THIS JUST MIGHT WORK..........

Installing a wireless security system in four easy steps:

1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed."

HOWDY Y'ALL

You know those jugglers that you see on TV, all those balls in the air and the guy/gal struggling to keep all of them afloat without dropping one? That's been me lately, only all my balls are slamming me in the forehead before bouncing on the floor.

Nothing worth blogging about has happened lately, just the general bullshit that happens to us all. You know what I mean; work, family and life in general. Just wanted y'all to know that I haven't been ignoring my blog buddies. I promise to do better.

STAR-CROSSED

How's this for a shitty horror-scope!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

scorpio

Vicki,
Be prepared to do battle with that one true nemesis: your ego. Find a solution in a manner that harms nobody. This is a puzzle that could last until the afternoon, when an embarrassing episode will resolve any belief you had in your perfection.

The story of my life, I'm my own worst enemy.

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT GET 'YA

Word to the wise~~~pay attention when getting dressed! One of my coworkers is in the hospital, with an IV in his arm and sick as a dog, after getting bit on the ankle by a spider that was lurking in the dark recesses of one of his shoes. Clayton didn't even know he was bit until later when the fever and dizziness hit.

We only have two poisonous spiders in the USA (the link also gives symptoms and treatments) but even so, there are plenty of them! I've been bitten and it ain't no fun! Be careful folks, this reminds me on those horror movies we watched as kids.

Shit! Now I'm gonna have nightmares about giant spiders and turning into the Spiderwoman or getting stuck in a giant web or some such. I'll take Rufus the cat to bed with me, he loves to eat bugs and spiders.......

TIRED

Today at work was all assholes and elbows. I've got a headache, my stomach is in a knot, and all I wanta do is sleep. I'm grabbing a beer, going for a long soak in the tub and then to bed.

'Nite Y'all.

ARE YOU LONELY TONIGHT?

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty."
Mother Teresa
Loneliness is a very powerful emotion. It can lead to depression, illness, even suicide. Do you feel unfulfilled? Don't despair, I have the answer for you! You need a dog!

Just hear me out now! Dogs are the perfect answer to loneliness. You can drag in as late as you want, forget to feed them, step on their tail or pet other dogs and the wonderful mutt will still love you. See, unconditional love! Plus they'll get out and walk with you and protect you from unsavory characters in the dark of the night! How many significant-others can you say that about?

I can help you out. I just happen to have 10 little bundles of joy that will need a home in 5 or 6 weeks. The proud mother is a black lab/bulldog mix and the father is some handsome stranger who slipped in and had his way with the shameless hussy when I wasn’t looking.

I can't tell you much about the babies, other than some are black and others are brown. They're hidden under the deck in a space that's only 2 foot high; when I lie on my belly and peer under there with a flashlight all I can see is a quivering mound of puppy flesh. I don't think my fat ass will fit feel like crawling under there and I’m not taking a chance on getting spider-bit just to count puppies that'll come out on their own in a few weeks anyway.


Sooooo............. how many of y'all can I sign up to adopt one of these wonderful little doggy delights?

What Mythological Creature are you?

Damn, no wonder I have to shave my legs so often!!!!

You scored as WereWolf. WereWolf: Craving rare Meat, feeling caged, aggitated by being around people. Unable to control one's anger or temper. The person will give off symptoms of the shift. They will seem more hostile, blood thirsty, aggitated. They may even growl, bare their teeth or other animal like tendencies. In rare cases, some will physically change. Facial hair will grow thicker or darker, nails will become longer, canine's will seem longer. Embrace your wild side, for you are The Misunderstood WereWolf. Mermaid 67% Dragon 67% Angel 67% WereWolf 67% Demon 59% Faerie 58% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

I GOTTA STOP DOING THIS AT WORK

JackieSue sent me an email containing quotes from I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman by Nora Ephron (who also wrote When Harry Met Sally and Heartburn). They were funny as hell and damn if they weren't all true! Getting older is a bitch and it's nice to see that I'm not alone on this roller coaster.

So being the Bibliophile that I am, I went to Amazon.com to check out the reviews and decide if I might want to buy the book. First thing that happened, this line from Publishers Weekly made me choke on my coffee. Now all the guys here are work are wondering why I've got coffee stains all over my boobs and I'm sitting here at the 'puter giggling like a crazy woman.


