I ONCE WAS A SCIENTIST.......

I was browsing the Internet, doing a little online Christmas shopping, when I started to think back on some of the goodies that I received as a child. Of course I went through my fair share of dolls, tea sets, stuffed animals and costume jewelry; but the gift that stands out in my mind the most was a chemistry set that I received when I was 8 or 9.


It wasn’t like the chemistry sets you see now-a-days. There was nothing plastic or “child-safe” about it. In the bad-old-good-old days there were no recalls, age limits or flame retardant PJs. You played with the thing and hopefully had enough sense to not poke your eye out or blow off a body part that you might need some day.

There were a lot of really big jars containing what would be considered “hazardous”chemicals today. An alcohol burner delighted the pyromaniac in me (to this day I can’t leave a fire along, I have to constantly poke and rearrange it); the scalpels, tweezers, and pliers revealed the innards of many a frog or bug unlucky enough to fall into my Jr. Ms. Frankenstein hands (hey, they gave their lives up for science!). Pond scum (algae for you city folks) is a whole ‘nother universe when viewed under the lens of a microscope, thousands of squiggly critters living a life that I never dreamed existed.


The lovely stink bombs I concocted drove my Mom to fits and my sisters out of the house with tears streaming from their stinging eyes. Burned sulfur has a unique stench that’ll put the healthiest polecat to shame and you wouldn’t believe the colors that different compounds produce when charred over an open flame. Mixing diverse mystery jars resulted in mini-volcanoes that spewed over like a scene out of the movie “The Blob”, taking the finish off Mom’s furniture while multicolored and probably toxic fumes spiraled up to the ceiling.

But what did I care, I was experimenting! I was gonna grow up and make great discoveries, like the cure for cancer or something else equally important; my pubescent brain didn’t go far enough into the future to work out the details. Madame Curie, eat my dust! One of the saddest days in my young life was when my chemical supplies ran out and I couldn’t get my parents to buy more.

What was one of the most memorable gifts you received as a child? Just to make it harder, I’m going to rule out bikes and you had to be age 12 or younger when you got it. So come on, fuss up……. What was the Christmas present that you remember fondly and was extra special in your childhood?


EXTRA CHRISTMAS BONUS: Patty, over at This, That and Froghair ,has posted the link to watch The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause free on the Internet. Thanks Patty.

The site has tons of movies that aren't on cable yet, so browse and enjoy.

CRAFTY CHRISTMAS MEMORIES

Donna talked a little in her last post about how our parents helped us make memories when we were young. I thought I’d share a few of my childhood Christmas recollections with you. I’m sure some of you rich folks, Yankees, city-slickers and “foreigners” will get a kick out of my rural Alabama upbringing.

One of the first things you need to know: Christmas was special for several reasons, not the least of which was the fact that Mom and Dad eloped on Christmas day, just 10 days after they met! But when we were small, that was a non-issue because for our parents, their kids came first.

Dad could never wait until Christmas morning for us to open our presents. 1 minute after midnight, he’d be standing in our bedroom door yelling that Santa had come and gone. 5 little girls would scramble into the living room, indulge in an orgy of paper ripping, and then surge right into fighting over who got the best present, someone always yelling: “Mom, make her leave my stuff alone!” Sibling rivalry would finally die down as the Sand Man caught up with us and Mom & Dad would carry the smaller ones while herding us older kids back to bed.

Mom was a wizard with a sewing machine; most of our clothing, while stylish, was homemade. She could copy any fashion we lusted after no matter if we saw it in magazines, in the stores, or on TV; she even made inch-high felt knee boots for our Barbie dolls.


We usually didn’t see much of Dad, he worked lots of overtime to support all of us; but one year Dad broke his leg bad enough to require 7 pins and a year-long recovery period. Out of boredom, he made Mom show him how to operate her sewing machine. That year we each got a complete wardrobe of custom Dad-Made Barbie-doll clothes. He covertly cut and stitched itty-bitty bits of material for months. I’d come in from school and he’d try to hide all the evidence before we caught on that he was doing “Santa’s job”. It’s amazing now to remember him, his big calloused hands handling those fragile little Barbie dresses. Oh yeah, he did a damn fine job of tailoring those doll clothes, too!


