BUTTON, BUTTON, GET YOUR BUTTON

I've been playing at a new (well new to me anyway) site called Cool Text where you can do stuff like this, and this
or really cut loose and do something like flaming letters or flashies. You can even download new founts and backgrounds for your website. ALL FOR FREE as long as you download them instead of linking direct. Go and check it out! Quote from site:

Cool Text is an online graphics generator for web pages and anywhere else you might need an impressive logo without a lot of work. We provide real-time generation of graphics customized exactly the way you want them. Simply choose what kind of image you would like to create. Then fill out a form and you'll have your own image created on the fly. Cool Text will always be available for use free of charge.

THEY LIKE ME!!

Dang, I must be living right or something! I recently got mentioned at both Kill The Goat and Lollygagging!! Then I got to checking my Technorati links and see that a few days ago The Body Electric mentioned my name.

I feel like the school geek who the cool kids actually acknowledged. I'm so proud (blush).

BUT!!! Does this mean that I gotta start posting good stuff all the time? I'm not sure I can live up to these fine women's standards! I'm going to chew on a pencil and try to think of something interesting to blog about.

Meanwhile, y'all go and read some of the three ladies scribblings. Each is different in age, location, outlook, and blogging interests/styles. I highly recommend them all.

PLEASURES

The other day a friend and I made a foray to Pleasures (the local adult store) to check and see if something new and, ah, titillating had come in. You know how it is. After a while the new wears off all your toys, no matter how full your toy box is. The thrill is gone (or at least diminished). Nothing perks up a relationship (human or autoerotic) like the anticipation of a new plaything, the allure of uncharted waters, the excitement of climbing unscaled peaks.

Well you get the general idea. Damn it, I wanted a new vibrator and some silky undies and maybe something in leather and studs. Metal Studs, they don’t sell the flesh and blood kinda stud; although they would make lots more money is they did!

Anyway, we walk in and immediately start to discuss the pros and cons of different models. We’re both nearing 50 and have no small amount of experience in the toy department. And neither one of us embarrasses easily. In other words, we weren’t whispering. We were getting into details of what went where, if we preferred twirling, twisting, smooth, ridged, little pearls mounted inside the shaft, size preferences, etc. etc. etc.

About 10 minutes into our conversation, 3 black ladies came around the end of the aisle and asked us for help. They ranged in age from late 20s to late 30s and wonder of wonders it was their maiden voyage into the wide wonderful world of sex toys! I find it hard to believe a woman can reach 30 and not experiment with mechanical means of orgasm.

I mean come-on people, this is 2005. True, Alabama has been fighting the VIBRATOR WARS for years, but so far Pleasures is still open for business. Women deserve their orgasms! And now-a-days most men are liberated enough and secure enough in their own masculinity that they aren’t intimidated by a little assistance in the bedroom. In fact, lots of them are turned on by the idea of using “Mother’s little helper” on their ladies and watching the fun.

The 3 ladies squealed and blushed and stammered but eventually they settled down to some serious shopping.  We answered all their questions and described how and where and a few variations not mentioned in the written instructions. Such as, “Get an electric one, the batteries don’t last very long”. Or, “If it’s waterproof, you can carry it into the tub for some good clean fun”. And, “Be sure not to pull the cord too hard or you’ll pull it out and kill your vibrator.” Plus, “If you put that one inside and this one on your clit, it’s great”.

After a few dropped items they actually held the various offering, felt the “realistic” skin, and touched the humming vibrators to their arms and tummies to see how the vibrations felt. The ladies even quit whispering, scattered out of their tight little huddle and scattered between the aisles.

Then they were shouting comments to each other all the way across the store. “Girl, where you at? Get your ass over here and look at what I got!” “Dang, that’s Long Dong whats-his name. Looka the size of that thang! ” “Come here and tell me what this is and where am I supposed to put it!”  

The best part was when they hit the B&D section.  Although they didn’t buy anything there, we heard full details of what they would like to do the men in their lives, if only they could get away with it. All this was stated with the cracking of whips and the experimental whop of a paddle. They tried handcuffs on each other and speculated on how drunk a man would have to be before he would submit to the idea of a woman doing a little bondage instead of being the submissive one. I do believe several of the ladies could have gotten into being a dominatrix if only they had a chance.

