PROWLING THE PARK

In line with my new found healthy ambitions, I've taken to haunting the trails at Moulton's H. A. Alexander Park. While by no means huge, the park is nice. It has several baseball diamonds, tennis courts, a rec center complete with handball courts (as accident prone as I am, I don't dare try handball) and a mile and a half long figure 8 walking track that winds around the sports areas & through a large stand of woods, complete with an arched footbridge over a bubbling stream filled with fish. When you walk squirrels bark at you and the birds are everywhere, chirping and tweeting and dropping guano bombs on unsuspecting pedestrians. I'll try to remember to take my camera one day and share some of the local sights.


It's also a good place to people watch. There's one woman who RUNS while pushing a baby carriage. This gal gets up enough speed to cause the infant's hair to blow straight back, resulting in a kid with perpetually wind-blown hair (it'll probably grow up to be a super model or something. The kid, not the hair. Well, maybe both as they seem to be attached).

While I admire anyone who has the physical ability to run at all, much less does it while pushing something else, I get tired of her steadily lapping my slowly plodding fat ass. I'm fighting an inner demon who keeps whispering in my ear: "Trip her! Just stick out your foot and watch her fall. It'll be funny, you'll laugh, and the kid's too young to tell on you". Trouble is, I know I can't outrun the hussy and unless she breaks a leg, in the immortal words of Ricky Ricardo, I'd "Have some 'splaining to do".

I've also noticed loads of Senior Citizens walking every day. The Ladies dress in matching outfits and walk in gangs of at least 4, while the Gentlemen wear just about anything from sweats to overalls and usually walk alone. Another difference, the women walk fast! The Grannies have perfectly coiffed hair, step out with their heads high, their chests thrust out (I'm guessing to disguise the effects of age and gravity), their arms swinging, and talking a mile a minute while their heads constantly swivel. These women don't miss a thing. Nothing escapes their gaze or gossip. The men, on the other hand, usually shuffle along slowly, their shoulders hunched and their eyes on the ground in front of them.


In the wild, females usually hang out in packs or herds or whatever while the unattached males are solitary. Are people the same way?

Is the park the new place to pick up a date if one is a Sexy Senior Citizen? Are the women hunting in packs? Do the men keep their heads down and eyes on the ground in fear?

Is there a new mating ritual that I need to know about? Hell, I'm 50 NOW! I might be in the market to meet some old codger one day soon if Sweet Thang don't work out. Someone somewhere needs to tell me these things!

And explain to me why those last few paragraphs sounds like something out of Sex and The City?

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously...

Nuggets of wisdom from a twisted point of view:

1. Save the Whales.... Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like... Night.
3. On the other hand... You have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright ..... Until you hear them speak.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous... Tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in Psycho-Kinesis? Raise my hand.
23. Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
34. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

BATTLING FATHER TIME & HUMAN NATURE

OK, I'll confess. I'm on a health kick and in a battle with Father Time. I'm 50 now, and neither side of my family is long lived. Hell, my maternal Grandfather died of a massive heart attack at the ripe old age of 33. Mom was in her late 60's and Dad was mid-70's when they passed away, so I gotta get with the program if I want to hang around long enough to be a feisty little old lady. I already have an under-active thyroid, pre-diabetic syndrome, and high blood pressure, so the cards are stacked against me from the start.

I haven't smoked in several weeks. Well, I did cheat a time or two but damn it, I'm trying. Smoking is one of the hardest things to give up that I know of. Wish me luck, I stopped once for 6 months but then family shit hit the fan and down I went. Let's hope I have more will power this time. I know I walked the floor last night, peeking into cabinets and the 'fridge, when I really wanted to smoke, not eat.

I visited Gloria's Good Health today and loaded up. I've got Pau d'Arco tea, Rooibos Tea (Red Bush Tea), Evening Primrose Oil (Oenothera biennis L.) and various vitamins. I don't know about the Pau d'Arco and Red Bush teas, but I took Evening Primrose before and my skin and hair was the healthiest they had ever been. I ran out of pills and never bought anymore. I know, I procrastinate too much. I'm trying to do better.

I've also gotta shed a few pounds. Actually more than a few, but I'll settle for a few now and work my way up down in time. Which means I need to get off my more-than-ample hindquarters and put a few miles on the old tennis shoes. Thank God the days are getting longer, because I didn't have time to do anything much all winter.

This IS NOT going to become a weight loss blog, that'd be too boring. I just wanted to put it out there so I won't have any reason to backslide. If everyone knows, I'd feel much more guilty. I know that doesn't make any sense but it's different if someone besides me knows that I messed up.

So now I've 'fessed up and you all know that I'm trying to do better. Place your bets now and we'll see how I do. Karen is going to be my coach, cheerleader and tormenter. I believe that she's looking forward to chewing me out when if I backslide.

