ZAPPED & SQUISHED

It’s been hotter'n hell here in 'Bama with the temps in the 100's but that hasn't kept me inside hibernating under the A/C, I've been burning up the roads today.

First I visited Young and Healthy Skin to have a few stray hairs removed via laser. This was the first time I've ever visited any kind of skin care clinic and I didn't know what to expect. Having a laser burn off body parts sounded painful but I was pleasantly surprised when the whole experience was so relaxing. I lay on a vibrating massage table wearing goggles while the technician zapped the errant fuzz. It didn’t hurt (thank goodness) but felt like someone snapping me with a rubber band. Getting my tattoo hurt tons more! The worst part was the stink of burning hair and not being able to see what was going on. Wearing those goggles was like wearing a blindfold for my execution. Afterward, I was a little pink but it was gone in a few hours. I may have to check out some of their other services; I need all the help I can get now-a-days.

Then I went with Karen to get her mammogram. No one likes having their titties squished in that torture device but it's a necessary evil. Men are so lucky not to have to endure anything that. Guys, imagine having your dangly bits put in a vice with a sadistic wench turning the screw!

Then it's on to traffic court with Karen to hold her hand while we see about paying her very first ticket. 50 years old, she's got her very first ticket and her maiden visit to court. She was a nervous wreck! You would have thought she was going to her own execution by the way she acted, but all she got was traffic school at a cost $100 and nothing showing on her driving record. At least her auto insurance won't go up.

Now I'm gonna kick back and take it easy. It's back to work tomorrow night and I want to enjoy my last night of freedom. I haven't been on line much, for some reason my 'puter has been really slow and locking up. I'll visit y'all tomorrow from work where I have high speed access on the company time.

OLD AGE

My buddy Carol sent this to me. I hate to admit it, but damn if one or two don't describe me!

---- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to
be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some
parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

WHY I STAY SINGLE.......

WARNING: FEMALE RANT!

The other night one of my girlfriends and I were planning to go watch a movie, but her husband pitched a screaming fit. She told him our plans the day before, hoping he would be mellow about it but no dice. He claimed that the only reason for two women to go out after dark was to screw around with other men! It's not the first time; he says the same thing even if we go shopping at the mall in the daytime.

It's not just the one friend with that type of marriage either. I have another married friend who's only allowed out of the house to pay bills (carrying just enough cash to cover them, her husband won't put her name on the checking account). She's not even allowed to have female friends visit her home unless he's there to supervise. What is it that we're supposed to be doing in her own home? One of our other female friends gave her a pair of earrings and her loving husband called her a whore, saying that the only person who would give her a gift was a lover.

Both of these guys say that women have no business being outside the home. That "decent women" should stay in the house and do "their job" and nothing else. No social life, no outside job, no interaction with outsiders, no hobbies, no visitors; women are supposed to just spend their entire adult lives waiting on their husbands and catering to their every whim.

What is it with some men, making them automatically assume that the only thing women are interested in is having sex with whatever man is available? Do they honestly think that women can't enjoy just being around each other without hunting down some poor man and tackling his sorry ass? Granted, some women go out on the prowl on their "girls' night out", but all of us are not constantly on the make. There are actually females who enjoy each other’s company without a man around to validate us. Besides, if I wanted to pick up a man why would I carry compition with me?

I would say that the husbands worry because I'm single and apt to "lead their wives astray" but these macho he-men act the same way regardless of who or where their wives are going, even if it's with their own mothers! Besides, we're all in our 40s and 50s. It's not like we’re models or young hard-bodies that have men falling all over us!

People wonder why I have no interest in getting married. All I have to do is look at the relationships around me and single life looks better and better.......

ANYONE GOT ANY ALKA-SELTZER?

My belly's pooching out!

The company fed us lunch today as a kinda "thank you" (never mind what for). When I opened the plate I found an 8 ounce T-bone steak, a monster-sized baked potato loaded with butter and sour cream, and a fried apple pie.

I know I didn't need all that but hey, it's free. Free means that the calories don't count! Right? Of course that's right!


I really need to get out and walk off some of this food, but I'm a prisioner here at this computer. The typical after-effects of a big meal are kicking in. You know the ones I'm talking about, the urge to take a nap while some of the excess food get digested.

I sure hope that the bosses stay gone for a while, I think I've got pie in my eyes.

