HOG WILD!

Down here in 'Bama, our men start doing all those manly type things at a young age (which ain't necessarily a good thang!). Plus this picture proves that Texas ain't the only place where things grow bigger. (Sorry JS!)

Jamison Stone, 11, with the wild pig he killed near Delta on May 3 that reportedly weighed 1,051 pounds and measured 9-feet-4-inch. (article in Decatur Daily)

Man, that's a lot of pork chops on the hoof!

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND

I don't have anything interesting to blog about - so I thought I'd just wish everyone a safe and happy holiday weekend and maybe even give you a giggle to start you out in a good mood.

One day while passing a nursing home I noticed six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to speak with the manager.

I asked:
"Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes", he said.
"They're retired prostitutes having a Yard Sale."

(The sexy 'toon is from Suddenly Senior, a wonderful site for the over 50 crowd. If you haven't checked it out, hurry over. It's got tons of links about everything from legal advise to cartoons to senior travel deals.)

SWEET THANG

Many of you have asked about how Sweet Thang is recovering from his motorcycle mishap. Sorry it’s taken so long to reply; I haven’t given you a progress report because there hasn’t been much progress to write about.

So far it’s been 4 weeks, well almost 5, and things are pretty much the same. Sweet Thang is still wheelchair bound although he can manage the bed to wheelchair and back transfer on his own. A large bedsore has developed on one heel but it’s starting to heal up (that’s almost a pun!). He’s still in a lot of pain, one of the plates runs across his lower back and is attached to his tail bone, so he can only sit up for a few hours before the aching forces him back to bed. He’s taking a lot of pain meds; between the meds, inactivity and the aftereffects of the surgery he’s having a lot of problems with constipation which doesn’t make things any more comfortable.

The poor dear is going back to the Doctor on Thursday so maybe before too long he’ll get the go ahead for physical therapy to start; when he was in the hospital they said it would take between 6 and 8 weeks for the bones in his hip to heal enough to bear some of his weight. Although learning to walk again will involve more pain of a different sort, at least it'll be a step (another pun!) in the right direction and something to work toward. We have been told to expect between 3 to 6 months before he can actually walk once he starts trying to use the broken hip, so Sweet Thang still has a long way to go.

Speaking of weight, Sweet Thang has dropped a lot of pounds but not in a good way. You know how you can sometimes see suffering in a person’s face? That’s the way he looks now. His cheekbones are sharp looking, jutting out from his face like blades and beneath his eyes are bruised-colored dark hollows. This once amazingly strong man now has trouble doing his 3 times a week sessions with the Home Health person using only 5 pounds weights where before he could toss my ample ass around as if I were a 50 pound kid.

It hurts my heart to see Sweet Thang reduced to having to have his Mom wash his hair for him and to hear the weakness in his voice, but he’s doing his best to keep his spirits up. His birthday is June 5 and I’m trying to come up with some way to make the day special. My sister Teresa is making him a boob cake, which I hope will bring a smile to his face (it’ll the closest he’s been to having sex in a long time and it appears that it’s going to be even longer before we can remedy that situation!)

Once again, thanks for all the support. Both Sweet Thang and I appreciate it.

GOOD READ

Serial killer? Massive amounts of blood and gore and absolute evil? For those of you who are fans of the books "Silence of the Lambs" and "Red Dragon", you need to check out "Shadow Man" (click on the picture on the left to go to it's Amazon site). This first novel is the beginning of a new series by a promising author named Cody McFadyen and the story is so good that several of my coworkers are arguing over who gets dibs on reading it next.

The series stars a hard-luck female FBI agent named Smoky Barrett (with occasional flashbacks to her own brutal rape and the murder of her family at the hands of a different serial killer, a series of events that made her the tormented woman she is today) who heads the FBI's L.A. Violent Crimes Unit, and the antagonist in this debut effort is a serial killer known as "Jack Jr.," who believes he's a descendant of Jack the Ripper.

This book is chilling to say the least. WARNING: Not for the faint of heart: descriptions of Jack Junior’s despicable crimes are gruesome and occasionally even upsetting-BLOOD AND GORE GALORE! Combined with the simple manner in which the book is written (no fancy, unnecessary words) the result is a story which gets straight to the point, conjuring up graphic images in an instant. The details of the various crimes are explicit. Jack Jr. isn’t content merely to kill. He tortures, he rapes, he slices, he eviscerates, he leaves internal organs in plastic bags next to the body. It can make for uncomfortable but riveting reading.

I enjoyed this read so much that I immediately went on-line to check and see when McFadyen's next offering was coming out. Lucky me, I found out that "The Face of Death" just hit the shelves this month! I'll have to go out in search of it, because I just can't wait to see what mayhem hits Agent Barrett's life next!

I fully expect to see a movie based on "Shadow Man" to hit the big screen before long, it's that good. Wonder who they'd get to play the part of Agent Smoky Barrett?