CAR WASH

Don't go to the new car wash on University!!!!!!!!

I had to have them re-wash my car 3 times......they kept

missing spots.......

Such incompetence.......

SUNDAY SUMPIN'S

*Nongirlfriend is writing the "Single and Childless" column of the new webzine "Estella's Revenge". Y'all keep watch and cheer her and all the other writers on (the columns include one by a witch and another by a guy). Update your blogrolls now, next month is the first time we get more than just introductions.

*I'm watching a Ron White aka "Tater Salad" special on TV. The title of the show is as true a statement as I've ever heard:
"THERE AIN'T NO CURE FOR STUPID"

*All I've done all weekend is cook, eat, and lay around with Sweet Thang. Everyone needs a little down-time and TLC.

*Speaking of stupid: Be careful who you're seen in public with. A local woman caught her two-timing feller out with another woman at a service station just down the road from my house. She proceeded to T-bone the cheating hussy against a dumpster with her car, then get out and punch and kick the shit out of the victim. The hussy is in ICU with broken bones and internal bleeding and might not live, while the offended girlfriend is in jail waiting to see if she gets charged with assault or murder. Who said small towns don't have local entertainment? Personally, I don't think any man is worth it. But if I had to run over anyone, it woulda been him! Reckon who he's the most concerned about, his jailed girlfriend or his critically injured mistress?

How Do These People Survive?

How many of these people do you know?

ONE... Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO... I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE... A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR... I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE... Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX... I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


SEVEN... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"


EIGHT... Police in Radnor, PA interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


NINE... A mother called 911 very worried. She asked the dispatcher if she needed to take her kid to the emergency room because the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher told her to give the kid some Benadryl and that he should be fine The mother then said, "I just gave him some ant killer...." Dispatcher: "Rush him to the Emergency Room!"


Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

PERILI-DICK-SION

You guys sure get in a lot of trouble with those little things!

Man severs own penis, throws it at officers
Before the cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them -- his penis

Pencil in penis backfires
A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after sticking a pencil inside his penis to keep it stiff during sex.


Snapping turtle bit boy's penis
Police divers are hunting a snapping turtle that bit a 15-year-old boy on the penis in an alpine lake.

Angry wife cuts off her husband’s private parts
.........he told inquisitive police that his wife Rungnapa Pong-Aree, 32, had sliced off his penis in a fit of rage and ran off.

Testicles gone in 'wrong op'
Pretoria - "We performed the wrong operation on you, we didn't look at your folder," a doctor is alleged to have told an aged man whose testicles had been removed instead of his prostate gland.

Rugby fan cut off his own testicles
A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles after his team beat England, police confirmed today.

SPOTTED DICK OR HUNTER'S BUNS, ANYONE?

One of my Blogroll favorites is the food blog, Accidental Hedonist. Kate Hopkins not only gives great recipies, she tickles the funny bone as well. This entry had me giggling like a little girl. I know everyone makes fun of the way Southerners talk, but really folks, a dessert called "Spotted Dick"?

FROM ACCIDENTAL HEDONIST:
"The following list comes from the wonderfully silly book Gastronaut, by Stefan Gates. In this book, he poses the theory that British Food is looked down upon, not because the food is bad, but rather because of the rather unfortunate names.
Consider the following (and points will be given to those who can describe each dish and/or food product).
Aberdeen Nips
Beef Cecils
Black Pudding
Bubble and Squeak
Clapshot
Cullen Skink
Dean's Cream
Fitless Cock
Flummery
Girdle Sponges
Hob Nobs
Huffkins
Hunter's Buns
Love in Disguise
Inky Pinky
Knickerbocker Glory
Marmite
Priddy Oggies
Scouse
Singing Hinnies
Slot
Spotted Dick
Toad-in-the-hole
Wet Nelly
Wow-Wow Sauce
Let it be known that I am a fan of some British foods (although, for the life of me I don't understand the desire for Heinz peas or Baked beans). I've eaten several of the above items, and have enjoyed all of them.
But the names? When comparing two dishes, one named Mousse au chocolat and one named Spotted Dick, which sounds more appetizing? Are there any theories as to why British foods are named the way they are?"
Technorati Tags: Foods, British Foods, Food Names

OOOs & AHs

*I got this comment on this post:
Anonymous said...
I googled to find this as I heard it read on an AM station in CO and was curious what the whole thing was about :)Very funny!
3/22/2006 1:31 PM
I always knew I'd be infamous!

*Blogger is being a bitch. It wouldn't let me log in yesterday, but kept telling me to republish and to check Blogger Status. How the hell can I do that if I can't log in?? I had some great stuff to say, too, but I've forgotten it all now. (Oldtimes Disease, I guess) I feel like some guy tweaked my nipples and then said "Not Now". Damn tease!