ONE MORE DAY

Only one more 12 hour work day and then I get a few days off!!!

No getting up at 3:30 AM! No gently attempting to stuff my poor injured foot into a shoe while only half awake. Time to hang out with friends and maybe have a libation or three.

Hell, if I drink enough I may dance naked in the moonlight!

CHICKEN FOOT STRIKES AGAIN

I've aggravated my injured foot again! I worked out at Curves yesterday afternoon and when I went to take my sock off last night the scab was glued to it. I wound up peeling the sucker off. OUCH!

This morning my entire left foot is swollen (or "swolt" as Karen's son says) and tender and my shoe is killing me. Unfortunately I'm at work and going barefoot is not an option. I guess I got too frisky too soon, but dang it I need to get some exercise.
I'm not used to being a cripple, hobbling around like Chester off of Gun Smoke (how many of you are old enough to remember that Dillon's assistant/deputy was at first Chester Goode, played by Dennis Weaver before Festus Haggen, played by Ken Curtis?).

The guys here at work are calling me "Chicken Foot" again!

Seems like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. With the blisters on my palms and my "chicken foot", I feel like I've got hoof and mouth disease. Good thing I'm not a horse, someone would have already shot me!

In all those old westerns they always gave the victim a good stiff drink for the pain. Someone pass the whiskey please.......

VIRTUAL MODEL

There's a website called "Virtual Model" where you can make a clone of yourself FOR FREE. The left is me now, and the right is me if I manage to lose the weight that I want by the end of the year. I'm taking it slow, I'd love to be even smaller but that's a drop of 50 pounds and I'm being realistic here.

Sometimes it helps to see yourself from a different perspective. I know that when I look in a mirror I tend to focus on what I perceive as my flaws. With this model it's easier to see yourself as others do. I don't search for wrinkles or cellulite or grey hair when I look at my model. And the before and after picture (use the Prevention.com link, it has a weight loss model) helps you be realistic about what you should weigh. If you type in a too-small number you turn into a stick woman.

Just though y'all might want to go and play with the models. You get to dress them different, too.

WEEKEND UPDATE

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I've spent all weekend trying to whip the yard into shape. I've mowed and trimmed and used a pole saw (See the picture at the right if you're lucky enough to have not ever heard of a pole saw). I didn't get all my trees trimmed, but I've got big blisters on the palms of both hands and a huge brush pile started, so I quit for now. I love my trees, but it gets to be a hassle keeping them trimmed and all the windfalls picked up.


I did manage to slip away long enough yesterday to go see Pirates of the Caribbean 2-Dead Man's Chest. I know he's a little freaky, but Johnny Depp just does something for me! Not only is he a good-old boy from Kentucky,he made all the girls hearts throb in the role of undercover cop Tommy Hanson in the popular TV series "21 Jump Street" (1987) and has kicked ass in a wide variety of parts every since.
Johnny can come play with my chest anytime!

Hope all y'all had a good weekend!

BELATED 4TH FIREWORKS

It doesn't take much to make a 6 year-old mini-Redneck happy. A couple of $$$ worth of fireworks, a cigarette to use for a lighting stick and alls well in his tiny little world.
It takes a steady hand!
Light the fuse and run like hell!
Sparklers, told you it didn't take much!
Remember those "Black Snakes"? Makes one hell of a mess on the driveway!
That's one happy young'un.

JUST CALL ME LEFTY

Can only one side of your body be accident prone? I was examining my still weeping/seeping/oozing boo-boo on my left foot where it was smashed by the Frozen Fowl last week (BTW, earning me the nickname of "Chicken Foot" at work) and noticed that it was the same foot that I injured when I was 16.

First, let me give you a bit of history so you can understand my question. All of us girls were active and thus accident prone. We were on a first name basis with the emergency room nurses and the Doctors all knew us as well. Between the 5 of us we had multiple incidents of stitches & broken bones; foreign objects stuck in windpipes, noses & ears; and 2nd & 3rd degree burns (Teresa threw a match in gas, human torch, but a story for another time). For whatever reason, my left side seemed to catch hell most of the time. I'll just hit the highlights or this post would take forever.

When I was 4, I fell while climbing on Dad's pile of scrap metal and broke my left collarbone. I don't really remember it, but Mom claims that’s why my left collarbone sticks out farther than the other.