Christmas was Mom’s favorite holiday. When we were younger there wasn’t much $$$ for fancy decorations (although I still have the string of lights from our first tree, damn those things are over 50 years old now!) so we would cut a cedar out of the pasture and make our own frills. More than once I took my preteen self out on horseback with a hatchet, chopped down what I considered to be the perfect tree, tied a piece of bailing twine to it and dragged it back home behind Thunder (my horse).

Crayons were broken out and no matter how laughable our artistic efforts, Mom would help cut them out to hang in a place of honor on the tree. We’d string popcorn, glitter-rize pinecones & gumballs (as well as the floor and each other) and make colorful construction paper chains. Scrap material would be cut, stitched and stuffed to make stars, candy canes, Teddy Bears, Santas and whatever else we could think of. Foil would be crumpled into shiny balls and paper would be folded and refolded in an attempt to cut out snowflake garlands. We had never heard of origami back then, but let me tell you there’s an art to folding a piece of paper so that a few snips will result in a perfect snowflake! Empty tin cans would be washed and have Christmas designs punched in them using a nail, a child’s rural luminary.

We didn’t know we were poor. We lived in a decent home, even if it had an outhouse and a #10 washtub in the kitchen floor for our baths. We never went hungry, we had money for whatever school trip or function came up. We dressed as well or better than anyone else at school (thanks to Mom). True, we didn’t have cable. Hell, cable didn’t even run in our part of the country until 10 or 15 years ago. But we had Mom and Dad and each other, that’s all we needed.

Our imaginations knew no bounds because our parents encouraged us to make our own fun. Kids today don’t even get into the tree trimming thing, but we would spend weeks at a time laboring over our decorations before the tree was even cut. It become a contest, with each of us hiding our projects and competing for the choicest pieces of paper, flannel or satin so we could out-do the other 4. We’d roam the woods looking for pretty red berries or an unusual piece of wood. I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes you can give a child too many material things and not enough of your time and encouragement. When’s the last time you tried to do some kind of handi-craft with a kid?

Donna can carve just about anything out of wood, and both she and Teresa are crafty as hell. Me, I’ve got the imagination but my artistic abilities leave a lot to be desired. All of us can repair, paint and decorate furniture and our homes. But I doubt if any of us would have these gifts if it hadn’t been for our parents’ encouragement and the fact that we were allowed to try to do things for ourselves.

THANKS MOM AND DAD

BACK TO THE OLD GRINDSTONE

Well, the turkey carcasses have all been stripped bare, most of the left-overs recycled and the official Christmas shopping season has started. Damn, I hate trying to shop among holiday crowds with all the rude folks snatching things off the shelves and tossing them in the floor, getting smashed in the shins by shopping cart wielding asshats while dodging unruly kids left to run wild by uncaring parents, and trying in vain to find the perfect gift for folks when I have no idea what they need/prefer/want.


I’m back at work on the 6PM to 6 AM shift; this is the first time in years that I actually had an off day for Thanksgiving. I’ve just checked my schedule and it seems that I won’t get another off day for at least 3 weeks, I work midnights through Monday night, and then start 3 weeks of 12 hour dayshifts on Wednesday (I don’t consider Tuesday an off day since it’s a quick turn-around) so forgive me if I don’t have much blog-worthy material for a while.

I’ll do my best to finish my gift buying and maybe find a gem or two to write about when I get off work in the afternoon, if I can manage to not just go home and pass out. Dayshift does me in, having to get up at 3:30 and all. I'm a night owl, always have been. Maybe I'm part vampire or something but I don't function well in the early morning hours. My best times seems to be from midnight until the sun starts to peek over the horizon.

Hope y'all had a good Thanksgiving; Happy Holidays to all those that I missed either sending an email to or commenting on your blogs. Reading your posts and emails are one of the highlights of my days and I promise that I’ll find time at work to covert blog/read your posts. At least the overtime will cover my Christmas spending.

Who knows, I might even have enough left to take a much needed vacation after the first of the year. Anybody got a spare room; I might need to run away from home for a while to recuperate.......

PS: Go visit Donna as she attempts to gather material to craft a natural Christmas:

my behind was stuck between the two trees, my little short, legs waving inthe air uselessly.

The woman is seriously funny, you'll laugh until you pee your pants!

FAMILY FEAST

Our family Thanksgiving went wonderfully. Everyone ate until they were stuffed; then we all hit the deserts and ate some more (thank the Goddess I wore my new sweat pants!)

