Monday, May 29, 2006

GLUTTONY


I slept until 3 PM today (I'm working 6 PM until 6 AM) and stumbled out of bed straight to the shower. I admit it, I am not a morning person (when you're working graveyard shift, 3 PM is morning!). I have to get my head wet and a serious amount of caffeine into me before I function well and woe to whoever happens to cross me before that happens. After I soaped, shampooed, shaved and all those other feminine-type hygiene things that we women do I wandered back toward the kitchen in search of coffee and smokes, and noticed the message light on the phone blinking.

It was my sister Teresa telling me that she had a bar-b-que today, there was tons of food left over and if I wanted a plate to carry to work just drop on by. The woman fixed me up with a medium rare T-bone the size of a hubcap, a 16 oz butter-container full of potato salad, a huge pile of baked beans smothered with bacon and Texas toast.

I've been eating all night and there's still some left! Damn, it's good. All the women in our family are fine cooks, and it's even better when someone else cooks for you. This ain't my picture but it could be if I keep eating like this!!At least it's the way I feel right now, stuffed and satisfied.

Why is it that anything that you truly enjoy ain't good for you? I firmly believe that MOST PHYSICALLY ENJOYABLE THINGS IN LIFE ARE EITHER ILLEGAL, IMMORAL OR FATTENING.


Have a Heart-Sharon HudsonMarbled Nude-Sharon Hudson I recently found these paintings by Sharon Hudson and thought I'd introduce them to you. The one on the on the left is "Have a Heart" and the one on the right is "Marbled Nude".

Go visit her Gallery, I think you'll enjoy her work. Although I have no artistic abilities, I do appreciate the work of others, and like to encourage and support their efforts.

Sleeping Beauty-Sharon Hudson
"Sleeping Beauty" by Sharon Hudson


Now if y'all will excuse me, I've gotta go pretend like I'm working and try to stay awake. I think that steak has gotten into my eyes, the lids keep wanting to close.......

HAVE A SAFE ONE




Saturday, May 27, 2006

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY


Here's best wishes to all y'all out there in blogland on this holiday that is dedicated to honoring the patriotic dead of our armed forces. Let's not forget the reasons why most Americans have this day off from work.

Of course, I'm here at work instead of drinking and grilling and partying like the rest of y'all lucky souls. So drink one for me and don't forget to pour one for those who can't be with us anymore.

Friday, May 26, 2006

The Voodoo Penis

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

The rest is history.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday, May 25, 2006

DIRT UNDER MY NAILS

I spent all day yesterday pulling grass from the flower beds and went last night to buy bedding plants. I hit the sales rack and got some real deals (if they live). Call it my "Plant Rescue Mission". Poor root-bound things, they were wilted and sad looking but I have high hopes. Surely with a little room to grow and some TLC they'll perk up and make me proud. I've separated them and set them out, but ya'll don't get any pictures until they take off and fill in the bare spots.
Rose This rose came back against all odds. I was so proud to see it make a return this year, I usually don't do well with roses. Usually, between the dogs, the boys and me they do good to last the year that their planted.

Ain't it pretty?




Candy LilyThis is an old timey flower, I think they call them "heritage plants" now. The bulbs originally came to my Mom from my Grandmother Waters and I got a start from Mom. I don't know the proper name for it, we just always called it a candy lily. It lives through anything, the flower stalks get about 4 foot high with foliage about knee high. I've to two clumps as big as a bushel basket in the middle of the yard. In the fall, after they die down I just mow over them.
The boys washed my car for me today (it was nasty!), but somehow it turned into a water-battle (the perfect day for it, hot and muggy).

First Drennon sprayed himself. I do believe that the water was just a little colder on the pubescent gonads than he thought it would be!








Then he sprayed his Dad.

Lastly, he tried to spray me, but this Nana is too fast for that!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

CHILDHOOD MEMORY GAME

I'm shamelessly stealing borrowing this idea from the fabulous NonGirlfried aka Chicken.

