GOOD FRIDAY FISHING

HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY, Y'ALL!

I worked off midnights this morning, came home and made breakfast for the troops. Then Drennon (the grandson) and I went out and dug up a coffee can full of worms. We were going fishing!

Chane, Drennon, and I loaded up and went to my parents' farm and spent all day fishing in the stock pond. It's full of bream, most of them small, but as soon as you toss a hook in the bobber (or cork for you Yankees) will take off. Kids don't care how big the fish is as long as they catch a lot of them. We stopped counting at 50 something and that's just the ones that Drennon caught.

No fish were harmed in this story, all were caught and released but I'm afraid that none of the worms survived.






What is it with worms and little boys? Why do they always love creepy crawly things?


















Drennon shows how to cast. That's my niece Brittany in the background.












We made Brittany bait her own hook. She was "Yuck! Worm Guts" but she wanted to fish bad enough to tough it out. "If you're old enough to fish, you're old enough to bait your own hook and take the fish off the line by yourself", one of my Mom's favorite quotes .












Reel it in boy! Don't let it get away! Looks like Drennon hooked a monster, or at least a guppy.


Drennon & Brittany show off some of the day's catch.

This Quinn, my nephew, on the left, and my sister Teresa, his mother, on the right.







Don't you just love the pose here! Drennon insisted on wearing those clunky rubber boots. I don't see how he kept from burning up, it was 87 degrees today.













Nothing beats a little quality Father & Son time. I grew up fishing with my Mom and sisters. Some of my best memories are of her sitting on the bank watching a bobber while we talked about anything and everything. I hope that we're building memories that turn out half as good for Drennon to think back on once he's grown.

BOOBILICIOUS T-SHIRT

I 'm working the midnight shift (6 P.M. to 6 A.M.) so I sleep all day. When I woke up this afternoon and stumbled out of the shower (which explains the wet-head and fresh scrubbed face look), I found that the postman had delivered this Booblicious T-Shirt from Chicken aka NonGirlfriend who resides all the way over in the great state of Texas.

No, I do not sleep in the shower!! I just don't function well until I stand under the shower for a while, which means that I crawl out from the bed and blindly make my way to the tub where I try to get at least half my brain synapses before I attempt anything complicated like operating the Mr. Coffee.

For those of you who are near sighted but still interested, what's printed across the front of the shirt is:
NONGIRLFRIEND
IT'S MORE FUN THIS WAY
Thank you Chicken! The rest of y'all can eat your hearts out, this shirt is mine all mine.

Big Boobs run in my family. All 5 of us girls were cursed that way, and yes it is a curse. My sister Donna did a hilarious post a while back about it in To Boob or Not to Boob. I quote:

"the Tittie Fairy, that fictional nymph of some otherworldly beginnings who flitters around with one broken wing, a bent halo and a crooked wand, bestowing burgeoning mammary glands to innocent female children in the dead of night while they dream of ways to get even with mean little boys"

Y'all ought'a go over and read the whole thing, I promise that Donna's writing make you laugh out loud!! And it'll make all you small breasted women think twice about getting a boob job.

Chicken, once again,Thank You.

WHAT NOT TO TEACH

Why is it that every time Alabama hits the national news, it makes us look bad?

As you probably know, President Bush is the target of a new "Google bomb" where he's labeled an "Asshole" in a vulgar filmstrip that pops up when the word Asshole is entered into the popular search engine, but have y'all heard about Steve White of West Limestone High School in Lester, Alabama (who also happens to be running for the District 4 seat in the Alabama House of Representatives & is a Democrat from Athens) showing his 8th grade class the slide show about Bush. (Links to news articles)


Here's the slide show in question. Watch it and see what you think. The filmstrip opens with black and white clips of war and what appears to be the Great Depression. Then it shows color photos of President George Bush and his cabinet with profane captions under his picture while the song "Asshole" by the Boston-area band Big Jim's Ego plays in the background.



I agree that a teacher has no business showing this to students and should be disciplined. School is the wrong forum for politics and the 8th grade is a little too young to be indoctrinated. I'd bet a months pay that it didn't show anything that they haven't already seen or done, but that's beside the point. White was just plain wrong and that's a fact.

