Sunday, August 12, 2007


Elliott Funeral Home
Peace-of-mind from knowing “it’s all been taken care of.”
15215 Court Street*Moulton, AL 35650

Dear Junebugg,
You’d be surprised. Funeral pre-planning (yes, funeral pre-planning) actually can be interesting and quite pleasant. Within a friendly and comfortable setting, you’ll discover the one memorial style most right for you-the one memorial style most right for celebration your life.

WTF! At the admittedly advanced age of 51 I realize that I’m no spring chicken, any delusions of youth I still harbored in my pea sized brain were squashed after the first dozen or so mailings from AAARP and then I find this invitation to plan my own going away party in the mailbox. I do not, and let me repeat this loud and clear so there can be no misunderstanding, DO NOT have any intention of starring at my own funeral any time soon.

How can anyone possibly think planning for your own demise would in any way possibly be “quite pleasant”? Myself, I prefer to pretend that I’ll live forever because I subscribe to the philosophy that “Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "...holy shit..., what a ride!” I’ll celebrate my life while I’m still living, thank you very much. Maybe I’m wrong but I think I’d enjoy the party much more if I’m still breathing while it’s going on.

Besides, I’ll be deceased, departed, gone. Why would I care if my casket is pine or mahogany, bronze or brass? Heck, stick me in a cardboard box for all I’ll mind because I’ll be dead, people. Sing any hymens you want, talk bad about me, tell any embarrassing stories that you can think of and maybe even make up a few extra because, not to repeat myself but, I’ll be dead.

I’d rather spend my money on new shoes, a day at the spa, a few hang gliding lessons and a 6 month cruise around the world. I’ve spent my whole life taking care of other people; the least they can do is plan my funeral for me when I’m gone.


texlahoma said...

A funeral home in Ok got busted for selling drugs and transporting drugs in their hearses. Even worse, they stole all the money that people pre-paid for funeral arrangements.
So it seems like it's better to wait anyway.

ell said...

This made me laugh so hard, I started coughing.

I've told my family I want to be cremated and the ashes strewn at my favourite vacation spot.

After that, they can party on through the night for all I care because, as you said, I'll be dead!

Rainwolf said...

Amen sister.