Each of you go to the comment section and give us one of your favorite childhood memories. Use as much or as little detail as you want, it is your memory, after all. I'll start you off with a few of mine.

Winnie Roasts on the flat rock in the edge of the woods. Charred hot-dogs and marshmallows on a stick. Gathering sticks for the fire. Mom and Dad young and good looking, laughing and making sure none of us caught on fire. Competing to see who could get the most marshmallows on one stick.

Building hay houses in the barn. Taking square bales of hay and stacking them to create rooms and furniture. Stealing blankets and pillows out of the house, my sisters and I spending the day out there pretending to be grown while rain drummed on the tin roof.

Spending the day out in the woods, wading the creek and eating wild huckleberries and blackberries straight off the bush without worrying about germs or getting sick. Swinging on vines like Tarzan. Building rafts to float the creek (even though I can't swim).

OK, y'alls turn. Tell me what you loved when you were little.......

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

GRASS CLIPPINGS IN MY HAIR, SMOKE IN THE AIR

Today's been yard work day. What with all the rain and overtime, things had gotten out of hand. I've sprayed roundup, mowed, trimmed, burned both leaves and limbs, and killed a snake (Yes, again! This one was almost 6' long and hiding in the mower shed).

I'm tired and sore but my yard looks better, all 2 acres of it, as long as you don't look at the flower beds. They'll have to wait, I don't feel up to doing battle with nutgrass today.


jasmine
Here's a prime example of how overgrown things have gotten. My jasmine has gone wild! See how it's surrounded the hanging pot and has a strangle-hold on the porch railing! It's time to either do some drastic pruning or dig the sucker up and relocate it somewhere it can grow to it's heart's content (do plants have hearts? I know that trees do.).


Drennon on 4 wheeler
Drennon (the grandson) helped out by loading fallen limbs in the trailer and carrying them to the burn pile. We had 3 different fires going at once. Smoke was rolling across the yard, it looked like the house was on fire!

I've had my shower and now I'm kicked back wondering what to cook for supper. Nothing left to do now but eat and watch "House".

Saturday, May 20, 2006

OAKVILLE, ALABAMA INDIAN FESTIVAL

Summer always brings loads of local festivals and events. Around here, if you can't find something to do, it's because you didn't look around.

Oakville Indian FestivalThis weekend was the annual Indian Festival at the Oakville Indian Mound Museum located just a few miles from my house. The Oakville Indian Mounds Park and Museum in Lawrence County is home to thousands of Indian artifacts and two Indian mounds. The exhibit opened in 1987. That year, 600 children, all Native American descendents, learned about their Indian heritage. Since then, that number has grown to 1,500 students. The festival includes Indian culture and dances and a civil war reenactment plus tons of vendors and people in costume doing living history recitals of local figures from days gone by, like Aunt Jenny Brooks.

Did I mention there was bluegrass picking and grinning going on, too? Something for everyone and then some!

Oakville Indian Festival Several of my pictures didn't turn out as well as I would like. The dance area is in the shade, wonderful for the dancers but not so good for picture taking.









Oakville Indian Festival












Oakville Indian Festival









Oakville Indian Festival WomanMan, I'm glad that women don't dress like this any more! She claims that she's not hot, but I think the lady lied. Even with the nice breeze that was blowing, I was sweating and she had a lot more clothes on than I did. I wish I had gotten pictures of the field nurses tending the wounded during the battle, but I took too many pics of friends and family. This is the way the common women dressed, all those fancy hoop skirts you see in the movies were worn by the well-off Ladies of the Manor. At least dressed like this, you didn't have to worry about love handles showing!


Oakville Indian Festival Civil WarI ran out pictures before the actual civil war reenactment, but here you see them getting just one of the many cannons in position. The black powder guns and cannons were really loud and clouds of smelly black smoke rolled across the landscape during the battle. The kids loved it, all that charging on horseback, loud booms, fake death scenes and screaming. The little boys all wanted to play soldier with them!
Oakville Indian Festival
Looks like some of combatants had to take a break!