"There it is, the steady spiraling down of everything: body and mind, breasts and balls, dragging one's self-respect behind them"

Damn, wish I had written that!

BOOK MEME

Patty over at This, That and Frog Hair has tagged me with what is possibly the hardest meme that I've ever attempted. I've had a life-long love affair with reading and have a wide range of taste in books. It's impossible to limit my selections to just one book, but I'm gonna give it a shot.

One book that changed your life: Too many to name, I refuse to pick just one. Most people say the Bible and it's on my list. But while I believe in a Higher Power, I personally feel that the modern Church is misogynistic.

One book that you've read more than once: The Best of James Herriot: The Complete Edition Updated and Expanded.
Absolutely one of the best books I've ever had the pleasure to read. All the stories are true, the pictures are breath taking and the recipes and trivia included on the page margins are wonderful. English country vet in the time before modern antibiotics. These stories will make you laugh and cry by turns, plus the book can be read story by story or in one big gulp. I highly recommend it.

One book that you would want on a desert island: I realize that it's not one book, but I'd have to say the 11 book Foxfire Series (a wonderful collection of traditional folk culture of the Southern Appalachians gathered by teenagers from their elders). My Grandmother Waters introduced me to them when I was a teenager and I was instantly hooked. These books teach you how to do everything from make soap to tan hides to what plants are eatable. With these on my desert island I'd be a regular female Robinson Crusoe!

One book that made you laugh: Gosh, there's quite a few! James Herriot, as I mentioned above. Anything by David Sedaris, heck I've gone brain dead and can't think of any more right now.

One book that made you cry: Old Yeller. I'm a sucker for animals, what can I say! This book (or the movie) still gets to me every time.

One book you wish had been written: Aztec by Gary Jennings. If you haven't read it, do so. You won't be sorry. But don't waste your time with the second book.

One book you wish had never been written: Almost any of the trashy romance novels (the junk food of books) I've read. They waste your time and don't leave anything to savor like a good book does.

One book you are currently reading: Punish the Sinners by John Saul and Middlesex: A Novel by Jeffrey Eugenides . I often have 2 books going at one time.

One book you have been meaning to read: A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. Kimmy from I Wasn't Always Like This recommended it and if she likes it then it's gotta be good.

I'm not tagging anyone, but y'all are welcome to play along is you feel so inclined.

PS: Y'all go visit my little sister Donna. She's on a rant about someone calling all us Southerners ignorant! JackieSue, I promised Donna I'd get you to bip them fools upside the head and teach 'em some manners.

ULTERIOR MOTIVES?

2:00 the phone rings. "Get ready and wear something nice. We've got reservations for a swanky restaurant at 7:30. I'll be there to pick you up at 5:00."

Something nice? Where are we going and just exactly how nice is nice? Don't men know that we females need a little advance notice to get all slicked up? Hey, beauty takes time and work, that shit don't just happen all by itself! I need a manicure and pedicure, my legs are fish-belly white, my hair is a mess and it's been so long since I've truly dressed up that I don't even know what I have that will fit!

I run through the shower, slather on self tanner, and start frantically going through the closet. Time after time I yank out something and try to squeeze my fat ass into an outfit that was fine a year ago. Fabric groaned, seams split, zippers separated, and buttons popped. The pile of discarded clothing grows higher and higher as I fling dresses and blouses right and left. At last, I settle on a pants suit that I can zip up without laying down and that doesn't gap or bulge at my more-than-ample boobs. My hair's still dripping wet and I'm slapping on war paint when Sweet Thang knocks on the door.

I'm shocked when we wind up at Cafe 113, one of the most exclusive eateries in Decatur. You don't get in the door without a reservation and I wonder what the hell up. I haven't seen Sweet Thang in weeks (other than playing phone tag) because we've both been working long hours. Plus in all the years we've been seeing each other off and on, he's hardly ever taken me out (he claims that my cooking is better than any restaurant) and certainly never somewhere like Cafe 113. The most I usually get is a movie once in a blue moon.

All night long he keeps telling me how good I look, how much he's missed me and generally acting like someone on a first date. I may be suspicious natured (OK, I already know I have trust issues) but now I'm wondering what the hell is up. Has he done something bad and he's sneakily buttering me up so I'll forgive him when the truth comes out (this has happened before)? Maybe he's planning on messing up and is trying to stack the deck in his favor?

