Wednesday, October 25, 2006

IS MY FACE RED?

I've never been what you would call graceful. My name and the words "Poetry in motion" have never been mentioned in the same sentence, and for good reason. I stride instead of glide and the few times I've attempted to dance it looked more like a spastic being electrocuted than Ginger Rogers tripping the light fantastic. Maybe that's why I was never any good at sports, no coordination (plus the fact that I don’t always play well with others).

OK, so now you have the picture of a klutzy stumbling bumbling Junebugg in your mind. Add to that equation an all day shopping excursion wearing a brand new pair of slick-soled, high-heeled cowboy boots fresh out of the box.

Can you see where this scenario is headed? Come on, it doesn't take that much imagination. That's right. I fell, TWICE. In the Mall and AGAIN in Wal-Mart. And no, I wasn't drinking, thank you very much.

You would think, considering how much padding I'm endowed with, that I would bounce like a super ball, but noooooo. My butt didn't hit the floor, I landed on my right knee both times. Did you know that those stores are built on concrete slabs? A knee cap doesn't have any padding, and bone slamming against concrete while being propelled by the body of a falling plus sized female creates quite a smack.

I did manage to hang on to all my bags of loot but I know I looked funny as hell with my ass stuck up in the air (no wise cracks about my best side being up). Luckily each time we were leaving the store when I attempted to plant my face in the floor, so I didn't have to deal with the embarrassment of the many bystanders who witnessed my fall from grace following me around, constantly asking me if I was alright.

My knee cap is now missing a bit of skin, plus both my right thigh, the left side of my neck and shoulder, and my lower back are aching just a bit. I'll live, but I expect to be more than a little tender in those areas when I roll out of bed in the morning. I can't wait to see the size and color variations of the bruises I know will develop over night.

It could have been worse; I could have broken something and not been able to get up & make my escape. I can see it now, me lying there in the floor like a beached whale, surrounded by my sexy new lace thongs and what-nots, the crowd of gawkers growing larger by the minute, while someone calls an ambulance so even more people can learn that I can't walk and talk at the same time.

I think I'll take an aspirin or three and go to bed.

2 comments:

anonymous jones said...

Some people may hold those shops accountable for the fall. What kind of floor did they have? Were they slippery? If your surroundings were at all to blame you may like to photograph your cuts and bruises, or get a doctor's report and send it to the store and see what happens! Not that I'm litigious or anything ...

yellowdog granny said...

im with jones..sue the bastards...
are you ok?..new cowboy boots are killer...i bought a new pair once..35 years ago..and was up next on the pool table and ran to the table and hit a nail in the floor and literly flew the air did a flip and handed back on my feet in a squat...stood up and keep right on going..like i had planned it..ha...my heart was still beating like a drumb 3o minutes later...ha..
scratch the bottom of them with a razor and rub cigarette ashes in the cuts..