I was around 12 or 13 when my sister Lana, pissed off for whatever reason, swung at my head with a returnable drink bottle. You remember the ones I'm talking about, real glass, quart size, with a screw-on top and heavy as hell. I blocked the blow with my left hand and she broke my pinkie finger. The darn thing junted out at a 45 degree angle from the bottom knuckle!! At the time, Dad said it was just out of joint, yanked it straight and wrapped it with an Ace Bandage. A week later, the thing's still swollen and purple, so Mom took me to get it x-rayed. Yeah, it was broke. Now it's crooked and has a hump on the inside of the second knuckle. But hey, I can bend it sideways, always a neat party trick and a great ice-breaker with the opposite sex. Men just love those kinda odd-ball things in a woman.

Moving on, age 14. Donna, Ricky Speegle (one of our neighborhood posse) and I were climbing a huge walnut tree in the pasture. I was wearing soft-soled moccasins and it had started to rain. I slipped on the wet bark and fell a long-long way down, landing on my back with my left arm twisted behind me. I must have sunk 4 inches into the ground and was lying across a ditch. It knocked the breath out of me and all I could do is lay there and try to suck some air in my lungs while Donna hung off a branch, looking down at me and yelling "Are You Dead?" When both of them got to the ground and got me up, my hand was on backwards and my arm was turning really interesting colors.

We walked home, I took a bath (couldn't to the hospital with all that mud on me) and on to the emergency room. Not broken, but both wrist and elbow dislocated. The Dr. claimed that the only reason I didn't break my back was because of the mud cushioning my landing. Before the thing healed, I went through 5 casts, what with being thrown in swimming pools, getting hit in the cast by a softball and getting thrown off a horse (several times). For years afterward, every time I used my left hand to pick up anything over a few pounds, my wrist would pop out of joint and someone would have to grab my hand and yank it back in place.

Sweet 16 (now comes the foot part). I was mowing the back yard with a push mower when I hit a large piece of gravel at the edge of the driveway. The mower blade broke in the center, where the bolt goes through it. Half slung out the front and half out the back. That back half got stopped by my foot! I stumbled into the house yelling for Mom, a stream of blood squirting out with every heart beat and my big toe hanging on by a scrap of skin. The cool thing was, the blade hit so hard that it knocked all the feeling out. It didn't hurt; my foot just looked like a prop out of some Slasher/Horror Film (Curse of the Bloody Foot, perhaps?).

Mom, being used to bloodshed and mayhem, calmly wrapped my foot in a bath towel, loaded me in the station wagon and headed to Moulton. Everything was fine until she turned into the emergency room entrance and hit the speed breaker there. The thump caused my foot to slap the floorboard and all those severed nerve endings woke up at one time! The nurses rushed me inside , gave me a wonderful don't-give-a-damn shot, numbed my foot and then I sat up and watched Dr. Willard reattach my toe. He kept up a running commentary the whole time, naming and showing me the tendons and blood vessels as he sewed them back together. It was almost like watching the Discovery Health Channel. I bet not many of you can claim to have actually watched while a part of your body gets sewn back on!

The toe healed, eventually, but it took all summer. I left school for the summer on crutches and started the next term still on crutches. I got blood poisoning (for which they OD'ed me on penicillin, causing me to forever be allergic); slipped on spilled oil in the garage & fell, re-breaking the darn thing, and developed strong arms from hobbling around on those cursed sticks. A summer not being able to motivate is hell for a teenage girl, even if I did have a cute guy visiting on his motorcycle!

NOW……. The 1-ton-frozen-chicken smacked right on top of the tendon (which was cut and sewn back together in the past) that runs from my ankle to the reattached toe. The damned tendon is red, swollen and has a chunk of meat gone.

My left side is jinxed! True, the right has had a few injuries; I'll tell you the story about the ring of scars circling my upper right thigh - left by a flying, shredded beer can sometime. BUT……. What can I do to make the left side of my body less vulnerable? Hell, I'm 50; I don't heal that fast anymore! I refuse sit on the couch, quit doing anything that I want, or wear some kinda padded suit.

Oh well, you gotta die of something. Just make sure my good side is to the front when I'm in the coffin…….

A SALUTE TO STEAK

Do you love to cook? Maybe you just like to eat. More importantly, do you care about the sacrifices of our service people and their families who have given their all for our country?

Then check out "A SALUTE TO STEAK". All proceeds from this $10 cookbook (sponsored by Weber Grills) will go to the following four charities that benefit Marines wounded or killed in the line of duty and/or their families.

Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund, Wounded Warrior Project, Fisher House (a "home away from home" for families of patients receiving medical care at major military and VA medical centers), and Marine Corps-Law Enforcement Foundation (assistance is primarily rendered to children of Marines or Federal law enforcement personnel who were killed on duty or died under extraordinary circumstances while serving our country at home or abroad) are all organizations that do wonderful things and deserve all the support we can give them. All that and you get a great cookbook, too!

Here's the official website (check out the video while you're there!) and you can buy it locally at Ace Hardware, Airgas Gaspro, Aqua Quip, Do It Best, G.I. Joes, The Andersons, and True Value. Where else can your $10 do so much?

Regardless of how you feel about this senseless war, these people deserve our support. They've served our country to the best of their ability and now both the injured Marines and their families are paying the price. Buy the book. The proceeds might even help someone that you know and love. Besides, it's the right thing to do. Good Karma will come your way, I promise!

Check out the following links, several of them have sample recipes to try.


*Salt Lake Marine to compete in N.Y. in 'Command of Grill' contest
*Weber Presents "Command of the Grill"
*Decatur Daily "Salute!Steak recipe book by U.S. Marines to help injured comrades, families of those killed in duty"
*Google News Stories "Command of the Grill"

BLINKYOUDOTCOM

I found a new blinkie site that I just love! Click on any of these blinkies to go to blinkyoudotcom
Damn, I wish I had the talent to create things like these. I'm just barely functional with HTML and I'm still learning CSS! It's nice of these wonderful and talented people to let others use their work, and it's FREE!
It has a lot of other options, including a custom doll maker. Go and check them out.

Damn, my doll's white britches don't show up too well, I shoulda put her in jeans.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

BONUS: Green-Eyed Lady has posted her response to the ABC meme and it's a hoot! She's an artist and poet who often works in adult themes, as witnessed by this snippet of her response to being assigned the letter P:

"a Period of adult Potpourri, Punctuated with Potent amounts of Pucker Power but still leaving me Panting for more… ;)"

Y'all go and check out the rest of her meme. The lady has mucho talent.

SATURDAY WITH DONNA

Donna and I spent Saturday watching the Stihl TimberSports event. The show was wonderful with a standing room only crowd; big brawny men from all over the world wielding chain saws, huge hand saws and shiny axes while young women with bulging leg muscles ran across free-floating logs that bobbed and rolled underfoot. I tended to cheer for the young pretty boys (hey, eye candy!) while Donna was rooting for a short, hard-bodied, older, bald guy. I hate to admit it, but her guy did better in the events. I guess those young thin fellers didn't have enough lead in their britches but they sure were easy on the eyes.

One event was called the "Hot Saw" event. The chain saws had been modified to use dirt bike motors and cut through the logs like they were made of butter. When they were cranked the noise was unbelievable and you could hear all the men in the crowd go "OOOOOO"! I can just see some of those Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor wanta-be Rednecks going home and trying to build a hot saw of their very own. Hope the fools don't cut off something they might need some day.


We almost got heat stroke! The temps were pushing 100 and there wasn't a bit of shade in the stands. I had a hard time concentrating on my male ogling because the tickle of big fat drops of sweat (I swear they felt like they were the size of acorns) slowly cruising down the Grand Canyon between my butt cheeks kept distracting me. That and the sweat dripping in my eyes blurred my less than perfect vision. Oh, excuse me, I forgot; women don't sweat, they perspire.

All in all, it was a good day. Good-looking men, good company, nobody fussing or fighting. It's hard to get Donna out; she's a homebody and always comes up with an excuse not to go when invited. Maybe this is the start of something new for her.

ROADT

NO, I DON'T NEED A CANE!

You should see me walk, I look pitiful! I'm still hobbling around like a little old woman. Of course I'm not that little and 50 ain't young, but I never suffered from arthritis or joint problems and I NEVER hobbled until I was attacked by that Foul Freezer Fowl. So much for a sexy strut, at least for a while.

The foot is sore and wearing shoes is a nightmare. I bet I tried on a dozen pairs before I found something that I could wear. Good thing I have a shoe fetish, at least I had a lot of options to choose from. The broken skin is in just the right position to be rubbed by everything but a pair of flip-flops. No matter what kind of Band-Aid I use, it won't stay on unless I wrap the entire foot in tape (making it look like the Mummy’s Foot out of some B-grade horror movie), which makes it impossible to walk without looking like a cripple.