Why the heck couldn't that dang teacher been a Yankee? Those trailor trash fools making idiots of themselves for 5 minutes of fame on Jerry Springer make Southerners look bad enough!

Technorati Tags: Alabama, Bush+Film, Politics, Steve+White, Alabama+Teacher, Google+Bomb, Asshole+Slideshow,

HIGHER EDUCATION

DB has requested everyone to go visit him and give your responses to several questions/statements for a research paper he's developing for class. He promises not to use any names in his paper and you don't have to be a US citizen to reply.

Now's your chance to give your opinion on lots of social items like immigration, equal rights and equal pay, discrimination, US politics and even who killed JFK. There are no wrong or right answers, it's your thoughts and feelings that count.

Go visit and while you're there, take the time to scan some of the other readers' answers. I promise it'll make for some though provoking reading.

SOLOMON'S DECISION

Never Never Never volunteer to be the executor of your parents' estate ESPECIALY if there’s not an existing will! You can never satisfy everyone no matter how hard you try. You're responsible for all the financial aspects of the deal like lawyer’s fees and court costs that have to be paid up front. All this means that no matter what you do, you're the referee and all decisions are wrong, plus your checkbook gets a hefty workout.

I've been back and forth between family pow-wows, lawyer's offices, surveyor's offices and we're just getting started. Some (one in particular) want nothing but money of which there is none, and others want land which has to be surveyed and divided. But how to divide it? There are 80 acres with limited road frontage and two houses to be divided between 5 of us.

Actually, so far we've done fairly well. No one has pulled anyone else's hair out and the name calling hasn’t started yet. We all want to be fair (at least the majority of us do), but there’s no way to do this without someone getting a few dollars worth more than someone else. Greed is an ugly emotion and I'm scared to death that this will wreck our family. When was the last time that YOU saw 5 women agree on anything this big?

Wish us luck and say a little prayer to whatever Deity you favor because it looks like we're going to need all the help we can get.

As you were. Rant over. I feel better now.

CHICKEN AND EGG FESTIVAL

Last night's storm front kinda put a damper on our day, but the crowds were still out in force. The temps were down in the 50s and mud puddles abounded, to the delight of all the kids who splashed and stomped up a storm (pun intended). They had to cancel the hot air balloon, the wind was still whipping pretty good, but there was still plenty to do.

Here you see a little boy bowling with a frozen chicken. He got a spare and a prize. We might see him on TV bowling for dollars one day.


These lovely ladies are doing the Chicken Dance (and no, I didn't do any dancing. I've got 2 left feet and no rhythm at all!)

This is Nugget, the festival mascot.

Here are some banners from some of the Bar-B-Que cook-off contestants. Don't you just love their names!



I might have to steal this one!







There were bikers everywhere, they rode in on the Chicken Run Bike Ride.


This club is Bikers Against Child Abuse

















I told you the wind was up. Here's a pic of a Wild Haired Junebugg













Of course, you can't have a RedNeck Event without NasCars




I don't think I'm going to hang around to see Dr. Hook, it's too darn cold! I've got a warm man to cuddle with, and he can do a lot more for me than the Dr. can!

And finally, a pic of the T-shirts that I scored!

SHOPPING & STORMS

I spent yesterday loafing around Decatur with my sister Teresa, starting with a leisurely lunch on the outside patio of the Market Street Cafe & Deli. We had the perfect day for it, sunny with a mild breeze, and the view of the Tennessee River from our table was wonderful. So was the cute young waiter who brought our orders and cocktails, and we both tipped him accordingly.

Afterward we went on a mild shopping spree where I bought several pairs of really cute shoes that I needed like I need another hole in the head. I couldn't help it, I have a shoe fetish. Now I need another closet just for my footwear.

Did I mention that I took vacation days Sat and Sun for the Chicken & Egg Festival? Now the weatherman is trying to screw me over with this headline: Forecaster: Threat of tornadoes, hail today. Let's hope I don't get blown away and all the clouds are gone by in the morning, I'd hate to waste a vacation day.