*Heard this on the way to work this morning. I don't like rap, but I love this part of the lyrics
LYRICS: LOSE CONTROL
I've got a cute face
Chubby waist
Thick legs in shape
Rump shakin both wayz
Make u do a double take
(MISSY ELLIOTT (f/ Ciara, Fatman Scoop)

*Why is it when I'm trying to watch the one show on TV that I love the most ("BONES" on Fox) the telephone rings, people pound on the door, and other household members won't shut the hell up? I don't ask much people, and I pay the cable bill. One hour a week ain't too much to ask, is it?

*If I can get out of here this evening without getting hijacked, I'll have 7 whole days off.

TAGGED - 6 THINGS

Junebug (no, another Junebug, spelled with 1 g and from the great state of Texas) 'tagged' me, so now I gotta write down six (6) things/facts about myself that most people don't know and then choose six (6) people to 'tag'. I've already written so much about myself that this won't be easy.

1. I once worked for Uncle Sam. Yep, I had a security clearance and everything. I'd tell you what I did, but then I'd have to kill you. Just goes to show you that you never know who's watching you......

2. When I was young I wanted to be an paleo anthropologist, but then I found out that I had to go to school forever and would never make much money. So much for that, I'm a greedy bitch.

3. I was reading 1st grade books at the age of 4. That was the start of my life long love of reading and the reason that there are books piled on every flat surface in my house.

4. I took gymnastics in school many years and several pounds ago and I was actually pretty good at it. Wish I was still that limber. And that skinny.

5. I have a fascination with fire. Nothings more fun than a bonfire and I can't keep myself from poking and prodding and stirring one up. Good thing, because with all the trees around my place I have a never ending supply of leaves and fallen limbs.

6. I love to cook, it's one of things that relaxes me. Slicing and dicing and making up my own recipes is therapeutic. I hardly ever measure anything. I actually zone out in front of the Food Network until my son complains that he wants to watch a real show.

So now you know a little more about me. I'm not tagging anyone else, Y'all can play if you want.

CLEAVAGE ENTERS GOVERNOR'S RACE

Well folks, it looks like the people of Alabama has something new to talk about. We've got a woman running for governor and she ain't no prim and proper Southern Belle!


Loretta Nall's blog is titled "U.S. Marijuana Party" and I do believe she's the first candidate for governor who has publicly admitted that she doesn't wear panties and to top that off, she admits to smoking pot! Blue Gal goes into detail about the uproar Ms. Nall's picture showing cleavage has caused in Alabama. Columnist Bob Ingram states:

"In 55 years of political writing, that was a first for me-a picture in my column of a woman displaying cleavage. I can only hope that my mother...and I know for a fact where she ended in the after life...didn't see that column. She wouldn't have approved of that picture."

Nall answered here, but in part said:

"Now that you and the rest of Alabama have been introduced to the twins perhaps you would like to meet the rest of me. I'll don my burka so y'all won't be offended and then perhaps we can discuss the other planks in my platform since
you only covered one."

Hey, I'll vote for this woman! With a platform that includes drug policy and prison reform, repealing gun control laws, tax credits for private & home school families, non-compliance with the Patriot and REAL ID Acts, the Iraq War and Alabama sovereignty over the state militia, states rights, separation of state and church, fair taxes, gambling, ballot access reform, ballot initiative and referendum and bio-diesel what's not to vote for! And she's a damn sight prettier than any other governor we've ever had.

And what's wrong with a little cleavage? Of course, this is Alabama. To give you an idea what Ms. Nall is up against, her brother is in prison for alcohol related offenses and she was not allowed to visit him because in spite of wearing pants, she was not wearing panties underneath. Going commando is apparently enough in Alabama to get you kicked outta prison.

Go here for some great links and pictures including the Laretta Nall Show on Pot TV. Click on the picture to enlarge.

I'M A WHAT?

Which mythical creature resides in your soul? (11 Results + Pictures)

GRYPHON

You are the gryphon! A gryphon is a large creature that is half lion and half eage with immense feathery wings. A gryphon is very fierce and loyal; however, a gryphon also symbolizes independence and freedom. The gryphon is actually multi-facted. The lion half represents ultimate courage, honor, and loyalty. The eagle half stands for independence, freedom, and justice.
Take this quiz!

SISTERS

After a long while my sister Donna is posting again. She's been battling depression and some family issues for a while now, and I'm glad to see her back. She's almost housebound with bad health, bad knees and several other things. Before the depression hit a new low, Donna was writing some wonderful posts about our childhood and family.

She's always saying that she doesn't get many comments, so I want everyone who swings by here to go and say HI even if you don't leave a comment here. I wouldn't complain if you sent others to see Donna. The girl needs a little ego boosting, some TLC , and a good swift kick in the pants to get her writing again. It's a waste of talent, she's a much better writer than me.

So help a Big Sister out and go yell at Donna for me.