FAMILY TRIP MEMORIES

Boy, this site brought back some great memories! For those of you who have an adventurous nature or who are wondering what to do this summer, check out the Roadside America website. It’s tagline reads "Guide to Uniquely Odd Tourist Attractions" and it's full of wonderful, kitschy & strange places and items from all over the USA. You can search by state or type of attraction and there's sure to be something for everyone.

I just spent hours surfing through it's pages and haven't seen everything yet. The site includes comments from folks who have "been there, done that", tips about what to skip or if a site is handicapped accessible and accommodations nearby in case you want to make an extended road trip. There are home videos or pictures of lots of the attractions and maps with instructions on how to reach anything that you might want to see.

I miss the days when Mom, Dad and the kids would load up in the family car and go see the sights. One of my fondest memories is Dad loading up Mom and all 5 of us girls (can't remember how old I was but it was young) and taking us south to see the Lightning Portrait of Henry Wells in Carrollton (Dad ran up on it while in South 'Bama on a deer hunting trip and just had to show it to us!).

The story goes that as Wells peered out the garret window, a bolt of lightning struck nearby and permanently etched his terrified expression into the window pane and I swear we all saw the face! (OK, Donna and Tina, y'all back me up here!)

We stood on the lawn in front of that old courthouse forever; gaping up at the window in question, competing to see who could make out the most detail and arguing over if it was real or a fake.

I can still picture it in my mind; all of us kids peering up and shading our eyes with our hands, fussing among ourselves while Mom tried to make us behave. Dad (young, handsome, and still fit & trim at that time) just stood there laughing at his brood of women, proud of himself for coming up with something so unique; all the way down there we were accusing him of pulling our collective legs. Ghostly faces in windows, just how gullible did he think we were!

Dang these memories make me miss my parents more than ever. I only hope I'm helping the Grandmonster to create memories like this so that when I'm gone he'll look back and think of me with a smile, maybe even telling his kids a few stories of the wonderful things that he and his Nana did together.

Check out the site, it's a hoot and you just might find something local that will spike the desire to load up your family & friends and do a little traveling yourself! Then fill up the tank before going out on the road and make a few memories of your own.......

MEME

I found this while surfing blogs, don't remember where. Type in the day and month of your birthday in Wikipedia and then list 3 events that happened on that day, 2 other birthdays on that day and 1 death. Let's see now, November 16th.......

3 EVENTS:
*1384 - Jadwiga is crowned King of Poland, although she is a woman.
*1945 - Cold War: The United States Army secretly admits 88 German scientists & engineers to help in the production of rocket technology. (And thus build Redstone Arsenal in Huntsville, Alabama aka The Alabama Space & Rocket Center {Space Camp site}. Who was Dr. Von Braun anyone?)
*1989 - Devastating tornado strikes Huntsville, Alabama. (This is just a few miles from where I live!)

2 BIRTHDAYS:
*1873 - W. C. Handy, American composer (d. 1958) (a local boy, dang lots of this stuff is from my area of the woods!)
*1907 - Burgess Meredith, American actor (d. 1997)

1 DEATH:
*1960 - Clark Gable, American actor (b. 1901)

I'm not gonna tag anyone, but y'all are welcome to play along if you want.

MY PALOOZA HEAD

Turn your speakers down if you don't want to hear the music! Or else hit the pause button at the bottom of the video, because the song "Jane Fonda" just seemed so fitting for a work-out palooza. I found this and couldn't resist, ain't it cute? Dang if that don't look just like me trying to stay on a treadmill. Do you reckon I could count this as exercise?


Create Your Own PaloozaHead - Visit Lollapalooza.com

SNOT & CARNIVORES

Y’all forgive me, I know I haven’t been around in almost a week but I swear I have one hum-dinger of an excuse besides for the obvious one of Sweet Thang being in rehab (he came home, well actually to his Mom’s house, today! 3 WEEKS IN THE HOSPITAL AND REHAB AND 6 MORE WEEKS UNTIL HE CAN TRY TO LEARN TO WALK AGAIN. ). I’ve been suffering, and I do mean really truly suffering, from one hell of a summer cold. Stop right here if you’re faint of heart or weak of stomach.

Wednesday a week ago I got this annoying tickle in the back of my throat and started having uncontrollable sneezing fits. "Aha", I thought, "my allergies are kicking up". Thursday night I started running a fever and semi-drowning in a flood of snot that insisted on oozing from the old snoz. "Dang, maybe it’s not allergies after all!"

By Friday I was simultaneously coughing up a lung, blowing snot bubbles and fighting the runs at both ends; "Hey, I may really be sick!" There’s nothing like sitting on the toilet, garbage can conveniently centered between your feet within easy upchucking distance, with nobody but the cats to listen to you moan and groan. Heck, did you know that when you have the crud very time you cough the muscle contractions in your body will force a stream of liquid poop out your butt while snot dribbles down your upper lip and you wind up scrubbing both ends with reams of toilet tissue?

Not to worry though, I’m almost fully recovered after over a week of being sick, a sack full of OTC meds and a truck load of tissue. I still have a lingering cough, stuffy snotty sinuses, my nose looks like it belongs on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and both it and my bunghole are tender as hell; but the fever is gone and food stays down so I think I may live although there for a while I had my doubts.