The radio is shouting gloom and doom, keep fresh batteries in your flashlights and radios, go to a safe place, yada yada yada. BUT I'm at work, so I don't get the luxury of laying low in a storm cellar listening to the radio. Y'all keep your fingers crossed and I'll let you know how "she blows"later.

Technorati Tags: Shopping, Market Street Cafe & Deli, Chicken & Egg Festival, Moulton

WEEKEND PLANS

For the love of whatever or whoever it is that you love, go to Miss Jay's and help poor Jason out. His balls have gone into hiding and need moral support to come out to play. Miss Jay misses them terribly and has asked for your help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just did a quick turn around. For you folks who've been lucky enough to have never worked shift work, this means that I got off work at 6 A.M. yesterday and had to be back at 6 A.M. this morning. Needless to say, I'm not at peak performance level

All is not lost, though. I took this coming Saturday and Sunday off to go to our first festival of the year, Moulton's 2nd Annual Chicken & Egg Festival.

This year the headline star is Alabama native Dr. Hook aka Ray Sawyer.
For those of you too young to remember, Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show were once described by Rolling Stone as the "clown princes of Seventies Pop."(I graduated high school in 1974, this is my generation of music)

Known as much for their crazy onstage behavior as for a solid string of 1970s chart-toppers, among their zany antics the band once dressed up as glitter rockers and played the opening act to their own headlining show totally unbeknownst to the audience.

Co-fronted by founding member Ray Sawyer (dubbed "Dr. Hook" for his trademark eye-patch), the band spent more than ten years on the music charts, earning thirty-five gold and platinum records for country-rock hits that included "Cover of the Rolling Stone," "Sylvia's Mother," "Once Sixteen" and "Sharing the Night Together."

As you can see he's aged just a tad in the past few years, but none of us escapes Father Time. Of course, Ray never was what you would call a "hunk" but the man sure can sing.

We'll also be listening to award-winning blues artist Willie King plus there's a Battle of the bands featuring:

Blackeyed Blonde - Classic Rock
Victim - classic/Modern/Southern Blues
Boochie Shepherd - Soft Alternative Rock
Render - Alternative/Metal/Blues Mix
6th Hour - Contemporary Christian Rock
The Cycle - Punk/Alternative
The Great Unwashed - Progressive Rock .

The Weather Channel is calling for a chance of rain this weekend, but I hope they're wrong. I heard that someone will be giving hot air balloon rides and that's something I've never tried. I may have to get me a bird's eye view of the goings on. It never pays to pass up an opportunity and I've always been a little bit of an Adrenaline Junkie.

I'm going to start applying self-tanner tonight so I'll look as decent as a 50 year old woman can in shorts. Y'all come on out and spend the day with us, I'll even buy you a plate of hot wings.

FYI: Born and raised in Mobile Alabama, Ray Sawyer got his first job as a professional musician at 14, playing drums with a local band. His own style was indelibly marked by the amalgam of black and white Southern music that kept Alabama dance halls hopping. "When you play Mobile, you play either country or Rhythm and Blues, though down there they are just about the same thing," Sawyer explains.
He got his trademark eye patch following a 1967 automobile accident that left him without his right eye and kept him in a wheel chair for a year. When he was back on his feet, Sawyer hit out for Los Angeles, working his way back east where the core of Dr Hook was formed in time to record Shel Silversteins score to the Dustin Hoffman film "Who is Harry Kellerman and Why is he saying these terrible things about me?"