BOOGER IN BLOGGER

As you can see, Blogger is trying to come back, but is still having problems. Maybe soon this blog will stay up but for now either it's a blank page (in which case you wouldn't be reading this) or just parts of posts appear and my sidebar is still out there in Cyber Space. Blogger promises that they're on the problem. We'll see, so far it's been 2 whole days.

There is a Blogger Group on Google that has given me more information than anything else. It also has tips on customizing your template from people who have blogs, not just techs sitting somehere at work, and tons of other stuff. But I just wanta be able to see my blog!

Blogger Status page states:

The filer that we have been having trouble with in the last few days failed again. Those blogs that are stored on the bad filer are temporarily not available for publishing and viewing. We are working on replacing the filer and restoring access to the blogs affected.

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY

Top of The Morning to ya'. May the luck of the Irish be with you.


A horny young leprechaun lad
Craved sex and he wanted some bad
Saw Erin go bra-less
He cried "Oh ga-ga, Yes!
But still came up short, which is sad

MAXINE

Nothings going on but work and sleep. I've got nada, not one single witty antidote to share. But because I adore all of you so much I can't bear to leave you empty handed, I'll let you ponder on the wisdom of Maxine, she's my heroine!

HUNKA HUNKA BURNING LOVE

I'm a hard working woman. I put in tons of overtime at the factory.I don't have time to keep up with all the dusting, cooking, dish washing, laundry etc. etc. that need doing around my little Ponderosa.

So I want, nay, I DESERVE one of these. Can anyone please tell me where I can find one of these Hunk Around The House? Are they only in Jolly Old England or is there an American version?

Sniff! Even the damn calender is sold out!

STUPID CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAME

I've been reading over at The Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame and laughing my, er, derriere, off. Check it out, here's a small sample.

A couple was out camping in their motor home. They came back after a walk & things didn't look quite right around their motor home. So they took a look around. They found a man in the bushes that had just vomited everywhere. What happened was the guy had tried to siphon gas from the motor home, but
instead got the holding tank.

An elderly woman spent a leisurely shopping at the mall. Upon return to her vehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. Frightened, the woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not get out of the car, she would shoot. The four men ran off quickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key, however, would not fit. The woman realized that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She drove to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a hijacking by a mean old lady; no charges were filed.

There's tons more on the site. I swear,I haven't laughed this much in a long time. And they say crime doesn't pay. Heck, it got them on the web!

HOW STRESSED ARE YOU?

Take some to time to look at each picture. Really study them. What do you see?






One teacher said, "I felt like they were all moving...but slowly.
Kind of like, they were breathing."

The pictures attached are used to test the level of stress a person can
handle.

The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling
stress.

Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly;
however, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.

None of these images are animated - they are perfectly still...

SOJOURNER TRUTH

I had forgotten that this was Women's History Month until I dropped by Meritt's blog. She had posted this quote by Sojourner Truth and I stole borrowed it. Sojourner Truth was a former slave, abolitionist, preacher and advocate of women's rights. The narrative of her life as told to Olive Gilbert can be found with the stories of other wonderful women at the digital library, A Celebration of Women Writers.



~by Sojourner Truth in 1851~
Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about?

That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?

Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.

Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say.


Technorati Tags: Sojourner Truth, Women's History Month, History, Women+Writers, Digital Library, Digital Media

GIRL TALK - GUYS, YOU WERE WARNED!

Mom was a modest woman, raised in a time and place where private matters absolutely were not discussed in public. Any mention of bodily functions or anything remotely sexual would cause her face to flush bright red and her eyes to look anywhere but at the person who dared to bring up such an unlady-like subject. If forced into such a topic she was the Queen of Euphemisms, Mom could say more without actually saying anything than any person I ever met.

Somewhere in my early preteens it came time for her to tell me about "becoming a woman" (talk about euphemisms!). I don't remember how old I was, 10 or 11 maybe. But this time Mom had a plan!

Secretly, she sent away to Kotex for a little kit with a sample of everything in it (remember this was back in the day when you had to wear a sanitary belt) and a few pamphlets describing EXACTLY what would happen in great detail.

I wish I still had those pamphlets, I'm a little sentimental towards them. They were relatively upbeat -- telling you that there were some myths out there and that having your period didn't mean a thing, and that you could dance and do anything you wanted. It glossed over the cramps thing, which it could have stood to discuss in more detail, but I guess they wanted to not scare kids. Heck, the fact that you tried to bleed to death and felt like you'd eaten green apples each month was bad enough!

When my kit came in the mail she handed the box to me, explained that it was something I was now old enough to know, told me to read it and we would talk about what I had learned. I didn't know what was going on. It wasn't my birthday, why was I getting presents?