The holidays still don't seem right without Mom and Dad there with us, laughing at the kids antics and arbitrating our sibling rivalries. Although we had dinner at the home place, it felt like all of us were still waiting for someone else to show up. You know what I mean, that hollow place where a certain someone should be and isn't. We're working on building new family traditions but it's going to take a little more time before we get it right.

Here we are with Mom's oldest sister, Jean. From the left, Lana, Tina, Me (with the slicked back hairdo), Teresa & Donna. Aunt Jean's health is failing and I'm afraid she won't be with us much longer. Donna goes and checks on her often, takes her meals and out shopping; but Jean lives alone, is basically housebound and don't get out much. It's sad when older people's families don't have time to help them do the little things in life and leave them home alone for days at a time without a way to go or even someone to help them bathe.

When we lose Aunt Jean, it'll almost be like losing Mom again; she and Jean looked so much alike and were really close when they were both alive. Here's Mom and Jean when they were both younger. Weren't they pretty? Look at those smiles! Aunt Jean told me tonight that I looked like Mom and I consider that quite a compliment, Mom was a beautiful woman. I can only hope that I turn out to be half the woman she was. Mom's been gone for years and I still miss her every day.

I was going to get a picture of the feast we has spread but as you can see, the crowd got in the way. The girl in front is Carrie, who is expecting the latest addition to our clan. We've got the 5 sisters, 8 kids and 8 grandchildren among us; then add in the assorted inlaws, outlaws, spouses, fiances and significant others plus another grandchild on the way. Yep, we're working on building our own tribe. Who knows, we may plan on world domination when our numbers get strong enough!

Did I mention that the grandmonsters' were dancing for joy over all the goodies in store for munching? This is one of Donna's grandbabies, ain't he adorable? I predict that he's going to grow up to be a heart breaker, just like his Daddy Duane likes to think he once was! Duane used to be bad about doing those macho man poses and flexing his muscles. Tonight he was chowing down on his Mom's chicken & dressing, all the while complaining that he was developing "love handles".
Speaking of Duane, here he is in the flesh, helping to clean up the party aftermath. Nothing like a man with a vacuum, VOOM Baby! OH.......I just have to mention that at the trailer plant where he works, Duane was voted "BEST ASS AT CAVALIER". Sorry girls, his wife won't let him pose nude! Dang, Donna turned out some good looking sons.

Hope you all have a good Thanksgiving, that there are no family feuds, and no one gets food poisoning. Remember to wear your stretchy pants.......

THANKSGIVING

Pots are simmering, the oven is heating up the kitchen and the smell of sautéing onions, peppers and garlic are perfuming the house. Yep, it’s time for the annual Thanksgiving cook-off. I’ve got my family dinner this afternoon and Sweet Thang’s family feast is tomorrow. I believe that I’ll wear my stretchy pants and pig out both days.

I’ve got a brown sugar ham and my world famous baked beans in the oven. The recipe is easy, simple to make in either a small or a huge batch, and everyone loves my beans, even the kids!

JUNEBUGG'S BAKED BEANS

Equal measures pork & beans and browned hamburger (well drained)
Good amount of catsup
Healthy squirt of mustard
Chopped & Sautéed onions, bell peppers (any color) & garlic
Black Pepper to taste

Mix and bake until hot all the way through (all ingredients are already cooked) and eat!

I spent all yesterday and most of last night Christmas shopping, I’m not finished but the bulk of my gift buying is done. Presents are wrapped and scattered all over the living room floor, now I’ve to worry about the tree. I never know how many off days I’ll get between now and then so I have to get an early start.

Let the festivities begin!

WEEKEND

I had a great time this weekend! Sweet Thang showed up at the door with gourmet sugarless chocolates (he was thinking of my blood sugar, not my waistline) and a mushy birthday card. Then it was off for a wonderful full course Italian dinner; Steak Gorgonzola, Chicken Marsala, an extremely nice bottle of wine, and finished off with espresso and tiramisu. I ate so much that I had to waddle out to the car!

After dinner we went to the mall where we walked around holding hands, giving our meal time to digest before time for Casino Royale to start. This is the very best James Bond since Sean Connery . The movie is action packed and you get to see Daniel Craig naked! Damn, he’s a pretty thing, just the ticket to get my moter reved up, for a little,er, extracurricular activity

Then it was home for a little snuggling and some passionate smooching and a whole lot of loving. I’ll leave the details to y'alls imagination but believe me, I went to sleep one happy & satisfied female.