Technorati Tags: Dr. Hook, Moulton, Chicken & Egg Festival

Mongolian VD

You guys might want to skip this one ;-}
~~~~~~~~~~~~
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous, and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later, and the doctor says,"I've got bad news for you, ... You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare,and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot, or something, and fix me up, Doc!"

The doctor answers, ... "I'm sorry, there's no known cure, we're going to have to amputate your penis!"

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies,"Well, it's your choice, go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease!"

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that,but, what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate, and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs,"Stupid American doctor, always want to operate, make more money that way, no need to operate!"

"The man replies,"Oh, Thank God!"

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry, wait two weeks, Fall off by itself, You save money!"

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HUH"

Look and see if your birth month describes you.

JANUARY - Stubborn. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Never looks at people's flaws or weaknesses. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tense. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Loving and loyal. Loves children. Has great social abilities. Money cautious, can budget successfully.

FEBRUARY - Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy.. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH - Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decor. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL - Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY - Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE - Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite. Has lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitates, tends to put things off. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Makes friends easily. Shows character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Easily bored. Fussy and stubborn. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious.

JULY - Fun to be with. Secretive. Sometimes, difficult to understand. Quiet unless excited or tense. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation for hard work. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly, but not always approachable. Emotionally temperamental. Moody and easily hurt. Witty. Not mean or revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and illogical things. Sensitive and forms friendships carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Broods about the past and misses old friends. Quiet, homey person. Has difficulty making new friends. Prone to having dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST - Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER - Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Stubborn. Quiet. Uncomfortable if have to talk to a group. Calm. Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Secretive. Loves sports and leisure. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships.

OCTOBER - Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Sexy. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making new friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Day dreamer. Loyal. Opinionated. Does not care what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Honest, does not pretend. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER - Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homey. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions.

DECEMBER - Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short-tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical

I'm November and dang if this doesn't get close, except it left out "hold's grudges" and I'm a little bit talkative. How do you measure up?

FOOTBALL FAUX PAS

This was actually on TV...The commentators paused and didn't say a word...

Arkansas Razorback players Clarke Moore, Brett Goode and Casey Dick need to stop hanging out on the sidelines!

Do you think this is what the cheerleaders are looking for? Go Team Go!

Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

THE BATTLE TO BAN BIRTH CONTROL

There I was, happily following links from DB to Becky to Miss Bliss , spreading birthday wishes and semi-good cheer, when out of the blue I was shocked when I stumbled across this article from Salon.com:

The battle to ban birth control

Using bogus health facts to scare women about the "dangers" of contraception, a fledgling movement fights for a culture in which sex = procreation.
By Priya Jain

....Mary Worthington ....To spread her anti-birth-control gospel, this month she launched No Room for Contraception, a clearinghouse for arguments and personal testimonials on this subject. NRFC joins other anti-contraception Web sites like Quiverfull and One More Soul.

....She is also vehemently opposed to abortion. But NRFC doesn't even address abortion; its sole purpose is to "prove" that the pill and the IUD cause health problems and destroy women's fertility, that condoms lead to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases by making people believe that sex can be completely safe, that contraception destroys marriages by rendering sex an act of pleasure rather than one of procreation". Emboldened by the fact that the president and the two most recent Supreme Court nominees are anti-choice, a recent antiabortion victory in South Dakota, and legislative success restricting access to emergency contraception, groups like NRFC are shifting their focus and resources away from abortion and putting their energy into restricting birth control.