I went into the bedroom that I shared with Donna, lay across our bed and tried to make sense out of the funny looking stuff in that box. Mom must have stood guard, it was the first time I had ever went into a room and not be interrupted by a younger sister wanting to know what I was doing, what I had, where it came from, and why didn't they have one too.

In the package there was a piece of elastic with metal doohickies hanging off in a couple of places, 6 long thick cottony things that looked like I don't know what, and those cute little books. Lucky for me, I started reading young and could figure out that these weird things were supposed to be strapped on and shoved up between my legs. Yuck! How could I keep from walking spraddle-legged with that wad of stuff stuffed up into my crotch??

Then came the fun part. Nobody around our house ever ran around undressed. Although Mom and Dad were physically affectionate with each other, hugging and kissing and sitting in each other's laps, there was no bare skin or hanging out in your underwear. With 5 daughters in a three bedroom house with no indoor bathroom (days of the outhouse, y'all) modesty and privacy were highly valued and hard to come by.

Now not only did Mom have to have "the discussion", she actually had to show me how to wear that stupid belt and attach the pad. Fun stuff girls! If you think that wearing a pair of thongs are a pain in the butt (pun intended), then you ain't seen nothing until you try wearing a pad & belt all day.

The pads included with the kit were bulky and had long tabs on either end to hook onto the belt. The whole thing put together had the effect of a great big wedgie. It was lovely, the pads leaked and if you wore a tight skirt or pants you could see the outline of the belt. The tabs chaffed in the back and you could wind up with a red, raw ass crack.

We got through all this mother-daughter bonding with lots of flaming cheeks and giggles. The topic of sex was never brought up, I believe that Mom had all she could stand with just the "Curse" discussion. Being the oldest of 5 girls, Mom had to start with me but I'm sure she had her "bloody speech" down pat by the time Lana rolled around.

Dang, wonder what Mom would have ordered through the mail if she had planned the "Facts of Life" talk?? Maybe a catalog from Adam and Eve?

Thanks to MUM (MUseum of Menstruation ) where I found a lot more than was included in my first kit, including a Halloween Costume made out of feminine hygiene products!

Technorati Tags: Family, Mother+Daughter, Menstruation, Humor, Growing Up, Kotex, MUM, Feminine, Museum of Menstruation

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district... (Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSEN YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT]. (Love it! :-) )

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit! ;-) }

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSEI DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.

SNAP, CRACKLE, & POP

I just stood up and did a full hands in the air stretch. I swear I heard as well as felt my spine pop in several places. Damn, I sound like a bowl of rice crispies! Sitting in a chair in front of a bank of ‘puters from 5 A.M. until 2:30 P.M. is rough on your back, especially when you get my age. Working the weekend on a fine sunny Saturday sucks big time. It's 80 degrees out there and I'm trapped in this stupid control room.

Come on 5:30!!

I'M SUPERWOMAN

I'm at work on a slow Saturday doing a little blog cruising. I got this doodad over at PhilM's.

They must have met me several years ago. I'm no longer very lean, although the rest is true (I'm so modest HeeHee).

Your results:
You are Supergirl
Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.


Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

The Napoli Google Bomb

I know I said that I don't usually do politics, and I don't, BUT somethings need to advertised, just because what you don't know CAN hurt you. I lifted this entire post form Pat's blog. Help spread the word and save your wife, daughter, sister, and every other woman you know from the likes of Bill Napoli, a Republican state senator for South Dakota.

The Napoli Google Bomb
napoli (not to be confused with the proper noun, which indicates the Italian city)
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): napolied
Pronunciation: na'poli
1. To brutalize and rape, sodomize as bad as you can possibly can, a young, religious virgin woman who was saving herself for marriage.
2. To "hella rape" somebody.

Etymology: From State Senator Bill Napoli's (R-SD) words on an acceptable description of rape that would merit an exemption from South Dakota's abortion ban.

Bill Napoli

Urban Dictionary: Napoli

For the 4-11 on the Google Bombing efforts, see Smart Bitches.

OK, now back to me. For those of you who haven't heard Napoli's definition of necessary abortion, here it is, in a direct quote:

"A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated.

I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life."

South Dakota's law makes it a crime for a doctor to perform an abortion unless the mother's life is endangered. Quote from CNN: "The state legislature of South Dakota..........have usurped the right of the women of that state to decide whether or not to bear the child of an unwanted pregnancy. THEY will decide. Women will do what they decide". There are no exceptions for cases in which a mother's health may be threatened or cases in which the pregnancy results from rape or incest .

Spread the word & join in on the Google Bombing efforts. Go to Smart Bitches and post the links on your web site.

Update: Success-Napoli Google Bomb

Technorati Tags: Abortion, Bill Napoli, Rape+Napoli, Google, Politics, Women's Rights

I JUST WANT TO SHOOT SOME PEOPLE IN THE HEAD!