Jeff Waters
Jeff Waters












This is my cousin, Jeff Waters who is a professional blacksmith. On the left he's showing some of the knives he made, and on the right he's using his primitive forge. He performs at all the local events and always draws quite a crowd. Looks the part, doesn't he! If any of you ladies out there in blogland like your men big, burly and of the mountain-man persuasion, Jeff's single and up for grabs.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

SEE YOU AT THE DRIVE IN

I've got 7 whole days off after today, and one of the things I'm planning is to go to King's Drive In theater. There's nothing like sitting under the stars with loads of snacks, a cooler full of cold ones, a snuggly someone next to you and a couple of good movies on the big screen. If the picture sucks, you can always find your own brand of entertainment! RV starring Robin Williams and the cartoon Over the Hedge are showing this week, so I expect to have my funny bone tickled, at the very least!

At King's you see entire families sitting outside their cars in lawn chairs, enjoying the summer evening while kids roam around. With the price of $5 for adults and $2.50 for kids over the age of 6 to see 2, count them TWO, first run movies it's one of the few affordable forms of entertainment left for young families on a budget.

I read somewhere that there are just over 200 drive-in movies left in the US and somewhere else I read that there were only 59 (whatever the real count, there aren't many drive-ins remaining), and out of that Alabama has 11 outdoor movie theaters, with two brand-new venues near Anniston and Dothan. I'm lucky enough to live within driving distance of two of them. Unfortunately it seems that few of our locals take advantage of our drive-ins and I'm afraid that finances may force them to close.

Almost all of us who are "of a certain age"(damn, I hate that term) have fond memories of going to the drive-in ( I'm quoting here) - "The greatest threat ever to women's purity". Everything from sneaking in by hiding in someone's car trunk to having our first sexual experimentations in the back seat. There's a reason that the drive-in is synonymous with teen-age sex!

What about y'all? Do you have some memories of the drive-in to share?


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

WHO'S GONNA DECIDE FOR YOU?

Do you like using Google as your favorite search engine? Are you happy with your net service provider? Are you ready to pay $$$ on top of what you pay for web access just to send a joke to your friends or a picture of Jr. to Grandma and Aunt Jenny? Congress is fixing to give control of the internet to big business and you know whose interests will come out on top, NOT YOURS OR MINE!

Congress is pushing a law that would abandon the Internet's First Amendment -- a principle called Network Neutrality that prevents companies like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast from deciding which Web sites work best for you -- based on what site pays them the most. Broadband providers such as AT&T, BellSouth and Verizon Communications want to expand from flat pricing and also sell tiers of service based on the speed, reliability and security of the bandwidth used. If the public doesn't speak up now, our elected officials will cave to a multi-million dollar lobbying campaign. For the financial services sector, which is expected to spend $117 billion on information technology this year, tiered pricing could add billions more in expenses to maintain online banking services and other web offerings, according to a memo circulating among financial services lobbyists. Those costs could hit the bottom line or be passed on to customers , in other words US!

Kate over at the Accidental Hedonist has a post that explains the Net Neutrality issue as well as any that I've seen anywhere. She explains things in simple terms that everyone can understand. Check out what Kate has to say and then go write a letter to someone.
SAVE THE INTERNET

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

POLITICALLY CORRECT

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED"
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "

HOW DIRTY MINDED ARE YOU?

Still working, still don't have time to do anything but work and sleep. So I'll just feed y'all a little tidbit now and then to keep you coming back until I have time to really do a little thinking and writing. Hell, who am I fooling, I never think. I just sit at the keyboard and channel the random nothingless that is my mind.



Look closely. Study the picture, what do you see?




Look closely-keep looking....... What do you see?

?

?

?

?

?

Shame on you! This ain't that kinda blog! Well actually it would be if I had the time and energy.......But back to the picture.

