NEW YEAR'S EVE POST

Wahoo! I actually got 24 hours off Sunday (worked off midnights at 6 AM and came back this morning at 6AM. Working is a bitch but it pays the bills). I went home, fell into bed with a puss cuddled on each side, took a nap until noon and then went to town with my buddy Carol.

Carol was on a mission, in search of the perfect curtains. We hit Target, Wal-Mart, TJ Maxx and K Mart. The perfect curtain had to be navy blue, room darkening, and kid proof; not too much to ask but it seems that solid color curtains aren’t in fashion. She finally bought some at Wal-Mart but they weren’t exactly what she wanted.

Along the way I wound up buying a new plaid trench coat for 50% off and several pieces of amber jewelry (I’ve got a thing for amber). I also got lucky and found some digital Christmas ornaments (you download pictures onto the permanent memory and they act like a digital picture frame hanging on your tree) for 75% off at Target. That’s a great deal, marked down to $7 from $29.99; I got one and Carol got the only other two left. The ornaments were hidden behind some other stuff; otherwise they would have been gone because all the after-Christmas stuff was really picked over.

While standing in the checkout line I always pass the wait by reading the magazine headlines. I pointed out one on Cosmo to Carol that said in big bold letters “DIRTY SEXY SEX” and remarked to her that although it’s been a while, the last I remembered, if sex isn’t sexy then you’re doing it wrong! After all our ramblings I got home around 8 PM, passed out on the couch until 10:30 and then went to bed and slept until the alarm went off this morning.

The weather man is predicting our first snow flurries in the morning, Alabama isn’t known for the white stuff so they're making a big deal out of it (any time the forecast is for snow or ice everyone here makes a run on the grocery store and buys out all the bread and milk, I have no idea why). Tomorrow night it’s supposed to get down to 18 degrees so I guess I’ll have to break out the long johns and heavy socks. I just hope the road doesn’t ice over because I drive up and down mountains on narrow 2 lane roads and we don’t get weather days at the paper mill. Gotta remember to get some more cedar shaving for the dogs house on the way home this afternoon, too. Nothing worse than frost-bitten pooches.

I hope all of you have a Happy New Year; I’ll be snug in bed long before midnight so if you celebrate, drink one for me.

HOLIDAY MOOD

Last night I got to watch my 8 year old grandson play basketball for the first time, this is his first year to play and I’m usually at work when he has a game. I’m proud to say he got two baskets, two rebounds and one stolen ball; not too shabby for someone who never played before (Yeah, Nana is bragging). Wish I had thought to bring a camera so I could bore y’all with grandmotherly type photos, maybe next time my mind won’t be blank and I’ll do better. He’s a head taller than all the other kids but so skinny that he has trouble keeping his pants up. Yep, I have a tow headed beanpole with big feet for a grandson, but dang he’s a pretty thang.

I’m finally getting into a holiday mood (bout time don’t ya think); there’s a turkey in the oven (who knew that it takes weeks to thaw one of those suckers out, after 5 days in the fridge it's innards were still frozen solid and I had to shove my hand up the turkey's butt and dig 'em out) and the car trunk is loaded with presents for our family get-to-gather tomorrow. I’ve been watching sappy holiday movies on Lifetime TV and humming Christmas carols all day. Lady Scrooge has left the building and Grandma Christmas has made her belated appearance.

I’ve had the hardest time putting myself in a holiday frame of mind: our parents’ wedding anniversary was Christmas day, Mom died just before the Christmas that would have been their 50th, and Dad passed 10 months later. Although we still have our family shindig at the home place, it’s just not the same. The house is packed with relatives; inlaws and outlaws and dozens of kids running around yelling and screaming, but there’s still an empty space that you can feel in your heart. It’s been several years since Mom and Dad left us, but I still expect to see them both when I walk in the door. They say that time heals all, but it’s going to be a long long time before the home place feels like Lana’s house and not my parents’.

Gotta go and check on the bird, nothing worse than a dried up old turkey, so Happy Holidays to everyone and I’ll be by to check on y’all soon.