The next morning was a late pancake brunch, several pots of coffee and back to bed for some more fooling around which lasted the rest of the day. Needless to say, I went to sleep happy and satisfied again.

Hope y’all had a good weekend, I know I did.

THEY LIKE ME, THEY REALLY REALLY LIKE ME!

A big "Thank You" to everyone for the many birthday wishes, emails, cards and especially to the 2 wonderful women who send me a little something in the mail (Y'all know who you are).

When I started blogging I never imagined that my circle of friends would expand so much or actually extend to the other side of the world! I feel blessed to have been able to have y'all in my life. I'm a lucky lady and knowing all of you have made my life much richer.

I may be out of pocket for the weekend, Sweet Thang works off midnight shift Saturday morning and has promised me a weekend of belated birthday celebrations (Woo Hoo! I'm even gonna shave my legs in anticipation). I'll report back when I can but y'all just remember, some things are gonna remain private!

OLDER THAN DIRT

If I get a cake today, there will be so many birthday candles it'll cause a bonfire!
Getting older's not my idea of a great time but it sure beats the alternative.

People claim that when you pass 50 you're:

But I'm not an old woman, I'm a Sexy Senior Senior Citizen, damn it!

51

ain't that bad,

maybe I'll go and get another tattoo.

IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS.......

Thunder & lighting woke me up at 3 AM, good thing because the clock was flashing as the power flickered on and off. Dressing in the dark ain't no fun.

I made it to work on time and was soooo proud of myself for not oversleeping until I went to the lady's room ~~~~~~~ my damn underwear was on inside out and backwards.

I'm glad I didn't wear my thongs!

I'M NO ANGEL BUT.......

I’m sure most of you have seen the Angel Trees that pop up everywhere this time every year. We have one here at work and every year I pick out several of the kids to buy for. I’ve been blessed with a decent job and I figure that the least I can do is make some child’s Christmas a little merrier.

I have to confess that I read over the tags before choosing. I tend to skip over the ones asking for DVDs and video games. The little devils can buy their own rap CDs and video games, I ain’t their Mama! I know that such things are what the kids really want but I don’t consider them needs. I tend to go for the ones that ask for something essential and then add a little something extra; like this one:

JADE
Girl age 7
Wants: Panties & Socks

See, this little angel (or more likely her Mother) wants undies; something that we all need and most of us take for granted. Can you imagine not having any socks or drawers? I’ll go and have a blast picking out something frilly & feminine like maybe PowerPuff Girls Panties and then add a toy like a baby doll or maybe a cute little purse. (I have to admit that after having a son and a grandson I get a kick out of shopping for a little girl).

I’ve also got Natasha (age 8) who wants gym shoes, Tanyi (age 14) who needs jeans and Deavence (age 4) who needs a coat/jacket. I’ll buy the requested items and stick in a little bonus that hopefully will bring a smile Christmas morning. Maybe these youngsters will enjoy opening their presents as much as I did buying them.

To me, other than spending time with family, this is what Christmas is all about. Making a child’s eyes light up, giving the little ones another year where Santa Clause is alive and well, and letting the older ones know that just because their family isn’t rich doesn’t mean that they count for less than anyone else.

I know everyone can’t afford to do a lot for others, but even so, do what you can. Somewhere out there is a small child hoping that Santa hasn’t forgotten him/her and you can give Jolly Old Saint Nick a helping hand.

Now all together y'all:
HO HO HO

BRRRRRRRRRR

I walked outside this morning to discover that Mr. Jack Frost dropped by overnight and bestowed our first hard frost of the year. The trees are still clothed in russet colored leaves but they were shiny with a glaze of ice, my windshield was opaque with frost and the hounds were all huddled together for body warmth. It’s the first morning that they didn’t knock me down with greetings; all I got this AM was a few of them poking their doggy snouts out of their house to make sure it was me and not some burglar. The temps are still in the low 30s which I know doesn’t sound all that cold for November to most of y’all but it was in the high 70s just 2 days ago!