Scientific research showed that children can't recognize erotic scenes. Instead they see 9 dolphins.

On the other hand, an adult's mind is rather "corrupted" so an adult person may have problems spotting 9 dolphins at first eye glaze.

If you have trouble spotting dolphins in the first 6 seconds, then your mind is heavily corrupted, and you are seriously obsessed with sex! ...Better go and practice with easier examples.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

FUNNIES









SINGING MEAT

I love this story, but it's been making the rounds of the internet without giving the author proper credit. Go to Terry Bisson's Home Page and find a link to a short film based on "They're Made Out Of Meat". (From OMNI, April 1991 & it was a 1991 Nebula nominee)

THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT
by Terry Bisson

"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."
"So ... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat."
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?""Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."
the end

Friday, May 12, 2006

SACK IT UP AND SET IT OUT!

I know this is two posts in one day, but this last one is a public service announcement. Be sure to read the second post after you fill a bag with canned goods and set it by your mailbox.

On Saturday, May 13th, letter carriers in more than 10,000 cities and towns across America will deliver much more than mail when they walk and drive along their postal routes. They will be picking up donations of food left by mailboxes for the 14th annual National Association of Letter Carriers Food Drive, the largest one day food drive in the nation.

Nearly 1,500 local NALC branches in 50 states, the District of Columbia , Puerto Rico, Guam and the Virgin Islands are involved in the drive.


This is tomorrow people. IN THE MORNING! So go clean out your pantry, you know you can spare a bag of rice, pasta, or dried beans, a can of vegatables, beans or soup. Sack it up and set it out by your mailbox. Make yourself feel good and make a difference in someone's life.
*Please do not include items that have expired or those in glass containers.

Thanks to Patrica for the link.

WEB SERVICE STORIES-STAMP OUT HUNGER
OFFICAL "STAMP OUT HUNGER" SITE


ODDS AND ENDS


VIRGIN BLOGGER ALERT! First thing, y'all go over and say "HI" to Anonymous Jones at her very first blog. I promise that once you visit her, you'll have to go back for more. Ms. Jones is a very funny lady from "Down Under" with a wicked sense of humor and a unique way of looking at life.

After several trial & errors (and a few back and forth comments between the 2 of us), she has installed Blogrolling on her site all by herself. Way to go, Jonesy! Not bad for someone who listed her likes as "NOT COMPUTERS" on her profile. I'm sooo proud of her. An aside to some of the rest of you out there. Yeah, y'all know who you are. Don't pretend that it ain't you! Look at me when I'm talking about to you!! Jonesy did it, I know you can play with your template, too. Dang, that sounds kinda dirty. I'm working too much, I need an off day, my mind is in the gutter and I'm too tired to do anything about it.

I'm still on the outage at work, and so far the powers-that-be have promised that I will get some days off a week from today. Hopefully I'll have a full 7 day break to spend this hefty paycheck in.


At least I'm not in as bad shape physically as I thought that I was. True, I could stand to lose a lot of a few pounds. But even after all this climbing of ladders and stairs, swinging through pipe bridges like Jane of Tarzan fame, lugging around wrenches and buckets full of locks, and straining my guts out turning valves that have stems as long as I am tall---I'm not sore. I go home and pass out on the couch but I'm not achey in the mornings at all. Not bad for an old woman if I do say so myself.

One thing I can say about working shut-downs, you meet all kinds of new folks. Guys freak when a female tells them what to do or they see her using power tools and climbing up into pipe bridges wearing a safety-harness.

Some of them even get a little turned on by it! I can't tell you how many guys years younger than me wanted to get friendly. Maybe I need to spend some of this $$$ on a black leather dominatrix outfit? Naw, I'm way too "pleasing plump" to try to shimmy into something that form-fitting. Besides, they probably just wanted a Sugar Mama and I ain't going there. To repeat what I said in an earlier post "Ain't but one thing wrong with being a Sugar Mama, you can never get your money's worth".