The thing is, this weekend is the Stilh TimberSports at Point Mallard which I really wanted to go to. This is the first time it’s ever been held in the Southeast, and Karen, Donna and I had plans to go. Sweaty, hard-bodied men swinging axes and wielding chainsaws {{{sigh}}}. The events will be spread out and I know that I'll have to do a lot of walking. At least Donna has knee problems so I won’t be the only one having to take her time.

It takes more than a sore foot to keep this Junebugg down! I'll just hobble and limp my way through. Who knows, maybe some good-looking, chivalrous studly male will offer me his arm to lean on!

FLOGGED

I've been flogged! Who knew that a well stocked freezer could be a health hazard?


When I went to put my new case of Sugar Free/Low Carb Vitatops in the freezer I was attacked by a monster-sized frozen chicken. The sucker leaped out from the top shelf, smacking the top of my foot hard enough to break the skin.

After doing a remarkable imitation of an Indian war dance, hopping around on one foot and screaming a few very choice fugly words (scaring the poor dog half to death) I hobbled in the house (the freezer is in an outside storage room) and announced to my son that I thought I had broken my foot. If I hadn't been in pain, the look on his face would have been priceless. I'm usually the doctor, not the patient.

After copious applications of ice and a few Aleve, I've decided that I just bruised the living hell out of it. It's still oozing blood and starting to turn colors that Crayola never manufactured but I believe that I'll live, although I doubt that I'll be wearing any shoes for a while.

Why does this shit always happen when I'm on vacation?

NEW AND IMPROVED

Karen and I went to the Concert in the Park on the Tennessee River in Decatur last night and the music was great! There was a cool breeze blowing, a nice crowd showed up and it seemed like everyone had a nice time. People were singing, tapping their feet and clapping while little kids put on a dance show to everyone's delight. Don't you wish everyone was as unselfconscious as kids!

We walked around the river walk for several hours. Unfortunately I was wearing sandals (I didn't plan to do quite that much walking) and I rubbed a sore spot on the side of my foot. Oh well, at least I got some exercise!

Tonight we went shopping. I bought all kinds of beauty products, gotta love TJ Max! Spa Essentials face cream with Sea Kelp & Olive Oil, Pretika Spa Facial Mask Regimen, Vinoderm night cream with Retinol Vitamin A, Jean Michelle eye serum, new shades of war paint and some wonderful scented candles to burn while I laze around in the tub (one is blood orange & ginger, the other one mandarin & cedar). So now if I can lose a few pounds, give myself a facial once in a while and make myself start wearing makeup, I'll be thin and beautiful (Yeah, right!).

Look out world, there's a new and improved Junebugg headed your way soon.

BROKEN TRAIL

Damn, sometimes working swing shift is a bitch! I really really really wanted to watch "Broken Trail" on AMC tonight (Sunday and Monday at 8, Eastern and Pacific times; 7, Central time). I've been watching the trailers and hoping that I'd get to see this 2 part mini-series. I grew up watching westerns and now-a-days they don't have good ones on TV like "Raw Hide" and "Wagon Train".

The plot involves young Chinese women who are rounded up and sold to an American intent on transporting them to the frontier to serve as prostitutes (they're all virgins so as to fetch a higher price) and along the way five of them end up in the custody of two flinty cowboys who are taking a herd of wild horses across the wilderness to Wyoming.

Here's the official "Broken Trail" website with videos and all that other good stuff. Here's an article that says "Fixing 'Broken Trail' TV: Unhappy with the first cut, star and producer Robert Duvall made his own". That's the first time that I heard that but if he did it, it's gotta be good. The man don't do trash. Maybe they'll do a repeat so I can watch it.

Robert Duvall is one of my favorite actors and he ain't bad for a "mature" man. What can I say, I always liked the tough guys. Pretty boys need to much TLC. I want a man who'll take care of me without worrying about messing up his hair!

FREE WORKOUT DVD

Aleve is giving away a free workout DVD made especially for people with arthritis and/or joint problems. Go here and in the space where it asks for a UPC code enter: 325866513243. Just pick any recent day for the purchase date.

I don't know about y'all but I'm all for free stuff and I need to get off my ample ass and move around more!