STOLEN FROM THE INTERNET

He Bought An Electric Fence To Prevent Burglaries. Then This Happened.

OVERHEARD AT WORK

When I was young we were so poor that the only heat in the  house was the fireplace, so in the winter we would all sleep on pallets on the floor in the living room. The house was so old that the wind would blow through cracks in the floor & ruffle the quilts we were lying on. One morning when I woke up I found lots of little "glass" balls lying around on the floor. I gathered them all up and lined them up on the fireplace hearth trying to figure out what they were while warming up.

Suddenly they started to melt,  POP POP POP, and an awful stink filled the room.

THEY WERE FROZEN FARTS!

WHITE TRASH CHRISTMAS

You gotta watch this video. It's one of my all time favorite Christmas parodies. Warning: not for kids

MORE MAXINE

OLD AGE

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...

TEE HEE GIGGLE {{{SNORT}}}

SPECIAL REQUEST-WHITE TRASH CHRISTMAS

I found this video several years ago and when I posted the link it was a big hit. Everyone has asked me to to post the link again this year, so here it is. The video fairly long but sooo worth the wait! If you've got dial-up you might not be able to hear it, sorry.

You'll be singing the "White Trash Christmas" song yourself after watching this. And everytime you watch it you'll see some little detail that you missed the first time {watch for the hound that humps everything}. Please give it time to load and I promise you'll laugh yourself silly.

So without farther ado, I give you:

WHITE TRASH CHRISTMAS

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Happy Thanksgiving Animations provided by MySpaceGraphicsandAnimations.net

Graphics provided by MySpaceAnimations.com

Funny Turkey Cartoon hosted at MySpaceGraphicsandAnimations.org

Funny Turkey Animations provided by MUDTRAP.COM

Happy Thanksgiving Animations provided by MySpaceGraphicsandAnimations.net

Myspace Thanksgiving Animations provided by MUDTRAP.COM

'PUTER VIRUS

Be careful! When you see this on your monitor:

You know it's been infected with another crappy virus!

MEN ARE LIKE.......

For all those men who say "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free", here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage. WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.


Men are like....
1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots .......... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

FISHING STORY

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."

But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

(Got this from my cousin Danny C.)

JELLYFISH BAD DAY

I have to thank my buddy Carol for this one, I almost choked on my Diet Dew reading it.

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work , think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft.Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I Would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

REINDEER POOP

Woke up in the dark this morning. I know, you always wake up in the dark when the alarm goes off at 3:30 AM; but this morning it stayed dark. Yep, the power was out; thank goodness for gas heat and battery-back-up alarm clocks.

After stumbling around with a candle, trying to find clean clothes and not trip over the stupid cats rubbing against my ankles, I started driving to work and almost hit a kamikaze deer (I swear I heard her holler "Banzai" as she leaped right in front of the car!).

It's gonna be one of those days! To try and get us all in the Christmas spirit, I'll leave you with this:

Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice, so what does he leave for naughty little girls and boys? Reindeer Poop! To make this silly stocking stuffer, place a handful of malted milk balls in a zipper food storage bag. Seal and label with the following poem:

I woke up with such a scare when I heard Santa call...
"Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"
I ran to the lawn, and in the snowy white drifts,
Those nasty reindeer had left "little gifts".
I got an old shovel and started to scoop
Neat little piles of "reindeer poop."
But to throw them away seemed such a waste,
So I saved them, thinking you might like a taste!
As I finished my task, which took quite a while,
Old Santa passed by and he sheepishly smiled.
And I heard him exclaim as he rose to the sky,
"Well, they're not potty trained, but at least they can fly!"

KITTY HEAVEN

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats,dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

REDHEADED WOODPECKER

I don't know much about Redheaded Woodpeckers, so I don't have a clue as to what part of the country this picture of a GIANT Woodpecker was taken.

But, as far as Redheaded Woodpeckers go, it's got to be the biggest on record!