Still, the anti-birth-control movement's efforts are making a significant political impact: Supporters have pressured insurance companies to refuse coverage of contraception, lobbied for "conscience clause" laws to protect pharmacists from having to dispense birth control, and are redefining the very meaning of pregnancy to classify certain contraceptive methods as abortion (link to full length 5 page article, hope it works)

This is some scary stuff! Talk about Americans losing their rights. Go, read, leave comments. There are links to blog articles and letters and comments about this movement.

I'm shocked at how many people are in support of this atrocity of a movement. What happened to the bond between a man and a woman? When did married love become evil? Are we headed back to the Puritan days when it was a sin to laugh or be happy or to hold hands? Will we be seeing stocks in the public square waiting for some sinner to be put on public display?

Also go check out The War on Women: A Modest Proposal at TENNESSEE GUERILLA WOMEN where you can get your Red Burka T-Shirt..



Technorati Tags: The Battle To Ban Birth Control, Salon.com, Loss of Freedom, Reproductive Rights, Priya Jain, Mary Worthington

PROWLING THE PARK

In line with my new found healthy ambitions, I've taken to haunting the trails at Moulton's H. A. Alexander Park. While by no means huge, the park is nice. It has several baseball diamonds, tennis courts, a rec center complete with handball courts (as accident prone as I am, I don't dare try handball) and a mile and a half long figure 8 walking track that winds around the sports areas & through a large stand of woods, complete with an arched footbridge over a bubbling stream filled with fish. When you walk squirrels bark at you and the birds are everywhere, chirping and tweeting and dropping guano bombs on unsuspecting pedestrians. I'll try to remember to take my camera one day and share some of the local sights.


It's also a good place to people watch. There's one woman who RUNS while pushing a baby carriage. This gal gets up enough speed to cause the infant's hair to blow straight back, resulting in a kid with perpetually wind-blown hair (it'll probably grow up to be a super model or something. The kid, not the hair. Well, maybe both as they seem to be attached).

While I admire anyone who has the physical ability to run at all, much less does it while pushing something else, I get tired of her steadily lapping my slowly plodding fat ass. I'm fighting an inner demon who keeps whispering in my ear: "Trip her! Just stick out your foot and watch her fall. It'll be funny, you'll laugh, and the kid's too young to tell on you". Trouble is, I know I can't outrun the hussy and unless she breaks a leg, in the immortal words of Ricky Ricardo, I'd "Have some 'splaining to do".

I've also noticed loads of Senior Citizens walking every day. The Ladies dress in matching outfits and walk in gangs of at least 4, while the Gentlemen wear just about anything from sweats to overalls and usually walk alone. Another difference, the women walk fast! The Grannies have perfectly coiffed hair, step out with their heads high, their chests thrust out (I'm guessing to disguise the effects of age and gravity), their arms swinging, and talking a mile a minute while their heads constantly swivel. These women don't miss a thing. Nothing escapes their gaze or gossip. The men, on the other hand, usually shuffle along slowly, their shoulders hunched and their eyes on the ground in front of them.


In the wild, females usually hang out in packs or herds or whatever while the unattached males are solitary. Are people the same way?

Is the park the new place to pick up a date if one is a Sexy Senior Citizen? Are the women hunting in packs? Do the men keep their heads down and eyes on the ground in fear?

Is there a new mating ritual that I need to know about? Hell, I'm 50 NOW! I might be in the market to meet some old codger one day soon if Sweet Thang don't work out. Someone somewhere needs to tell me these things!

And explain to me why those last few paragraphs sounds like something out of Sex and The City?

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously...

Nuggets of wisdom from a twisted point of view:

1. Save the Whales.... Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like... Night.
3. On the other hand... You have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright ..... Until you hear them speak.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous... Tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in Psycho-Kinesis? Raise my hand.
23. Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
34. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

BATTLING FATHER TIME & HUMAN NATURE

OK, I'll confess. I'm on a health kick and in a battle with Father Time. I'm 50 now, and neither side of my family is long lived. Hell, my maternal Grandfather died of a massive heart attack at the ripe old age of 33. Mom was in her late 60's and Dad was mid-70's when they passed away, so I gotta get with the program if I want to hang around long enough to be a feisty little old lady. I already have an under-active thyroid, pre-diabetic syndrome, and high blood pressure, so the cards are stacked against me from the start.

