HALLOWEEN RANT (I DON'T NEED NO STINKING COSTUME!)

Who needs a store-bought Halloween costume? I look in the mirror at all the ravages that Father Time has done to this tired old body and I’m about as scary as I can get without putting on a mask or wig.

What were once freckles are now fast spreading age spots, and beauty marks have turned into moles that seem to pop up in weird places and make me worry about skin cancer, something that I never thought about a few years ago.

I have lumps and bumps and rolls where once there was an hourglass figure. My skin now drinks in lotion like a camel at an oasis, no longer the texture of a baby’s bottom; rough where it should be smooth and sagging like the shoulders of the exhausted elderly woman I’m fast becoming.

The boobs are heading South of the border and my feet are getting bigger; but not near as fast as my ass is spreading out. The gray is fast taking over my once reddish brown curls and my hairdresser is losing the battle to camouflage the iron colored strands with streaks and highlights.

So I’m not going to dress up tonight. Instead I’m gonna so without makeup, let my hair go wild and stop trying to suck in my gut. I’m wearing sweats, a t-shirt and no bra. I’m letting it all hang out (picture the grandma on the Klumps running in the dream sequence with boobs bouncing all over the place!) and scare all the tick or treaters who show up at the door with my natural hideous self.

So come and get some candy kids. Don’t be afraid, this too will happen to you in a hundred years or so. Happy Halloween y’all.

KINKY SEX LIFE

I found these and other strange but true facts at The Oyster's Garter. Who knew that the animal kingdom was so erotic/kinky? This shit is too weird to be made up but still strangely fascinating.

Samantha Henig just reported on the Museum of Sex exhibit on the Sex Lives of Animals. I like gay giraffes and well-endowed lady hyenas as much as the next person (OK, probably more), but the list struck me as shockingly mammal-biased.
Vertebrates—and that includes non-fuzzy critters like fish—comprise a mere 5 percent of the world's species. The spineless have kinky sex, too! Here's a list of a few of my personal favorites:
- As I wrote on the original Oyster's Garter blog, barnacles have the most impressive penises in the sea. A barnacle’s penis can be 8 times longer than the barnacle’s entire body. Barnacles are well-endowed because they’re cemented in place—in order to advance the species, they need to, um, “visit” their neighbors. (That’s also why barnacles are simultaneous hermaphrodites that both give and receive the glorious gift of crustacean life. Separate sexes wouldn’t work, since the only neighbor in reach could be the same sex.)
- Marine flatworms, also simultaneous hermaphrodites, fence with razor-sharp penises. Since they lack a female orifice, sex occurs when the loser gets stabbed right through their body wall. The technical term? Hypodermic impregnation. Some spiders do it too. Ow.
- From horrifying spiked beetle penises to earwig penises that occasionally snap right off in the midst of sex, insects have all kinds of bizarre sexual practices. But you don't have to take my word for it—check out Season 1 of Isabella Rossellini's Green Porno series, where she dramatizes doin' it as all kinds of bug.

-And from a different article in the same blog "that is far worse than the Wired list's No. 8, having your sluggy sweetie gnaw off your penis. (Ok, maybe not.)" Wow, I'm becoming a fountain of usless but interesting trivia. Go check out The Garter.

35 QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

From Jackie Sue at Yellowdog Granny.
The official meme rules are:
Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on.Answers may be one word only. Once you have filled it out be sure to pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers. Alert them that they have been awarded! Have fun!And this is the award you'll get if you get tagged to answer questions and pass the award and duties that go with it on to six of your blog buddies:

1. Where is your cell phone? on the charger
2. Your hair? is cut in a new 'do which I hate. Oh well, it'll grow
3. Your mother? was my best friend and I miss her every day
4. Your father? Daddy was the king of the house, with 6 women to look after him. In other words, he was spoiled rotten
5. Your favorite food? anything that doesn't include innards
6. Your dream last night? I never dream, or at least I don't remember dreaming
7. Your favorite drink? I'm Southern, so iced tea of course.Diew Dew runs a close second
8. Your dream/goal? I'm a simple woman, my goal is just to be happy
9. What room are you in? my living room which is packed wall to wall with books
10. Your hobby? reading, see #9
11. Your fear? Being helpless, a family history of Alzheimer's makes it worse as I get older.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Alive.
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? Tactful (Jackie Sue & I have this in common)
15. Muffins? rather have cupcakes, love that sinful icing
16. Wish list item? does good health and my 25 year old body count?
17. Where did you grow up? Moulton, AL
18. Last thing you did? Washed dishes
19. What are you wearing? PJ pants & white T shirt
20. Your TV? on
21. Your pets? 2 indoor kitties & which ever stray shows up at the door
22. Friends? lots, and I love all of em
23. Your life? work, sleep and waiting for Prince Charming who I think dropped dead from a heart attack on the way over
24. Your mood? usually upbeat, if I got my nap out that is
25. Missing someone? Mom, Dad & my sanity
26. Vehicle? Silver 2004 OZ Rally Racer
27. Something you’re not wearing? a bra and shoes.
28. Your favorite store? any and all of my local stores.
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed? Talking to one of my girlfriends
31. Last time you cried? reading the book I finished at 3 AM this morning
33. One place that I go to over and over? work & WallMart
34. One person who emails me regularly? Phyllis Wallace
35. Favorite place to eat? Moulton Steak House

And now for the award and duty bestowing:
I don't have 6 favorite bloggers. So sign yourselves up if you're interested

BRA THAT TURNS INTO A GAS MASK

Who said that there's nothing new under the sun? Folks, I give you a bra that morphs into 2, that's right, 2 lifesaving gas masks. No, it's not a joke. And no, it wasn't invented by a man. Since each breathable bra converts into 2 rebreathers, I guess they plan on we females of the species to share with one of our male coworkers. See guys, we're good for something besides getting coffee.

Now if they could just make the damned underwires comfortable.......

Introducing the bra that is meant to be taken off by Elinor Mills
The gas mask bra is one of the winners at the 19th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony.(Credit: Elena Bodnar)

This week the Annals of Improbable Research hosted its 19th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. As CNET News' Elinor Mills wrote, this year was no less ignoble than the previous 18, with such delightful discoveries as applications for panda poo and observations from a lifetime of knuckle cracking.

Elena Bodnar, who lives in Chicago, got her start as a scientist in Ukraine, when she witnessed the devastating effects of the Chernobyl nuclear plant disaster in 1986. She noticed, among other things, that women were wearing bras that may have been lacy but were certainly not life-saving.

Read the article to find out more.