All this changing weather makes it hard to know how to dress. I’ve pulled out my winter stuff and dang if lots of my warmer attire hasn’t gotten snug since last year. My bedroom is now covered with piles of clothing in several different sleeve lengths and multiple sizes. I’d love to claim that my shirts and long johns were magically shrunk by Evil Elves while packed away but I know that my expanding waistline/arse/tits are more to blame than any fictional pixie. Guess I’ll have to go on a much dreaded diet.

Those of you who have visited this blog for a while know that awhile back my Dr. got on me about my BMI, blood sugar/pressure and several other things ending up with her sending me to Nutrition Class at the local hospital. I’d do well for a while then fall off the diet wagon; finding the time and motivation for daily exercise fell by the wayside in the time crunch of regular life until I just gave up and reverted back to my evil ways. I’m not in good shape; just not in such bad shape that I can’t manage to do most anything that I want including hiking in the mountains. But all this fat lard fluff is catching up with me, I’m slower and have to take more rest stops that every before and my feet hurt for the first time.

Guess I need to buckle down and try to exercise a little willpower in the food department plus get my fat derriere out of the chair and moving farther than the ‘fridge on a regular basis. I’m not looking forward to it, this is a bad time of year for trying to diet, what with my birthday next Thursday & then Thanksgiving and Christmas falling in the next few weeks. Plus I’m weak; my willpower leaves much to be desired. I love to cook and good food is one of my joys in life.

I’ve tried, I really have. I’ve got tons of diet cookbooks but most diet fare doesn’t have the mouth feel of the real thing. Plus I’m supposed to eat low fat/low carb, that doesn’t leave much that I can have; I’m even restricted on fruit. But it seems like that I don’t have a choice, it’s either live a life of dull food and more exercise or live a much shorter life altogether.

Guess I better "gird up my loins" or whatever platitude is apt and get used to doing without juicy steaks, hamburgers, baked potatoes, risotto, biscuits or yeast rolls. 3 ounces of baked fish or chicken with no sauce a day is all the meat that I’m allowed on my prescribed diet. No soy, cauliflower, broccoli or any member of the cabbage because of my underactive thyroid. Damn, now I know why they call them

DIE-iTS.

KITTY HEAVEN

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats,dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

HUG SOMEONE TODAY

Sweet Thang and I spent all yesterday afternoon at the hospital keeping his Dad company in the waiting room while his Mother underwent heart surgery. Her artery, the one called the "Widowmaker", was 99% blocked. The hard-headed female had been having chest pains all weekend but didn't tell anyone until it got so bad she couldn't take it anymore. She's going to be OK, but it was close. She just recently had colon surgery and suffered from a massive infection after that.

I felt so sorry for them all. It's only been a year since my Dad passed, and Mom passed the year before. This time of year, with Thanksgiving and Christmas bringing families together, reminds me of all I've lost and how the holidays will never be the same.

Go hug your loved ones right now, and tell them how much they mean to you while you have the chance. You never know what's going to happen or when you'll never have the chance again.

MEEZE

I found this wonderful site where you can make animated gravitars of yourself or whoever. It's free but you do have to register before you can get the codes and export your image. Then whenever you go and change your Meeze (you can change backgrounds, clothes, hair-dos, animations, just about everything) where ever you have your Meeze will automatically change, too. Whatever image you have saved at the website is what appears where you place the code.

How's this for me at work? I haven't figured out how to change the body shape but I'm sure having fun trying!

Well, what do ya think? I never had any artistic abilties so this is right up my alley.

I LOVE DIXIE

We Southerners love poking fun at everyone, ourselves included. "I Love Dixie" is a recent find and I've really enjoyed getting these cartoons in my email.


To subscribe to "I Love Dixie" where "Ike and Henry, the strip’s main characters, seek to put-a-whuppin’ on the mean-spirited, inaccurate image that has been sold to large sections of the nation regarding the good folks from the South" and get your cartoon fix emailed to ya, go to their webite and sign up. While you're there check out the links to blogs and cool things to buy.

WAKE ME WHEN IT'S OVER

I overslept this morning, for the second day in a row!

The first time I had a good excuse, when I set the alarm I accidentally set it for PM instead of AM. Honest mistake, could happen to anyone, right? I'm sure you've all done the vary same thing at least once. But the second time was my own fault.

