IS MY FACE RED?

I've never been what you would call graceful. My name and the words "Poetry in motion" have never been mentioned in the same sentence, and for good reason. I stride instead of glide and the few times I've attempted to dance it looked more like a spastic being electrocuted than Ginger Rogers tripping the light fantastic. Maybe that's why I was never any good at sports, no coordination (plus the fact that I don’t always play well with others).

OK, so now you have the picture of a klutzy stumbling bumbling Junebugg in your mind. Add to that equation an all day shopping excursion wearing a brand new pair of slick-soled, high-heeled cowboy boots fresh out of the box.

Can you see where this scenario is headed? Come on, it doesn't take that much imagination. That's right. I fell, TWICE. In the Mall and AGAIN in Wal-Mart. And no, I wasn't drinking, thank you very much.

You would think, considering how much padding I'm endowed with, that I would bounce like a super ball, but noooooo. My butt didn't hit the floor, I landed on my right knee both times. Did you know that those stores are built on concrete slabs? A knee cap doesn't have any padding, and bone slamming against concrete while being propelled by the body of a falling plus sized female creates quite a smack.

I did manage to hang on to all my bags of loot but I know I looked funny as hell with my ass stuck up in the air (no wise cracks about my best side being up). Luckily each time we were leaving the store when I attempted to plant my face in the floor, so I didn't have to deal with the embarrassment of the many bystanders who witnessed my fall from grace following me around, constantly asking me if I was alright.

My knee cap is now missing a bit of skin, plus both my right thigh, the left side of my neck and shoulder, and my lower back are aching just a bit. I'll live, but I expect to be more than a little tender in those areas when I roll out of bed in the morning. I can't wait to see the size and color variations of the bruises I know will develop over night.

It could have been worse; I could have broken something and not been able to get up & make my escape. I can see it now, me lying there in the floor like a beached whale, surrounded by my sexy new lace thongs and what-nots, the crowd of gawkers growing larger by the minute, while someone calls an ambulance so even more people can learn that I can't walk and talk at the same time.

I think I'll take an aspirin or three and go to bed.