It got so bad that I started having flashbacks (maybe it was a fever dream?) to all those news stories and horror movies about people kicking the bucket while home alone and their pet pussies munching on the corpse, eating the deceased owner’s face off before anyone found the body. I tried having a long talk with Rufus and Shitty Kitty about love and respect; how Junebugg ala tartar probably wasn't very tasty (and would most likely give them indigestion) and that it just wouldn’t be proper to strip the admittedly plump flesh from my tired old bones; but the feline duo kept looking at me with twin evil gleams in their little slitty-kitty eyes and licking their chops (I swear they even drooled a little!) so I kept the food bowl overflowing, you know, just in case.

The worst thing is I haven’t gotten to see Sweet Thang in over a week because I’m afraid he’d bust a stitch coughing if he caught the crud from me (plus I'd feel really guilty if I gave this deadly virus to anyone, especially him!). We’ve played phone tag every night and I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’m almost over being contagious. I’m working nights this weekend and hoping I’ll be totally well by Monday; I’m in bad need of a little sugar and I know he’s ready for some TLC that doesn’t involve a nurse or his Mom.

WHY, OH WHY.......

*Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
*Why do banks charge a fee on " insufficient funds " when they know there is not enough money?
*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
*Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
*Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
*Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
*Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
*Whose idea was it to put an " S " in the word " lisp "?
*If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
*Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
*Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
*Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
*Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
*Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
*How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
*When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, " It's all right? "
*Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, " That hurt, you idiot? "
*Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
*In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
*How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

***And my FAVOURITE......The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

NUTS AND BOLTS

There’s nothing more heart wrenching than watching a big strong self-confident hunk of man-flesh reduced to being dependant on others.

Saturday Sweet Thang got out of his hospital bed for the first time in 9 days. He’s had lots of complications from the surgery and being on a morphine pump for days (his bowels shut completely down, I know--TooMuchInfo) and as a result he had to spend the whole time eating nothing but jello and chicken broth. So when a physical therapist, a nurse and me tried to help this #350 man stand up on his one good leg he was so weak that a cold sweat instantly popped out on his forehead and he trembled like a wobble-legged new-born colt. The fact that he can’t move his left leg or bend his left knee didn’t help a whole hell of a lot; he’s hanging onto the bed handrail and trying to drag himself over to the edge of the mattress while one of us attempts to lift his left leg and slide it over at the same rate the rest of his body is moving without making him scream in agony. He’s in constant pain and still has staples both front and back (from hipbone to hipbone and starting at his side and running around his backside) not counting all the hardware permanently embedded in his pelvis.

We finally get Sweet Thang in a wheelchair and then the therapist states “You’re a big strong fellow, when you get ready to get back in bed just go for it, I’m not coming back” and then he left! I was shocked and just a little pissed off by his attitude, but we managed to get it done so I guess those therapists have to be mean in order to make patients who are in pain do things themselves regardless of how much torture they endure while getting better. The nurse and I helped Sweet Thang out of bed by ourselves Sunday, so either he’s getting better at being an invalid or I’m learning how to help him do for himself, maybe a little of both.

I washed his hair and gave him a sponge bath; sounds kinky but don’t get your (or my) hopes up because there won’t be any hanky-panky for a good long while and it ain’t just because of his broken hip....... {GUYS, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS PART!}....... When Sweet Thang got thrown up on the gas tank of his Harley, it crushed his cojones! His scrotum is swollen so big that it won’t fit between his thighs and it’s a deep dark purple. Not just a little bruised but a solid, almost blue-black, purple. I swear to God his nut sac looks like a huge grape and it’s so enlarged that the nurse told me to prop it up on a folded towel so that some of the fluid can drain away. Of course all this makes it even more painful for Sweet Thang to struggle from the bed to the wheelchair and back.

Monday they moved Sweet Thang from the hospital to the rehab facility but he can only learn how to maneuver himself from bed to chair and back for now, he can’t do any actual rehab work until his bones reknit. He called and described how much better it was to be able to roll himself up and down the halls, but it didn’t take very long to wear the poor baby out and he was talking about a nap just as soon as he hung the phone up. Today will be his first day of actually working with the new therapist and I'm afraid he's gonna hurt more than he likes (not to say he's into pain but... Oh Hell, you know what I mean). They say he can go home, actually his parents’ home, on Friday and while I know he’ll be glad to get out of the hospital I’m afraid that he’ll go stir crazy before it’s over with. Hopefully he’ll be able to handle the bed to wheelchair transfers himself because I know it’ll be rough on his Dad to help, plus his Dad works part time and there’s no way his Mom can do much to help as she’s still recovering from colon surgery.

Sorry I haven’t posted much, but all my spare time has been spent at the hospital and I just haven’t had the opportunity or the energy to do much blogging. I’m ashamed that I haven’t visited all of my blog buddies and the few kind strangers who have commented and offered moral support for both myself and Sweet Thang. Please know that I love y’all and I appreciate what wonderful people the ‘net has brought into my life.