3:30 AM the local rock station blasted at full volume causing me to pop from under the covers like a Jack-in-the-box wearing a bad imitation of
Phyllis Diller bedhead. (Guys, real women don't wake up looking well coiffed and radiant like those women in the ads on TV, at least none of the females I know. Remember, commericals lie)

I peered at the glowing numbers of the clock (I'm blind as a bat without my specs, ya know or then again, maybe you didn't.....), slapped the aggravating thing into submission & snuggled back under the covers telling myself "Five more minutes".

BIG MISTAKE!

When I woke up again it was 5:45 and I'm usually at work at or before 5! Talk about an Adrenalin rush! I sprinted from the bedroom with my shoes in one hand and my pants in the other, scaring the hell out of the cats (I don't think they've ever seem me move that fast). Thank the Goddess for baseball caps, because they are the only thing that will tame wild hair when you don't have time to shampoo.

I get dressed at record speed and am trying to brush my teeth & run around searching for the cordless phone so I can call in to work, all without falling over the cats who are winding around my feet demanding to be fed; but when I find the phone the battery is dead, thank you 31- year-old son of mine who can't put things where they belong. {{{{{{{breath}}}}}}}}}}}

At last I'm semi-presentable and head out the door, yelling and cussing as I dodge the 10 dogs on the carport who are banging against my legs, jumping on me (big dogs!) & also demanding to be fed. "Sorry Boys and Girls, Mama's late and I'll feed you later, it's not like you're starving, you pot-bellied gluttons". I get in the car, carefully back out so as to not flatten any wayward k-nine who is stupid enough to get in my way and leave black marks as I take off. I have plans to break all my speed records for the 23 mile drive to the paper mill.

Have you ever noticed that when you're in a real hurry-

I mean when time is of the essence and you just have to be somewhere YESTERDAY-

that you always get behind the slowest drivers in the world with no way to pass? I travel a two-lane highway that swoops & swerves as it winds down Courtland mountain. I fumed and fussed as I tailgated dwaddling farm trucks and lumbering log haulers around blind curves & glared at the clock that kept reminding how late I was going to be. At last I got to the foot of the mountain, pass the drag-asses who have driven me nearly to the point of madness; almost there; then I come to the train crossing.

The Choo-Choo is sitting on my left, sitting still but it's right at the spot that triggers the crossing guards. Both candy-stripped arms lower, hover for about 5 minutes, raise up and just as my foot leaves the brake pedal they fall again. It's like the damn things are daring me! Flapping it's guards like waving a red cape in front of an enraged bull! I watch for a few minutes, get my timing right and dart past. HA, you thought you'd crunch my car, didn't you you stupid mechanical asshole!

I made it the rest of the way safely and have been picked on the rest of the day with offers of Wake-Up Calls and several more to spend the night "just so you'll wake up on time". Considering that I'm the only female, we all know where that was going........................

One more day, I have to get up early one more day. I'm on vacation next week. Think I might just hibernate for a day or so.........................................

DAMNED EMAILS

I got this the other day, and damn it it ain't true!

To all of you:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I look bad enough already.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

New Study: A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

LAND BARON

This is the property that I've inherited from my parents, yep even the trees are mine! After I finish buying out one of the sisters I'll own the grand total of 41 acres, not counting the 2 acres where I live now. I don't have a shot of my pond but it's in a valley where it doesn't show. Check it out y'all, I've got a Ponderosa!

Look at the sky, it's blowing up a storm. It flooded the night after these pictures were taken.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Damn, I even scare myself!

Hope y'all have a happy and safe Halloween & that you get lots more treats than tricks.

DEVILS NIGHT

HAPPY DEVILS NIGHT Y'ALL.

I'd never heard of Devils Night until recently. For those of you who didn't know either, Devils Night is always October 30, the day before Halloween and has always involved acts of criminal behavior. I've TPed a yard or two in my time, even tossed a couple of eggs (now's there's a fine of $50 per egg if you get caught). However, not to hurt anyone's feelings or anything but some of those folks up North have taken Devils Night to a whole 'nother level and resorted to outright arson.

After reading the definition and how it started I can see why it never caught on here in the South. Our motto is "Good Food, Good Friends & Good Times". We're mostly laid back and want nothing more than to have fun, maybe indulge in a few bad habits & if you're really lucky, be involved in a little hanky-panky.

The hell with burning down houses, we Southerners just wanta have a good time and get laid.

I did lots of Google searches and found nothing I wanted to post about Devils Night but I did find a poem here:

DEVIL'S NIGHT

Don't go out on Devil's Night.
Stay in your bed and keep on the light.
Little demons and ghouls have their fun all right,
outside on the streets this Devil's Night.