When they left, all 3 were loaded down with shopping bags and excitedly discussing what they were going to do when they got home. I’d place money that they were 3 very happy women that night!!!

UP A TREE

Rufus the cat escaped out the door and the dogs promptly ran him up a tree. Being an indoor cat, he couldn't figure out how to get back down on his own.

Of course the lowest limb was 12' or better off the ground and the only ladder I own is 6'! So there I am, on the top rung of the ladder, trying to coax him into climbing down low enough for me to rescue him. But he was too stupid to come down backwards. He'd start down head first, start sliding and jump back onto the unreachable limb.

I'm so glad no one was around! There I was, on top of the ladder, alternately trying to sweet talk the cat down and cursing the dogs who kept circling the ladder, almost knocking it (and me) over.

I know I looked like a schizophrenic woman babbling to a tree, because you had to be directly under it to see the cat! I can see it now, "Look at the crazy woman yelling at the tree! She can't decide whither to cuss it or kiss it. Quick! Call the guys in the white coats to come and get her before she comes after us!"

I stayed up there for at least 30 minutes before Chane came home and helped to rescue STUPID KITTY. We wound up sitting the ladder on top of a bench (Kids, don't try this at home!). Then I held the ladder while Chane did a balancing act on top of it. NOT SAFE!

Finally, Chane managed to grab Rufus, who immediately jumped safely to the ground. I sure wish he had done that to start with! The dogs jumped on him and we has to rescue him from them and take him into the house before he became dog dinner.

But nooo, he hasn't learned his lesson. He's sitting in the window right now, growling at squirrels and trying to slip outside every time the door opens. Next time I'm leaving him up the tree and he can come down and brave the dogs on his own!

The things we do for our pets and our kids!!

FUNNY

This is funny but not as funny as the guy to the left! Click on the link and move your curser over the picture for a few surpirses.

DONNA HAS A NEW ASS

OK folks. Go and see my sister Donna. She has a NEW ASS (I shit you not, hee-hee) and lots of stories about it.

Enough said, you gotta go and see for yourself! Tell her I sent you.

30 DEGREES IS COLD!

Old Man Winter has hit the South. I've shut the windows, lit the pilot light in the gas heater and put the heavy comforter on the bed. I've had to break out my heavy coat and gloves and add fresh cedar shavings to the dog's house. All my plants have shriveled up and when I go outside the wind sends shivers down my back. Jack Frost had even arrived when I got off of work at 6 AM this morning

This is the time of year to stay inside and snuggle up with a warm drink, some munchies, some fine jams on the stereo and a good book. So I present for your enjoyment, Time Magazine's 100 BEST ENGLISH NOVELS covering from 1923 to the present. This should give us a few months worth of reading ideas.

I'm an avid reader, and I was shocked at how many of these I've never heard of. Of course, I live in the backwoods of Alabama, so I have an excuse.

If you don't like the list, then try WHAT SHOULD I READ NEXT? You just type in the title and author of the last book you read and it gives you a few recommendations.

And last but not least I like checking out Curled Up, a book review site.
With all these helpful sites, I'm sure you'll find something that you can stand to read. Next time we'll discuss cocktail recipes!

IT'S NOT MY FAULT

Now I know what my problem is! I'm brain damaged from all the cigarettes that I've smoked over the past 20 years or so. It says so here and this is a quote:

Henningfield's studies have shown that in an addicted smoker, attention, memory, and reasoning ability start to decline measurably just four hours after the last cigarette. This reflects a real physiological impairment: a change in the electrical activity of the brain. Nine days after quitting, when some withdrawal symptoms, at least, have begun to ease, there has been no recovery in brain function.

How long does the impairment persist? No long-term studies have been done, but cravings and difficulties in cognitive function have been documented for as long as nine years in some ex-smokers. "There are clinical reports of people who have said that they still aren't functioning right, and eventually make the 'rational decision' to go back to smoking," Henningfield says.

.