This is about Lucky and his mistreatment at the hands of the cruel and vicious people who used him as a "bait dog" to train fighting bulldogs. Here are links to his whole story. The sad thing is, several similar cases have happened around here. Lucky is the first survivor to have been found.

I've been following this story for a while, but haven't posted about it because it was so sad. I also have had a hard time writing this without resorting to vulgar language.

I have to admit that I am ashamed that such things happen here in my neck of the woods. But now things are looking up for this poor pup and I can't help but brag about how people have opened up to this "underdog".

Luck was found wrapped in a trash bag, still alive and thrown in a dumpster. His mouth was duct-taped shut, eyes swollen, multiple bite wounds over his head and neck, and his already rotting front leg dangling by a shred of skin. Thank goodness someone with a kind heart heard a whimper and did something other than walk on by.

The good Samaritan called the Decatur Animal Shelter. The Shelter employees took Lucky to a local vet who treated him and offered a $5oo reward for information leading to the arrest of the Sadistic nimrods who did this.

A veterinarian in Tallahassee, Fla., contacted him after reading about Lucky when THE DECATUR DAILY's story ran nationwide called and offered to provide a prosthetic limb. Lots of trials and operations later, the prosthetic failed to work. But Lucky was healing and healthy.

And the reward continued to grow as people came out of the woodwork to help. What was $500 turned into $6000, then finally, $14,000. But so far no one's been arrested. I have hopes that when they find the culprit the legal system will bring back public stoning.



OK, now for my point. I don't usually do politics but this is a special case. I need y'all, that means YOU ALL, to help push the House to approve H.R. 817, which would make all organized animal fighting a federal felony.

Currently, dogfighting is a federal misdemeanor. It is a felony in 48 states, including Alabama, while chicken fighting is a misdemeanor in 16 states, including Alabama.

This law targets the people who breed fighting dogs and chickens and have all these markets all over the country. Right now we've got some of these major breeders of fighting dogs who advertise in magazines and on the Web, and they make big money selling game-bred pit bulls off of proven bloodlines.

So write a letter, send an e-mail or fax. This could happen to your darling dog!! These people pick up any animal that will stand still long enough. Dogs go missing all the time, and the majority of them are either used as "bait dogs" or as subjects in lab experiments.

Let's speak out for our 4 legged companions who can't speak for themselves.


Technorati Tags: Dog+ Fighting, H.R. 817, News, Lucky+Dog, Decatur Daily, Animal Cruelity,

SO, YOU WANTA BE A JET PILOT?

Today is the first time I've touched a 'puter in days. It's been way too nice outside to spend my few days off inside. I haven't done anything worth blogging about, but I had a great time doing it!

In place of a well writen post (Yeah, like I ever give y'all one of those!) I'll give you this link that Carol sent to me. It's a game that the Air Force uses to train their jet pilots and check their coordination. It looks simple (no planes are involved) but believe me, it's not!

So go and play Excapa! and let us know how well you do. 18 seconds is supposed to be brilliant, but I never got past 10 seconds. Guess I'll have to stick to driving a car!

MY GOD - THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!

After I saw a silver headed penis lurking in DB's new coffee maker, I decided to do a web search for phallic symbols. Surely I'm not the only one with an active imagination (or a dirty mind, take your pick). I didn't include any of the actual graphic images of peni (plural for pensis, I looked it up) , dicks, cocks, aka male genitalia, that would have been too easy and y'all know what one looks like, anyway.

(On a semi-related note, Big Dick has a hysterical list of euphemisms for self gratification).

First I ran across CULTURAL STUDIES/SEXUAL ANXIETY:THE CONFESSIONS OF A MEDIEVAL(IST) by Jaxqueline Murray. Although a bit dry, it's well worth reading. I particularly like the line "I spend my time trying to peek into the sex lives of a society approximately 800 years in the past......I have been exposing and gazing upon the genitals of medieval men". You gotta love an academic who thinks and writes like that. The lady has some valid points if you read the entire paper.



Then of course you had Sigmund Freud, founder of psychoanalysis, who deemed all kind of things as sexual symbols. Neckties, trains, snakes, cigars, sticks, umbrellas, posts, trees, all representive of the male organ. The man needed a doctor himself with such quotes as "objects which share with the thing they represent the characteristic of penetrating into the body and injuring - thus, sharp weapons of every kind, knives, daggers, spears, sabres, but also fire-arms, rifles, pistols and revolvers (particularly suitable owing to their shape)", from his work "Introductory Lectures of Psycho-Analysis" (1916-1917),

Next I did a Google Image Search for phallic symbols. Just a few that I found, excluding the obvious ones (I had lots more, but Blogger is acting up and they keep disappearing!!! ).


Yep, looks phallic to me


Mother Nature gettin' in on the act.