I haven't smoked in several weeks. Well, I did cheat a time or two but damn it, I'm trying. Smoking is one of the hardest things to give up that I know of. Wish me luck, I stopped once for 6 months but then family shit hit the fan and down I went. Let's hope I have more will power this time. I know I walked the floor last night, peeking into cabinets and the 'fridge, when I really wanted to smoke, not eat.

I visited Gloria's Good Health today and loaded up. I've got Pau d'Arco tea, Rooibos Tea (Red Bush Tea), Evening Primrose Oil (Oenothera biennis L.) and various vitamins. I don't know about the Pau d'Arco and Red Bush teas, but I took Evening Primrose before and my skin and hair was the healthiest they had ever been. I ran out of pills and never bought anymore. I know, I procrastinate too much. I'm trying to do better.

I've also gotta shed a few pounds. Actually more than a few, but I'll settle for a few now and work my way up down in time. Which means I need to get off my more-than-ample hindquarters and put a few miles on the old tennis shoes. Thank God the days are getting longer, because I didn't have time to do anything much all winter.

This IS NOT going to become a weight loss blog, that'd be too boring. I just wanted to put it out there so I won't have any reason to backslide. If everyone knows, I'd feel much more guilty. I know that doesn't make any sense but it's different if someone besides me knows that I messed up.

So now I've 'fessed up and you all know that I'm trying to do better. Place your bets now and we'll see how I do. Karen is going to be my coach, cheerleader and tormenter. I believe that she's looking forward to chewing me out when if I backslide.

CAR WASH

Don't go to the new car wash on University!!!!!!!!

I had to have them re-wash my car 3 times......they kept

missing spots.......

Such incompetence.......

SUNDAY SUMPIN'S

*Nongirlfriend is writing the "Single and Childless" column of the new webzine "Estella's Revenge". Y'all keep watch and cheer her and all the other writers on (the columns include one by a witch and another by a guy). Update your blogrolls now, next month is the first time we get more than just introductions.

*I'm watching a Ron White aka "Tater Salad" special on TV. The title of the show is as true a statement as I've ever heard:
"THERE AIN'T NO CURE FOR STUPID"

*All I've done all weekend is cook, eat, and lay around with Sweet Thang. Everyone needs a little down-time and TLC.

*Speaking of stupid: Be careful who you're seen in public with. A local woman caught her two-timing feller out with another woman at a service station just down the road from my house. She proceeded to T-bone the cheating hussy against a dumpster with her car, then get out and punch and kick the shit out of the victim. The hussy is in ICU with broken bones and internal bleeding and might not live, while the offended girlfriend is in jail waiting to see if she gets charged with assault or murder. Who said small towns don't have local entertainment? Personally, I don't think any man is worth it. But if I had to run over anyone, it woulda been him! Reckon who he's the most concerned about, his jailed girlfriend or his critically injured mistress?

How Do These People Survive?

How many of these people do you know?

ONE... Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO... I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE... A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR... I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE... Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX... I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


SEVEN... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"


EIGHT... Police in Radnor, PA interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


NINE... A mother called 911 very worried. She asked the dispatcher if she needed to take her kid to the emergency room because the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher told her to give the kid some Benadryl and that he should be fine The mother then said, "I just gave him some ant killer...." Dispatcher: "Rush him to the Emergency Room!"


Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

PERILI-DICK-SION

You guys sure get in a lot of trouble with those little things!

Man severs own penis, throws it at officers
Before the cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them -- his penis

Pencil in penis backfires
A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after sticking a pencil inside his penis to keep it stiff during sex.


Snapping turtle bit boy's penis
Police divers are hunting a snapping turtle that bit a 15-year-old boy on the penis in an alpine lake.

Angry wife cuts off her husband’s private parts
.........he told inquisitive police that his wife Rungnapa Pong-Aree, 32, had sliced off his penis in a fit of rage and ran off.

Testicles gone in 'wrong op'
Pretoria - "We performed the wrong operation on you, we didn't look at your folder," a doctor is alleged to have told an aged man whose testicles had been removed instead of his prostate gland.

Rugby fan cut off his own testicles
A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles after his team beat England, police confirmed today.

SPOTTED DICK OR HUNTER'S BUNS, ANYONE?