I never did find out what was up. After our meal (which was excellent BTW) we came back to my house and he dozed off on the couch. I sat there in all my finery and painted glory, watching him snore and thinking "I got all dolled up for this?"

I'll never figure men out.

"The Real Man Test"

Note: All "real men" will always answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, we women will go far in understanding men, knowing what to expect from our very own male companions, and enriching our own lives if we carefully review the "C" answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

CHILDHOOD FRIEND

First, I want y'all to know that I've been fightin' & fussin' with Blogger every since I got home last night and I just now got the stupid thing to post pictures. I've used all the cuss words that I've ever known (and I know quite a few), kicked furniture and screamed out of sheer frustration! If I coulda gotten my hands on the folks who are supposed to keep that shit running, I'd have gladly choked them until their faces turned blue and their eyes bugged out.

{{{{{deep calming breath}}}}

Those of you who have been around for a while have heard me talking about our childhood posse. For you new folks, we had a neighborhood gang of anywhere from 10 to 20 kids (depending on the day of the week, who was grounded and who was visiting at the time). Between us we had enough horses to mount everyone (get your dad-gum minds out of the gutter! I'm talking about riding in a saddle on horse-back not one of y'alls kinky barn-yard fantasies). Our spare time was used to terrorize the community. Cutting fences, riding to the local bootlegger to score alcohol, you name it and we tried it. But like everyone else, we all lost touch as we grew up and left home. Last night I ran up on one of those friends who I haven't seen in 15 or 20 years.

Sweet Thang and I went to Decatur to catch the free Monday night Paul Stroud's Concert By The River. They have a different band each week, everything from High School bands to Bluegrass, you never know what or who might be there. The band for last night was Jeff Whitlow and the Old Barn Band. Imagine my surprise when I looked up and found that one of the band members was a blast from my past!

The first time I laid eyes on Porter Dutton, Jr. I was 13 years old and we had moved into his neighborhood. He lived just a few miles down the road and was one of the first kids that I met. He and his shetland pony, Tonka, were founding members of our little posse, and my horse, Thunder and I were only too happy to join in. Here's the two of us. Notice the sheen of sweat and the greasy hair, not my best look. The heat index was 102 degrees, even with the breeze off the river it was sweltering. I was just tickled to find a place in the shade to park my chair!

I have to admit that Porter ain't too shabby as a musician! He plays guitar and sings BOTH. I don't remember him being musically inclined and I was shocked that he was playing in a country band, but he informed me right quick that he was in TWO bands, the other one was rock and roll. I knew that an Old Rocker like Porter couldn't have gone totally redneck! When Jeff Whitlow would take a break, Porter and a few of the other band members would play songs like "Working Man's Blues" and "Gimme That Old Time Rock & Roll". Nothing hard core, wouldn't want the crowd to get too unhappy with non-country songs.

Dueling Guitars! Here's Porter with Wayne Reburn. Wayne is one of the best guitar players I've seen in a while, and they tell me he plays with a local band called Natchez Trace. He and Porter put on quite a show!


Although I'm more of a rock & roll and/or blues fan, I have to admit I did my share of toe tapping, clapping and head bobbing. Half the crowd was up line-dancing and two-stepping all over the park. There was an elderly lady in a Minnie Pearl hat (complete with price tag) that was buck-dancing up a storm (sure wish I had gotten some pictures of her!)


This doesn't really show you how big the crowd was but you get the idea. The parking lot was full and people were having to park blocks away, lugging their lawn chairs and picnic lunches in the heat to watch the concert. But nobody complained, the show was worth the effort.

Well, that's it for my one day break, I'm back at work on midnight shift but I did get a standing invitation from Porter to come and watch his rock & roll band practice at his house. Sure hope his wife doesn't meet me at the door with a gun!

SPEEDO CRIMES

Harrison Ford with "Who's too old!"

Peter Stringfellow gets cheeky (do you think he gets a bikini wax before slipping into those thongs?)

Oh, Rod Stewart! And you claimed Maggie May was showing her age!!!!

ARMED ASSHAT ATTACKS

This chaps my ass! Our enemies don't have to invade us. Hell we're shooting each other.

Six shot, one killed at Seattle Jewish center

Haq got past security at the building and shouted, "I'm a Muslim American; I'm angry at Israel," before he began shooting.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, about as much as me shooting you because my cable guy didn't show up. If you're mad at them, go to their country and shoot them. Regardless of each person's ethnic background all these people, shooter and victims alike, are US citizens.