Of course, the media has been using sexual innuendo for ages. Fun with phalluses- as the images below depict, phallic imagery is a favorite of advertising firms for representing sex, masculinity, power, and the "ideal man".



Now that I have you all hot and bothered, I'm going to leave you with a spicy little poem.


Jane Hirshfield's "Of Gravity and Angels"
And suddenly, again,
I want the long road of your thigh,
under my hand, your well-travelled thigh,
your salt-licked & come-slicked thigh,
and I want the taste of you, slaking,
under my tongue (that place of riding desire,
my tongue) and I want
all the unnameable, soft, and yielding places,
bell & neck & the place wings would rise from
if we were angels,
and we are, and I want the rising regions of you
shoulder & cock & tongue & breathing &
suddenness of you
opening.

Technorati Tags: Sex, Jane Hirshfield, Phallic+Symbol, Freud, Advertising

IMAGINE

I got this from Lady K. It seems like a lot of fun, and y'all need to play with me PLEASE. I know y'all all got tons of imagination (after all, I've read your blogs) so make up a story about you and me. No holds barred, now TELL ME A STORY.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we
don't speak often or don't really know each other) please post a comment with a
COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you!

Technorati Tags: Meme, Story, Fiction, Friends

SIGNS OF SPRING

Lord knows I'm not in the best of shape. Between Father Time, Mother Nature, and Mr. Gravity, various bits have started to sag and bag. I tend to be a bit of a hedonist (i.e. I enjoy good food and drink) which hasn't helped me keep a girlish figure. I don't tend to dress my age, I'm a jeans and T-shirt kinda gal. No knit suits and sack-like dresses for me. I wear shorts and bathing suites in public. So you know I'm not a prude in the clothing department.

BUT.....
This warm weather continues and the birds, bees and flowers aren't the only thing Spring-like that's making an appearance. The shorts and halter tops have come out of the closet and hit the streets.

Far be it for me to talk about bellies becoming muffin tops or thighs jiggling (that's like the pot calling the kettle black!). It's just that I went to WalMart the other day and I couldn't believe the amount of fish-belly white fat that was exposed.

Females of all ages were strutting their stuff in the sunshine. Overweight teens, puffy 20 somethings, pudgy 30's Mamas, middle-aged madams, they all proudly displayed their overhanging middles and cellulite for all to see.

Now I don't know about y'all, but I like to show my assets and cover up the things that aren't all that attractive when I go out in public. I would love to wear some of the fashions in the stores but I know I no longer have the figure to pull then off ( I'm not fond of hearing people snicker when I walk by). I know what I look like, what looks good on me, and what is only wishful thinking when I admire that skimpy outfit in the store.

So Ladies. Strut your stuff but look in the mirror before you leave the house. Check out both the front and the back view, please. Just because it comes in your size doesn't mean that you should wear it!!

Show your beautiful self to the world, but some things should remain a mystery. It's far more sexy to allude to something than to flash it for all the world to see. Let's put our best, er, foot, out there for everyone to see.

Technorati Tags: Fashion, Rant, Weight, Appearance, Spring, Fat

FIND THE MAN IN THE COFFEE BEANS

I found this at Greg's World (Greg and Big Dick are the ones who do the Fat Friday photos).

I'll admit, I didn't do too well at this. See what you can do and let me know in the comments. It'll be nice if I find out someone else has a few seconds trouble spotting the guy (I think I'll call him Juan).

This is an actual test-Can you find the man within 3 seconds?

This is pretty interesting -- it is actually a test (not a joke), although I don't know how scientific the explanation is. Read directions below and give it a try.

According to medical experiments if you can find the Man's Head within:
3 seconds: your right brain is more developed than normal people
1 minute: your right brain is developed normally
1-3 minutes: your right brain is slow in reacting, you should eat more meat protein
If you can't find the Man's Head in 3 minutes or more: your right brain is a disaster ... extremely slow in reacting, eat way more protein and try some Ginkgo Biloba.

AND, YES THERE REALLY IS A MAN IN THERE.

Technorati Tags: Memes, Tests, Puzzles, IQ, Links,

TAGGED

I got tagged by Doreen over at Thanks For The Ride, Lady with the 7 song Meme & the rules are:

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

Dang, this is hard! I love music of all kinds and listen to whatever my mood calls for that day. I range from oldies to hard core head-banging rock to country to blues. Plus half the time I can't remember which group goes with which song. Here are my choices in no particular order.

1. "If I Was Getting It at Home" by Peggy Scott Adams: (click #7 to hear a clip of this song). Peggy Scott Adams is a homegirl from 'Bama who's been rocking the R&B world forever. This is an older song and I couldn't find the lyrics anywhere but one of my favorite lines from it goes something like this "I might not be a spring chicken, but I ain't an old hen. Us women over 40 need a little now and again". Amen Sister! If you ladies out there have never heard any of Peggy's stuff, go online and check her out. Download a song or two. I've got a homemade CD of Peggy, Sheba Potts Wright, and Denise Lasalle that is our "Girls Gone Out" music.