See, it's not my fault! The article even goes so far as to claim that smoking is genetic. So can I blame my parents for making me a born-smoker? Naw, that's too easy. I'm just a hedonist. I like food and drink and smoking and sex and all those other things that make you feel all warm and fuzzy and good. What's the use of living if you can't enjoy life?

I've quit a dozen times and I'm trying to quit again but DAMN it's hard. Not to mention that I enjoy smoking. And sex which can kill you nowadays, too. Food, bad for you unless it's raw vegetables (well washed or you'll die from e coli). The Doctor is telling me no bread, no sugar, no pasta, no butter or red meat or ALCOHOL.

Moral support y'all. I need some back-up on this self deprivation thing. Remind me why living without all the feel-good stuff is worth it.

LAWYERS

I recieved this e-mail and just had to smile. One can only hope that it's true. We all know about those lawyers!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts
of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA

KEY WORD ACTIVITY

It's amazing to check on how people find your website. I just love looking at what key word searches lead poor souls here to my den of inequity! This time I found:

pagan holiday
listen to pms blues
listen to pms blues
listen to pms blues
sagging boobs
sagging boobs
senior sex
the annoying
thing
redheads have higher pain tolerance
senior sex
black movie star that died
senior sex
Senior sex
mean mule
senior sex
senior sex
senior sex
mean mule
a couple from Montana were out riding on the range
a couple from Montana were out riding on the range

Now granted, Dolly Pardon singing the "PMS Blues" is well worth listening to. And the mule story brought in lots of comments, including people talking hoax and Photo Shop (Hey people, I was just sharing an amusing e-mail).I can even understand an interest in saggy boobs (kinda sorta, that is).

But who is this that's so interested in "senior sex"? And am I the only one who has posted about it even if it was only a humorous quip, quote, bit of funny/but/true story that I ran up on while browsing the web?

Hell, I may have a 50th birthday coming up in a few weeks, but I ain't THAT dang old! Senior sex indeed! I'll have them know that I'm just now hitting my stride. I'm in my prime! I still have all my parts and they work just fine even if they are a little rounder and hang a mite lower that they used to.

It could be worse, they could have found me by typing in "adult diapers", "incontinence", or something like "dirty old female geezer".

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

MAD CAT

Rufus the cat is highly pissed at me right now. This ain't his pic, but it sure looks like him at this moment!

He has the habit of pulling his hair out (to the point of bald spots!) if he gets so much as one single flea on him. So you know that he slipped outside and picked up a few of the pesky critters!

I have to lock myself in the bathroom to spray him and it's a battle, let me tell you! I take my life in my hands every time I attempt to "deflea" that stupid cat!

Afterward, I left him in the bathroom to dry off so I don't have flea spray all over the furniture. Now he's bodyslamming the door and talking really loud. I don't speak cat, but I swear he's using vulgar language and calling me nasty names! I keep seeing his furry little arm snaking through the space under the door and reaching with claws extended judt hoping to draw blood! I swear it looks like something out of a horror movie.

I'm fixing to get brave enough to let him out. Let's hope he doesn't attack me and exact revenge for his "abuse"! Wish me luck.

LAZY SUNDAY

I've been a lazy but happy woman today. Sweet Thang and I work up early (6:30 AM !!) and couldn't go back to sleep. So we got up and made a pot of coffee and a potato frittata. Then we lay on the couch and watched Off The Map starring Sam Elliot, Joan Allen and Valentina de Angelis as Bo (the little girl whom the story is centered around).

I can't help it, Sam may be getting old but he still cranks my tractor!! It's that gravelly voice or something. I'll watch him in anything! Thank God his movies are usually good to very good to great. Remember Conagher (with it's love notes tied to a tumble weed), Road House, and Fatal Beauty?. Maybe I just have a thing for bad boys and cowboys, who knows?

Off The Map won:

OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2004 Palm Springs Film Festival, OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2003 Sundance Film festival,
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2003 Starz Denver Film Festival,
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2003 Chicago Film Festival,
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2004 Seattle Film Festival,
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Deep Focus Film Fest.