Don't pull that "foreigner" crap on me either. I've got German, Irish, English and Cherokee blood that I know of. Does that mean that I should shout "Heil Hitler" while taking scalps and then dance an Irish jig whenever someone pisses me off?

God, I had idiots and bullies! This asshat combines the worst of the two, shooting a bunch of unarmed women (one of whom is pregnant) makes him a real he-man doesn't it?

Make your mind up. Are you an American or not? If you want to be from somewhere else then pack your shit and go where ever that is and leave the rest of us alone.

LAZY DAYS

I've been a Lazy Bug! I had the last couple of days off and I swear I didn't do anything except lay under the A/C, curled up with Rufus the cat and read (me, not Rufus. He doesn't care much for reading, although he is extremely fond of cuddling). Didn't get on the net, didn't do housework, didn't see friends or family. I didn't leave the house except to go to the grocery store! Nothing, nada but chill and stay in my own little world. It's been too hot to get outside and do anything exciting, so I've lived it up in my dreams and imagination.

Luckily I have lots of reading material. Bookshelves overflowing, books piled on every flat surface and then a few even stacked on the floor! It looks as if I have my own personal library. I buy them both new and used plus I have friends who give me the ones that they've finished. I pass most of the paperbacks on, but the majority of hard covers stay. I read everything; Si/Fi, horror, mystery, history, theology; even romance (the junk food of books) makes it's way onto my reading list once in a while. What I want to read all depends on my mood, just like the music I listen to.

Now it's back to work. Maybe something exciting will happen to post about but don't hold your breath. My life seems to be in a boring stage right now.

SWEETS FOR THE SWEET

When I was a kid I loved those orange push-ups. Now I've found a wonderful low calorie, low fat cheesecake recipe that captures the flavor of them. Just the thing for all this hot weather!!

100 Calorie Low-Fat Orange Dream Cheesecake
Makes: 8 servings
1 HONEY MAID Honey Grahams, crushed (about 3 Tbsp.)
2/3 cup boiling water
1 pkg. (4-serving size) JELL-O Brand Orange Flavor Sugar Free Low Calorie Gelatin
1 cup BREAKSTONE'S or KNUDSEN Low Fat Cottage Cheese
1 tub (8 oz.) PHILADELPHIA Fat Free Cream Cheese
2 cups thawed COOL WHIP FREE Whipped Topping

SPRINKLE crumbs onto bottom of 8- or 9-inch springform pan or 9-inch pie plate sprayed with cooking spray. STIR boiling water into gelatin in large bowl at least 2 min. until gelatin is completely dissolved. Cool 5 min. Pour into blender container. Add cheeses; cover. Blend on medium speed until well blended, stopping occasionally to scrape down side of blender container; pour into large bowl. ADD whipped topping; stir gently until well blended. Pour into prepared pan; smooth top with spatula. Refrigerate 4 hours or until set. Remove side of pan just before serving. Store leftover cheesecake in refrigerator.

NUTRITION INFORMATION Nutrition Bonus: You're sure to love the creamy orange flavor of this low-fat low-cholesterol cheesecake. As a bonus, the fat free cream cheese is a good source of calcium.

Diet Exchange: 1 Starch,1 Meat (VL) Nutrition (per serving) Calories 100 Total fat 2g Saturated fat 1.5g Cholesterol 10mg Sodium 330mg Carbohydrate 11g Dietary fiber 0g Sugars 5g Protein 8g Vitamin A 10%DV Vitamin C 0%DV Calcium 15%DV Iron 0%DV

RED FRIDAY

It seems that I'm always slow on the uptake, the last one to know and all that. Even so, I think this is a wonderful idea and I'm jumping on the bandwagon. Better late than never, I hear.

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about Bush and everything he stands for (in case you're new here, it ain't good nor pretty). Regardless of my Dubya hatred or what I think about the war, I have the greatest respect and admiration for our troops.

Our armed forces put their lives on the line to defend our freedoms. As much as we like to bitch and moan about how things are, these fine men and women go out and make sure we have to right to pitch hissy fits and talk trash about the government any time we want too.

They don't choose where they go or what they do, our so-called fearless leaders do that. That's why the following email hit so close to home. I have friends and friends-of-friends in the service, I know how awful their lives are going right now and I wish all of them could come home tonight. But until that happens, I plan to give them all the support I can. Now I gotta go look for me a new red outfit.