You don't want to know what mischief they cause.
On Halloween Eve they run without pause,
flying and laughing, and breaking the laws,
you really don't want to see the mischief they've caused.

Please heed my words, stay under the covers,
and tell your friends and your sisters, and of course your brothers.
Stay in bed, don't even peek through the shutters,
'cause a goblin or ghost may spook you to stutters.

Just wait until daybreak on Halloween Day,
when you know all the ghouls and ghosts are away.
They hate the daylight, "it's no fun," they say.
So just please, please wait to Trick or Treat on Halloween Day.

ZIPLOCK OMELETTE

How cool is a recipe where you don't have to wash dishes! This came from the Men in Aprons blog (where they show pictures of the actually "boil in the bag" process) and was pointed out on the Hungry Girl site.
NOTE: one of the site commenters said you have to use a freezer bag. I haven't tried it yet so I guess we'll all have to experiment.
PSS: Jackie Sue, the good ole boy who runs the Men in Aprons is from TEXAS!

And now, it's time for an entry into .. TALES OF THE WEIRD! Did you know you can make an omelette in ziploc bag? It's true, my friends. No omlette pan, no flipping, no breaking. Just pure and simple egg goodness. There's not even a need to get out a bowl to beat the eggs in. Of course, if you're like me, you enjoy breaking out the omelette pan and trying to master the flip

.

Ingredients
- 2 eggs
- Your choice of add-ins (ham, bacon, onions, peppers, cheese, hash browns, etc.)

Set a large pot of water to boil. Meanwhile, crack the eggs into the bag, and shake to combine them. Put in your ingredients and shake gently to combine.
Before placing the bag in the boiling water, make sure to get the air out of the bag and zip it up. Place the bags into rolling, boiling water for exactly 13 minutes. You can usually cook 6-8 omelets in a large pot.
Open the bags and the omelet will roll out easily. Be prepared to be amazed.

EMPTY BED BLUES

On the way home this morning I sat at a railroad crossing, admiring the multicolored tags of anonymous Graffiti artists that adorned boxcars and tankers as they flickered in and out of my high beams. The car rocked and swayed in a buffeting wind as if I were riding the rails myself. Russet leaves swirled and skittered by, sometimes hanging for a moment on windshield wipers that swiped at a chilly drizzling rain, and the flashing red of the crossing lights made the moment seen almost surreal like something out of the Twilight Zone.

Thoughts of lounging on high thread-count sheets were running through my mind when the soulful voice of Sheba Potts-Wright ("I Need A Cowboy To Ride My Pony", "Slow Rolling") drifting from the speakers reminded me that silky sheets were all that waited for me. Damn, it's cuddle-up weather and there's no hunk of warm man-flesh waiting at the house! I usually revel in the freedom of my singleton status but nothing beats shared body heat on a cold and dreary day.

But I can wait for Tuesday, when both Sweet Thang and I have a day off. Ah well, I can always dream a little dream until the real Sweet Thang graces my empty bed.......

SAY HOWDY

I want Y'all to all go over to Jules and say Hi (ain't she pretty!). She's a wonderful lady who had a run of bad luck a while back (two trees fell on her house!) and is just now getting back into blogging. She deserves to get a little blog traffic to welcome her back to the Blogsphere.

Tell her Junebugg sent ya!

PS. I'm fine after my fall from grace, turns out that the only thing badly bruised was my ego.

IS MY FACE RED?

I've never been what you would call graceful. My name and the words "Poetry in motion" have never been mentioned in the same sentence, and for good reason. I stride instead of glide and the few times I've attempted to dance it looked more like a spastic being electrocuted than Ginger Rogers tripping the light fantastic. Maybe that's why I was never any good at sports, no coordination (plus the fact that I don’t always play well with others).

OK, so now you have the picture of a klutzy stumbling bumbling Junebugg in your mind. Add to that equation an all day shopping excursion wearing a brand new pair of slick-soled, high-heeled cowboy boots fresh out of the box.

Can you see where this scenario is headed? Come on, it doesn't take that much imagination. That's right. I fell, TWICE. In the Mall and AGAIN in Wal-Mart. And no, I wasn't drinking, thank you very much.