The movie is one of those sweet movies that has no action, but lots of emotion. The family is a bunch of misfits who live in the New Mexico desert with no phone, no electricity or plumbing and either hunt or make or find what they need in the dump. It involves the IRS, an artist, love, depression and a little girl's wish to live a normal life. Plus Sam in the nude! Plus some beautiful desert scenery.

After the movie, we went back to bed for some afternoon delight and a nap. Now that's what I call a Sunday!

ZOMBIE LOVE

With it being October and the month of Halloween and seeing as I've already started a trend with the Corn Maze post, I got to cruising the web for appropriate topics. Man, was I shocked at what was out there!

Savage Love, a "love life advise column" which appears in The Village Voice:

Q. I'm a pretty normal guy except for one thing: I'm sexually attracted to zombies. When I was a kid, I loved to watch horror films that featured them. Then as I became a teen, I started to masturbate watching zombie flicks. I fantasize about having sex with zombies while trying not to get bitten but eventually I end up getting devoured. I also fantasize about a woman gangbanged by a group of zombies who then rip her apart and eat her. Is this a form of necrophilia? Are there any other people out there with the same fetish? When I was about six, my best friend and I discovered the dead body of a drug addict in an abandoned house. Do you think that has something to do with my fetish?—CONCENTRATING ON ROTTING PEOPLE SEXUALLY EXCITING

I don't know about y'all, but this is a little too kinky even for me!!

In local happenings, there's "The Blood and Roses Vampire Rave" based on the Blade I opening rave scene at Shadows and Light starring PsiVamp ( who record on Deliquent Records owned by Nancy of Shadows and Light) and Maven of Dark Awakenings .You get a discount on the entrance fee if you wear your fangs and Dark Awakenings is taking orders for your custom made fangs as we speak!! Prices range from $75 to $150.


Hey, this is in Decatur and I actually know these people! Too bad I gotta work that night, I've never been to a Vampire Rave. Actually, I'm probably a little too old, but I'll be there in spirit if not in body. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, and I still dress up if at all possible. I may grow old, but I refuse to grow up!!
Seems as if there's going to be lots to do this month. I'll contine to hunt for strange and unusual tidbits and happening to share with my blogbuddies.

Happy Haunting Y'all. Go out and bite the one you love. If they complain, tell them I told you to.

CORNFIELD MAZE

Last night my date took me to my first cornfield maze and we had a blast! Here's a bird's eye view of it. It's like an outdoor haunted house but even better.

Neat, huh! It was 14 acres big and believe me, you'll do a lot of walking to make your way through. I was starting to think we'd be lost in there forever, it was totally dark (it doesn't open until dusk), the paths looped and twisted and doubled back until you got totally turned around. The corn was way too tall to see over and smoke machines created a fog that you had to feel your way through, but you could hear the screams of others echoing all around you.

There were guys with chainsaws and spooks galore. In fact, two of them followed me around until I threatened to take them home with me. They had houses set up across the paths filled with strobe lights that blinded you so you couldn't see what was going to grab you and you had to make your way through in order to get out. Even though you knew it was fake, you couldn't help but jump and scream when you got grabbed or ran face to face with a character from a horror movie.

We passed several corn mazes that were locally make, but this one was created by a company that specializes in them and does a fine job of it. I'm not sure how they manage, I guess they use GPS or something. Here's the web site for the company that makes the mazes. They do them all over the country. If you get a chance, I highly recommend that you go and get scared yourself!

'PUTER GRAFFITI

I've been playing with TypoGenerator and came up with the images below. Just be patient and keep clicking on the "try again" button until you come up with something you like. Sometimes I'd get a solid black or white screen, but kept clicking and eventually an image would appear. Kinda looks like 'Puter Graffiti, doesn't it? TypoGenerator was a student project by Katharina Nussbaumer, summer 2004, Hagenberg/Austria.

HOW CLOSE IS THAT TRUCK IN THE MIRROR?

When you think of multitasking you picture a businessman on the beach with his laptop and cell phone in use, or maybe a soccer mom in a minivan with kids in several activities at once. Those are safe multitasking acts. The guy who was behind me on the way to work was a wreck waiting to happen.