*Last week I was in Atlanta, Georgia attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever seen.

Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camo's, as they began heading to their gate everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering. When I saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded and cheered for it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families.

Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal. Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi," the little girl then she asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her. The young soldier, he didn't look any older than maybe 22, said he would try and what did she want to give to her daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.

The mother of the little girl, who said her daughters name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter, Courtney, missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up.

When this emporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military looking walkie-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.

After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you." He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon."

The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event unfolded. As the soldiers began to leave,
heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause.

As I stood there applauding and looked around, there were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.

We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American.

Red Friday---Just keeping you "in the loop" so you'll know what's going on in case this takes off.

RED FRIDAYS ----- Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing red every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority". We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for our country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or over-bearing. We get no media coverage on TV, to reflect our message or our opinions.

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that:

Every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar will wear something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers.

If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family. It will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.

The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is...We need your support and your prayers. Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example; and wear something red every Friday.

IT IS YOUR CHOICE. WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE
ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE
THEIR BLOOD RUNS RED
---- SO WEAR RED! ---

SO TELL ME.......

OK, you've heard me bitch about trying to diet. Now it's y'alls turn to help out a fellow blogger in her war against jiggling thighs, bubble butt and high blood sugar. Stu Savory has already given his hints for losing weight and now it's your turn.

Tell me your favorite recipe suitable for cutting back on fats and/or calories . Anything suited to summertime and hot weather is a plus. I know lots of y'all are excellent cooks and I want the benefit of your wisdom and experience. Use the comments, post on your site and tell me about it or shoot me an email. Who knows, we might even get enough to write our own cookbook!!

Fess up and help a gal out.

BUTTS AND ASSHATS

Ever noticed how certain people insist on telling you "what to do/how to live" meanwhile doing a piss poor job in his or her own small wretched world? Sometimes it gets so bad I just wanta grab said person round the neck and squeeze until their face turns purple and their eyes start to bug out. Not exactly to the point of going to jail for murder, but just enough to get their attention and maybe vent a little frustration at the same time.

I thought that having a big ol' juicy ass was in fashion. Else why all the talk on TV and in the magazines about JoLo's booty and song lyrics like:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up front
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got
Make Me so horny

On the Tyra Banks's show the other day they were talking about a recent survey of hundreds of men asking the question: "If you had to choose, which would you prefer; a woman with a small boobs and a big butt or one with big boobs and a small butt?" Over 90% of the men chose small boobs and a big butt!!! See, I'm in fashion, except I've got boobs, brains and a butt. The best of all worlds, if only I could get Dr. Dupper to agree.

I've been trying to eat a little healthier cause Dr. Dupper is scaring me to death with all her talk of BMIs, diabetes and heart attacks. So I'm brown-bagging lunch to work and doing fairly well except that every once in a while I get a craving. The thought of a prime piece of rare steak, something sweet, even just a couple of French-fries will hit and my mouth starts to water. Once I get that taste in my mouth nothing else will do. I figure it's better to indulge in a little bit of sinfully good food instead of eating 3000 calories worth of salad trying to be good.

But the guys here at work are bird-dogging me! It's become a case of "Do what I say, not what I do". I made the mistake of letting them know that I'm trying to cut back, so if I nibble on a cookie the next thing I know I've got an overweight, beer-gutted redneck who has to tie his shoes before he zips his pants, holding a honey bun in one hand and a 20 ounce Pepsi in the other breathing down my neck grunting about "You're not supposed to eat that". Even if I'm being good, they come by and lean over my plate until I'm worried about them shedding nose hairs on my food while asking "What the hell is that?"

I tell you, it's almost enough to make me lose my appetite (actually this would probably be a good thing guaranteed to make me lose weight, but I've got a cast iron stomach).

Naw, the guys are just trying to be supportive but it's still frustrating as hell! I want me a double cheeseburger and a large fry. Prime rib with a baked potato loaded with butter and sour cream. I sit here poking at my salad while my stomach growls because the smell of cooking bacon and eggs in the break room is wandering down the hall and right into the craving area of my brain.

OK, I'm gonna quit whining now, the more I talk about food the hungrier I get. How many calories if I just chew on my pencil?

BOYS WILL BE BOYS

When I opened this email from my cousin Danny I got so tickled that Diet Dew shot out my nose!!

BOYS WILL BE BOYS, INDEED!