healthcare cost ($105 billion) represented one out of every seven healthcare dollars spent. And Alabama has the highest rate of diabetes in the U.S.

The good news is I can eat anything I want. The bad news is that a 2" square of unfrosted cake or cornbread is a serving and it takes place of something else. A serving is anything that contains 15 grams of carbohydrates. My diet is like this:

BREAKFAST
3 carbohydrate servings
1 egg or 1 slice of cheese or 1 ounce
of low fat meat

SNACK
1 carbohydrate serving

LUNCH
3 carbohydrate servings
4 ounces low fat meat

SNACK
1 carbohydrate
serving

DINNER
3 carbohydrate servings
4 ounces low fat meat

I get 3 servings (which ain't much, 1 tablespoon) of fat (olive oil, butter, cheese, nuts, salad dressing, avocado, etc) a day but that includes any fats in anything that I may eat like baked goods, deserts, casseroles, etc. But I do get all I want of most non-starchy vegetables. That explains the dream about green blood!!

A serving of carbohydrates is tiny. A small serving of French fries is 4 carb servings and 4 fats! ¼ bagel, ¼ baked potatoe, ½ of a banana, 1 kiwi, 1 cup cantaloupe, 8 ounces skim milk, 1/3 cup rice are all 1 carb serving. So even though I get variety, I get very little of whatever I eat. If I indulge in something good I don't get anything else. So a meal would be like this:

Small baked chicken breast
1 slice of bread
1/3 cup pasta
1/3 cup
sugar free pasta sauce
Steamed Vegetables

I'm also supposed to get off of caffeine and no diet drinks allowed! Some chemical in diet drinks (I can't remember the name) is bad for diabetics. Something about making the cells of your body swell and affecting the way you use glucose. The 64 ounces of water a day we've all heard we need in even higher in diabetics. We're supposed to have lower kidney function that other people and need to flush out the bad things.

I'm supposed to get at least 30 minutes a day of exercise, but then we all are. Working out is supposed to improve the way your body metabolizes glucose. One of the instructors claimed she got off of insulin just by working out.

Having diabetes gives you the same risk of having a heart attack as smoking a pack a day! Diabetes can be extremely dangerous, resulting in loss of vision, damage to the nerves, blood vessels, kidney function and decreased healing function. Damage to the blood vessels supplying the nerves and the nerves itself can cause gradual loss of sensation primarily in hands and feet which may extend up the limbs. Bacteria thrives on glucose rich blood and urine, people with uncontrolled diabetes are more prone to urinary tract infection. It can cause chemical imbalance in the blood causing nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, confusion etc.awfulunds aweful, doesn't it!! I don't think I can stop all my bad behavior at once. I tried to do without caffeine today and got a blinding headache. One Diet Dew cured that, so I think I'll work on the food intake first and take everything else one item at a time. This ain't gonna be easy, but I'm stubborn. And I've got lots of friends and family to keep me in line. Guess I'll get bitched at a lot!

Technorati: Diabetes,Living With Diabetes, Diabetic School

MONDAY FUNNY

Here's a joke to lighten up your Monday!

ROSE BUDS & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very sheer blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your Rosebuds then I can display my hanging baskets".
Technorati: Humor,Boobs,Jokes

I'M A SCORPIO

Your Birthdate: November 16

Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone. You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent. You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate. You are introspective and a little stubborn. Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family. This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations. The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you. Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach. You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions. Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

You Know You're From Alabama When...

You have a party or a barbeque whenever Alabama plays Auburn in football. You go to Gulf Shores every summer. You call the Atlanta Braves baseball team "us" like they're actually from Alabama. You would much rather visit Florida than California. You don't "take", you "carry" or "tote"... as in "You want me to carry you down to the 7-11?" A soft drink isn't soda, cola, or pop, it's Coke. You call it a "buggy" and not a shopping cart. You've said "fixin' to," "might could," or "usetacould" during the last week. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date. You know the meaning of the phrase "Fobbed again." You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Opelika, Bayou La Batre, and Oneonta. The Talladega 500 is the biggest sporting event of any sort during the entire year. You know exactly what chitlins and mountain oysters are, and you know someone who eats them anyway. You think that people who complain about the humidity in other states are sissies. You aren't surprised to find rental movies, groceries, ammunition and bait all in the same store. You've missed a wedding or a funeral to go to a football game. Asian food is always "CHINESE" regardless of the fact that it may actually be Korean or Japanese or Thai You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Alabama.

Get Your Own "You Know You're From" Meme Here



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