SPECIAL REQUEST-WHITE TRASH CHRISTMAS

I found this video several years ago and when I posted the link it was a big hit. Everyone has asked me to to post the link again this year, so here it is. The video fairly long but sooo worth the wait! If you've got dial-up you might not be able to hear it, sorry.

You'll be singing the "White Trash Christmas" song yourself after watching this. And everytime you watch it you'll see some little detail that you missed the first time {watch for the hound that humps everything}. Please give it time to load and I promise you'll laugh yourself silly.

So without farther ado, I give you:

WHITE TRASH CHRISTMAS

ON THE FLOOR

Now I know I’m getting old.


After spending several hours in the floor surrounded by wrapping paper and bows, I found that I couldn’t just get up like I used to. Damned if I didn’t have to get on my hands and knees before I could struggle upright and on my feet! I go to the gym, I do setups and all that other crap, why the hell did my tired old bones lockup after hunkering down on the carpet? I was OK once I was standing, but gravity had me glued to the floor. It was like there was a big magnet sucking my fat ass downward every time I tried to stand up.

The cats seemed to get a kick out of it; they circled me meowing either encouragement or insults, I couldn’t tell which. I shoulda chunked them both up against the wall before I got up off the floor, just to teach them not to laugh at the person responsible for filling the food dish and emptying the litter box. Thank God no one else was around to witness my decent into feebleness or else I never would have heard the end of it (I know y’all won’t tell anyone!).

Guess I need to take up yoga or something to help on my flexibility. There aren’t any classes here in the boonies but I can get a CD and entertain the pussies some more. Thank goodness there aren’t anymore presents to wrap; I’m not sure I can go through anymore humiliation this week.

GODS IN ALABAMA

How could I pass up a book with the first line: "THERE ARE GODS in Alabama: Jack Daniel's, high school quarterbacks, trucks, big tits, and also Jesus". All true, although I think that "big tits" should count as Twin Goddesses.

When running through WalMart on the way to work, the title caught my eye (hello - I live in Alabama!) and then the first page grabbed me. The story might be crap (haven't read it yet) but I have high hopes. This isn't my usual type of reading material, so we'll just have to wait and see.

Now I gotta go and pretend to know what I'm doing here at the slave factory. A boiler has crashed, everybody and his brother are on site (ON A SUNDAY) and the place is a madhouse. Hopefully all the VIPs will go home soon so we can get things squared away and have a peaceful night.

Last week it was in the high 70's here; all the windows at home were open and you saw people out wearing shorts and tank tops. Tonight it's in the low 20s with a wicked wind that cuts right to the bone, no matter how warmly you're dressed. If there are "Gods In Alabama", the Weather God is either schizophrenic or bi-polar!

CLOSE CALL

I had a close call with The Grim Reaper today.

As I was exiting the post office my traffic light was green, but just as I entered the highway some ditzy blonde bitch in a green Ford pickup blew right through the red signal moving well above the speed limit, staring at me the whole time like “What the hell are you doing pulling out in front of me!”

I slammed on the brakes (never let anyone tell you that a front wheel drive car won’t leave black marks) slid sideways and slung all my junk that stays heaped in the backseat into the floorboard. The Ford Floozy just kept on keeping on, never once hitting her brakes or even slowing down. Thank Goodness I was only going about 3 MPH or else there would have been a mating of vehicles and not in a good way.

All I could do was sit there, half in the road and half in the parking lot, trying to get my heart out of my throat and my breathing under control. Luckily I stopped just short of T-boning the Hurrying Harlot but it was too damned close for comfort. I realize everyone is running around like crazy trying to get ready for the holidays but come on people, Safety First and all that. What kinda Christmas is your family gonna have if you’re in the hospital or even worse in the morgue?

In other news: the living room floor is piled up with wrapped presents, the stocking are hung and I have a fine collection of Christmas cards from friends and family. The cats have been playing King of The Mountain on the stacked boxes, shredding paper and unraveling bows to their furry hearts content. Everyone’s been bought for so no more fighting crowds and I actually have several days off next week. Barring schedule changes, I work off Tuesday morning and don’t have to go back until Christmas night. I can’t remember the last time I had Christmas Eve off from work!