2. "Battleship Chains" by Georgia Satellites: Their first album "Georgia Satellites (1986)" was my feel good/driving music for a while. Now I've got it on CD and the fun continues. I can't help drumming on the steering wheel with the sound jacked up while people wonder who's the crazy lady driving way too fast. At least they get out of my way in fear!!

3. "18 Wheeler" by Pink: You can blame Karen for this one. She's a Pink fanatic and I've been around her. Now I have this song stuck in my head. Gotta admit it makes a good "Get out of my face" song.

4. "Rock Star" by Nickelback: Karen's fault again.I love Nickelback, and she bought this CD. Now I gotta steal it long enough to burn me a copy. It talks about the "illusions" people have what it's like being a rock star so well I want to quit my job, write a rock song, learn to play guitar, and be a Rock Star too.

5. "Disease" by Matchbox 20 : This song got me through a lot of heartache and tears. In fact, the whole "More Than You Think" album is great. I know, they've been around a while but HEY I like this group. Go here to listen to any of their albums for free.

6." The Martian Boogie" by Brownsville Station: (click #18 to hear a clip) I've been collecting some of the stuff I listened back when and I just received "Smokin' In The Boy's Room: The Best Of Brownsville Station" a few weeks ago. My son just rolls his eyes but this is goldie oldie for me. Besides, I get to sing it around the house just to irritate him!!

7. "Old Red" by Blake Shelton: I'm not usually into country music much, but I like this one. It's a feel good country song that's fun to sing and will give you a giggle. Besides, the Sheltons' are kin and you know how we Southerners are about supporting our folks. The fact that he sings beautifully and is damn cute helps, too. Go here for videos and your daily dose of eye candy.

BONUS: "Good Ol' Boys" by Willie Nelson: My 6 year old grandson is a Dukes of Hazzard fanatic. He watches it several times a day, knows all the episodes by heart, has the movie memorized, and walks around singing this song all the time. Neither He nor I could carry a tune in a bucket but we have a blast with this one.

I'm not tagging anyone, but play if you want. Leave a comment here to let us know to come and check out your music tastes.

Technorati Tags: Music, Memes, Blog, Fun, Favorites, Tagged

I'm A Goddess!

I've been over at Ma's again and stole borrowed this quiz. She was Snow and both Bitichitude and I are:


Water You are the Goddess of Water.
-You are an easygoing spirit, and love being around
people. You have strong emotions when
provoked, but are a generally happy person.
You are non-confrontational, preferring to go
with the flow.


Which Elemental Goddess Are You? (yes, it has anime pictures)
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UP UP AND AWAY

Every thing around here is up. The temperature, the buttercups, my weight, my blood sugar, my Cholesterol.

Spring is in the air, and I need to get off my more-than-ample behind and start moving around. I got out today and pulled a few weeds but the greening grass and fallen limbs gave me out just looking at them.

Time to tune up the lawn mower and trim the grass plus rake up the left over leaves, pile up the limbs and have a bonfire. I need to scrub the grill, too. I'm ready for cook-outs and friends hanging around pitching horseshoes and playing badminton. Maybe going to the mountains of Bankhead for some day hikes and wading in the creeks (while keeping a lookout for dangerous wild critters like rattlesnakes, copperheads, cotton mouths aka Water Moccasins and feral hogs).

All this sunshine is giving me cabin fever.

EARLY WARNING SYSTEM FOR DATES

I got this from Pisser. Click on the picture on the left to enlarge it and read the meanings. How many of these people have you made the mistake of getting involved with?

Wouldn't it be nice if your potential date came with a tattooed warning about his/her bad habits? Think of the time, trouble and $$$ saved if you knew before hand that the Sexy Thang coming on to you was a bum or freak or Mama's boy/Daddy's Girl!!

Of course, people change. So the tattoo might have to be altered if the asswad changed his/her ways. But come on people, how many times does a true "Hell NO" become the "One".

What would your tattoo say about YOU?

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BRAIN?

Found this at Ma's.


GREEN:

At work or in school: I work best by myself.

I like to focus on my ideas until my desire

for understanding is satisfied. I am easily

bored if the subject holds no interest to me.

Sometimes, it is hard for me to set

priorities because so many things are of

interest.

With friends: I may seem reserved. Although

my thoughts and feelings run deep, I am

uneasy with frequent displays of emotion. I

enjoy people who are interesting and of high

integrity.

With family: I am probably seen as a loner

because I like a lot of private time to

think. Sometimes, I find family activities

boring and have difficulty following family

rules that don't make sense to me. I show

love by spending time with my family and

sharing ideas and interests.


What Color is Your Brain?
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