I was sitting in traffic, waiting at a red light when I heard the squeal of vigorously applied brakes behind me. I glanced into my rear view mirror and saw an older, jacked-up Toyota 4X4 with fading and peeling gray paint coming up behind me IN A HURRY.

The guy driving was smoking, talking on his cell phone, downshifting a straight shift and driving all at the same time. He didn't appear to be
worried about anything but he sure scared the crap out of me.

There I was, trapped with nowhere to go and this idiot who's trying to do a dozen things at once is barreling up behind me. The reason I got a good look at the truck and it's crazed occupant is because all I could do was stare at him in the mirror and pray. I felt like I imagine a rat who was hypnotized by a snake and was waiting for the death stroke would feel. Totally and completely helpless.

He stopped a hair from my bumper ( I know this because my car is low and I could see HIS bumper in my back window) and acted like nothing was wrong. I hate people like that! He never stopped talking and sat flicking his cigarette ashes out the window until the light changed. Needless to say I got in another lane and out of his line of fire.

All that and my washing machine died today. How was your day?

~GOOGLE SEARCH TIP~

This little gem came straight from Mary Godwin at Body Electric who describes herself as "a Woman of Age and Adventure tackling graduate studies at Purdue University". Thanks for the tip, Mary

“Tilda” is that wavy line (~) found in the neighborhood of the top-left of your keyboard and accessed with the shift-key held down. Yep, there it is! Well, Tilda is doing nifty things in a Google search to get more results out of a word than Google would return without it. Use “tilda” directly before a search word, and Google will return results for the word synonyms of the word as well – in this way searching something closer to concepts rather than specific/exact word. (For example, searcing ~pen returns pencils, graphite, and sketch.)

I never did know what that wavy thingy was called and I had no idea it was good for anything. This'll save a lot of time doing searches. Man, I learn something every day! Thank goodness I have such bright blogbuddies.

SHEELA-NA-GIG

I've become obsessed with Sheela-Na-Gigs!!! I ran across an article about them, started doing a few Google searches and now I can't quit! I love a good mystery, I've dreamed of being an archeologist since I was a child, and theology intrigues me so this is right up my alley. These figures are fascinating not just because of the subject matter, but especially because of their locations and the question of just what the heck do they represent?

"Sheelahs" or "Sheela-na-gigs" are stone carvings of that always show an old woman (sometimes described as a hag or crone), often with her legs open and exposing her gaping vagina and are always on ancient Christian churches and abbeys (for some reason most commonly found on the South wall ) located in Ireland, Wales, England and throughout the British Isles.

To quote from Tara's Sheela Na Gig Website (go visit, she's got loads of info and great pictures),

"Sheela-na-gigs are female exhibitionist carvings found on walls, abbeys, convents, churches, pillars and other structures in Ireland, England, Scotland and Wales, as well as in other parts of Europe. They come in many different shapes and sizes, but all share the same characteristic of a prominent and often enlarged genitals, often held open by the figure's hands. Most date from the middle ages."

The Sheela Na Gig Project website goes into even more detail. It's attempting to gather and print information about Sheela Na Gigs in the UK claiming that they are often overlooked. They describe a Sheila Na Gig as

"Sheela Na Gigs are quasi-erotic stone carvings of a female figure usually found on Norman churches. They consist of an old woman squatting and pulling apart her vulva, a fairly strange thing to find on a church."

In Ireland, the day following St Patrick's Day is dedicated to Sheelah-Na-Gig, Goddess of Fertility. Some say she was Patrick's wife (but the Catholic Church would surely not allow this), some say his mother.
Sheelah is an old Irish term for a slovenly or muddling woman, particularly an old one. In Australia, with its very Irish background, the term "sheila" is still common (though culturally self-conscious, ie, rarely used these days except jocularly and somewhat mockingly of old Aussie manners) slang for "woman". Perhaps the day after St Patrick's obtained the name without any reference to the calendar of saints.

Maybe one day I'll go overseas and do a "Sheela Na Gig" tour. I'd love to but it would take a lot of time and no small amount of money. The number of "Sheelas" is growing every day with more and more being found. Ireland's Síle na Gigh.org site looks like a good one to base the first leg of the tour on. Ah,one of these days!!

Do a little research of your own. See what you think.