Sorry I haven’t visited everyone’s blogs, I can’t do it at work and I haven’t had time what with working OT and trying to get all the shopping done. I promise to get around to everyone as soon as possible, but until then know that I’m thinking of you all and wishing y’all a Merry (and safe) Christmas.

THE FULL BODY PROJECT

Leonard Nimoy is perhaps better know as Star Trek's Dr. Spock but he is also a very well known and respected photographer. His latest gallery showing is "The Full Body Project" featuring not stick thin models but women of size (you can see several of the photos on the website). Never one to follow the crowd, Nimoy has decided to showcase the beauty of the full bodied woman. In his own words:

I asked them to be proud, which was a condition they took to easily, quite naturally. Having completed the compositions that were initially planned, I then asked them to play some music that they had brought with them, and they quickly responded to the rhythms, dancing in a free-form circular movement with in the space. It was clear that they were comfortable with the situation, with each other, and were enjoying themselves.

How wonderful to find a person, and a man at that, who doesn't shy away from a woman with a little meat on her bones. These woman are more what we normal females look like; not those stick thin waifs you see on the catwalk, those boys with boobs whose pelvic bones could and should be considered lethal weapons. These are women who enjoy life, you don't hear skinny women talk about much except their diets and how much they weigh.

Many full-figured women are tormented because they haven't learned to love themselves. I believe this is because society as a whole (TV, magazines and the web are full of diet, weight loss and exercise ads), and so called friends and loved ones in particular, badger them to become something that they're not. Some of us will never be skinny no matter what we do. Age and gravity work on us all. Things settle, the "girls" head south, our asses droop and drag, we get that pooch on our tummies from carrying our children 9 months. And you men don't fare any better: the more your belly sticks out the less ass you seem to have, your hair migrates from the top of your head to your back and shoulders, your "solider" doesn't salute near as often nor does he "raise the flag" near as high. The main difference that I see between the sexes is that no matter how bald, fat, old or wrinkled a man gets, he still considers himself fine. I wish the ladies had the same self confidence. And ladies, you should know that there are guys out there who love your curves, AskMen.com - Skinny vs. Full-Figured Women or this guy and his commenters.

It's like the great poet Sir Mix-A-Lot once said: "I like big butts and I cannot lie."

So Ladies, love yourself. You have to consider yourself lovable before someone else can love you. No one wants someone who considers themselves worthless. You have to decide that you deserve love; hell, you deserve to be adored for the wonderful sexy vixen that you are. And age doesn't count, you can be a silver fox if you want. And men, cut the ladies some slack. A well rounded woman of any age will love you all night long leaving you gasping for breath and jumping for joy.

HO HO HO - OH MY ACHING FEET

Ah, what sweet relief to finally get home and take off those damn shoes (wiggles toes in bliss). I’m used to sitting in front of a bank of ‘puters that look like something aboard the Star Trek Enterprise for 12 hours (which explains why my arse is soooooo big and my feet aren’t - as you can see in the pic to the right. Yeah, I work hard. Shut up damn it, I get paid for what I know not what I do, not to say I don't do anything ........), not traipsing from store to store in search of the perfect Christmas presents for my tribe of nieces and nephews great and small.

The stores are already thronged by masses of Christmas shoppers, and its assholes and elbows to get to the good stuff. As usual, Jr. just HAS to have the latest gewgaw in fashion and Mom & Dad are bound and determined that the youngster not be shamed in front of his peers. It hasn’t gotten to the bloody mayhem stage yet but I predict that in only a few days time we’ll see newscasts of shoppers fighting in the aisles. There was an EMS vehicle in front of the mall and several cops talking to some young men but I couldn’t tell what happened; it seems that I missed all the excitement, Thank Goodness.

I managed to get 90% of my shopping done, so I’m good. I hate to wait until the last minute and then grab just anything. A gift should show some thought, it's not how much you spend but the fact that you cared enough to think of something that fits the personality of the gifted/giftee.

Now it’s time to kick back on the couch and watch the latest episode of Torchwood on BBCAmerica. Captain Jack is a doll and what with all the overtime that I've been working I've gotten behind on whats happening, plot twists etc. Plus I just have to have my dose of eye candy before bedtime, conductive to sweet dreams don't ya know! Nite Y’all.