You would think, considering how much padding I'm endowed with, that I would bounce like a super ball, but noooooo. My butt didn't hit the floor, I landed on my right knee both times. Did you know that those stores are built on concrete slabs? A knee cap doesn't have any padding, and bone slamming against concrete while being propelled by the body of a falling plus sized female creates quite a smack.

I did manage to hang on to all my bags of loot but I know I looked funny as hell with my ass stuck up in the air (no wise cracks about my best side being up). Luckily each time we were leaving the store when I attempted to plant my face in the floor, so I didn't have to deal with the embarrassment of the many bystanders who witnessed my fall from grace following me around, constantly asking me if I was alright.

My knee cap is now missing a bit of skin, plus both my right thigh, the left side of my neck and shoulder, and my lower back are aching just a bit. I'll live, but I expect to be more than a little tender in those areas when I roll out of bed in the morning. I can't wait to see the size and color variations of the bruises I know will develop over night.

It could have been worse; I could have broken something and not been able to get up & make my escape. I can see it now, me lying there in the floor like a beached whale, surrounded by my sexy new lace thongs and what-nots, the crowd of gawkers growing larger by the minute, while someone calls an ambulance so even more people can learn that I can't walk and talk at the same time.

I think I'll take an aspirin or three and go to bed.

TUESDAY'S TALES

I'm struggling for something to write about, nothing much going on around my little portion of Moulton.

The sisters and I spent Sunday going through our parents personal effects, trying to divide things up where no one feels left out or slighted (not easy with 5 women). I'm glad to say that things went well and there was no mayhem, ugly words or bloodshed. I brought home tons of old pictures but my scanner died so I can't share any of them right now (gotta buy a new one some day). I went and applied for a loan to buy out one of the sisters' share of the family's 80 acres. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with almost 40 acres but I'm sure I'll think of something.

Karen and I spent today shopping in Florence and I got the Oriental inspired tunic at the left. Classy looking, isn't it. I figure it'll be good for a dressy event that I don't want to actually wear a skirt to and I love the Asian look. The satin is really sensuous next to my skin,plus it's really forgiving of the extra padding I seem to have picked up in the last few years (damn gravity and Father Time!) The older I get the harder it is to try to stay in shape, but HEY round is a shape! I just wish it was red and black instead, red is soooo my color!

I've spent almost every night watching horror movies, one of the best things about this time of year. The Lost Boys, all the Halloween movies, Skeleton Key, Cursed, and tons more. Tonight I've been sitting in front of the TV giving myself a pedicure, my toe nails are now Vampire Red (red/black, the color of dried blood) . I'm trying to get myself in the Halloween mood and I figured I'd try the extreme color on my toes before I got brave enough to vamp out my finger nails where every one and their brother can see this fat-ass old woman trying to act vampy.

Nite y'all, it's getting late and I've got a comfortable bed and a good book calling my name.

BIKERS FOR BABIES 2006

At last, I'm posting the long awaited 2006 March of Dimes Bikers for Babies pictures. Sorry it took so long, I have no good excuse and I'm too lazy to make one up. As usual, if you wanta see a bigger version just click on the picture.

I took tons of pictures in the Barber Vintage Motorsports Museum but I'm only going to post a few. If you're interested, the site has a wonderful slide show that I highly recommend.

No snide comments about me and Sweet Thang's du-rags, after several hours wearing a helmet, your hair is smooshed flat and needs covered up so you don't scare small children!



This sculpture is out front of the museum. Isn't it wonderful! And the men are naked (the pic on the website shows full-frontal!)

Muscle Shoals, Alabama has enjoyed a long and successful music tradition and BLACKLAND is another band that is putting Fame studio on the map. They kicked butt in Leeds with Rock & Roll featuring bold guitar playing and blues driven vocals.

I'm not sure what that smirk means, I kinda caught him unaware. I forgot to make him put sunscreen on his face and you see a little pink, but the next day he was bright red and a day after that he was peeling. Hey, he's a grown man and it wasn't my pay to take care of him! I put my sunscreen on!!
All those female riders made me lust after a bike of my own, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. As much as I love to ride I hate to spend that much on something that I can't use all year round. I'll just continue to ride behind Sweet Thang and save my $$$ for fancy vacations and exotic shoes.

TELL ME~~~~~~~~~

Would you rather be lucky OR good?

~How come?~

{For you yankees, that means explain why}