One of my Blogroll favorites is the food blog, Accidental Hedonist. Kate Hopkins not only gives great recipies, she tickles the funny bone as well. This entry had me giggling like a little girl. I know everyone makes fun of the way Southerners talk, but really folks, a dessert called "Spotted Dick"?

FROM ACCIDENTAL HEDONIST:
"The following list comes from the wonderfully silly book Gastronaut, by Stefan Gates. In this book, he poses the theory that British Food is looked down upon, not because the food is bad, but rather because of the rather unfortunate names.
Consider the following (and points will be given to those who can describe each dish and/or food product).
Aberdeen Nips
Beef Cecils
Black Pudding
Bubble and Squeak
Clapshot
Cullen Skink
Dean's Cream
Fitless Cock
Flummery
Girdle Sponges
Hob Nobs
Huffkins
Hunter's Buns
Love in Disguise
Inky Pinky
Knickerbocker Glory
Marmite
Priddy Oggies
Scouse
Singing Hinnies
Slot
Spotted Dick
Toad-in-the-hole
Wet Nelly
Wow-Wow Sauce
Let it be known that I am a fan of some British foods (although, for the life of me I don't understand the desire for Heinz peas or Baked beans). I've eaten several of the above items, and have enjoyed all of them.
But the names? When comparing two dishes, one named Mousse au chocolat and one named Spotted Dick, which sounds more appetizing? Are there any theories as to why British foods are named the way they are?"
Technorati Tags: Foods, British Foods, Food Names

OOOs & AHs

*I got this comment on this post:
Anonymous said...
I googled to find this as I heard it read on an AM station in CO and was curious what the whole thing was about :)Very funny!
3/22/2006 1:31 PM
I always knew I'd be infamous!

*Blogger is being a bitch. It wouldn't let me log in yesterday, but kept telling me to republish and to check Blogger Status. How the hell can I do that if I can't log in?? I had some great stuff to say, too, but I've forgotten it all now. (Oldtimes Disease, I guess) I feel like some guy tweaked my nipples and then said "Not Now". Damn tease!

*Heard this on the way to work this morning. I don't like rap, but I love this part of the lyrics
LYRICS: LOSE CONTROL
I've got a cute face
Chubby waist
Thick legs in shape
Rump shakin both wayz
Make u do a double take
(MISSY ELLIOTT (f/ Ciara, Fatman Scoop)

*Why is it when I'm trying to watch the one show on TV that I love the most ("BONES" on Fox) the telephone rings, people pound on the door, and other household members won't shut the hell up? I don't ask much people, and I pay the cable bill. One hour a week ain't too much to ask, is it?

*If I can get out of here this evening without getting hijacked, I'll have 7 whole days off.

TAGGED - 6 THINGS

Junebug (no, another Junebug, spelled with 1 g and from the great state of Texas) 'tagged' me, so now I gotta write down six (6) things/facts about myself that most people don't know and then choose six (6) people to 'tag'. I've already written so much about myself that this won't be easy.

1. I once worked for Uncle Sam. Yep, I had a security clearance and everything. I'd tell you what I did, but then I'd have to kill you. Just goes to show you that you never know who's watching you......

2. When I was young I wanted to be an paleo anthropologist, but then I found out that I had to go to school forever and would never make much money. So much for that, I'm a greedy bitch.

3. I was reading 1st grade books at the age of 4. That was the start of my life long love of reading and the reason that there are books piled on every flat surface in my house.

4. I took gymnastics in school many years and several pounds ago and I was actually pretty good at it. Wish I was still that limber. And that skinny.

5. I have a fascination with fire. Nothings more fun than a bonfire and I can't keep myself from poking and prodding and stirring one up. Good thing, because with all the trees around my place I have a never ending supply of leaves and fallen limbs.

6. I love to cook, it's one of things that relaxes me. Slicing and dicing and making up my own recipes is therapeutic. I hardly ever measure anything. I actually zone out in front of the Food Network until my son complains that he wants to watch a real show.

So now you know a little more about me. I'm not tagging anyone else, Y'all can play if you want.

CLEAVAGE ENTERS GOVERNOR'S RACE

Well folks, it looks like the people of Alabama has something new to talk about. We've got a woman running for governor and she ain't no prim and proper Southern Belle!


Loretta Nall's blog is titled "U.S. Marijuana Party" and I do believe she's the first candidate for governor who has publicly admitted that she doesn't wear panties and to top that off, she admits to smoking pot! Blue Gal goes into detail about the uproar Ms. Nall's picture showing cleavage has caused in Alabama. Columnist Bob Ingram states:

"In 55 years of political writing, that was a first for me-a picture in my column of a woman displaying cleavage. I can only hope that my mother...and I know for a fact where she ended in the after life...didn't see that column. She wouldn't have approved of that picture."

Nall answered here, but in part said:

"Now that you and the rest of Alabama have been introduced to the twins perhaps you would like to meet the rest of me. I'll don my burka so y'all won't be offended and then perhaps we can discuss the other planks in my platform since
you only covered one."

Hey, I'll vote for this woman! With a platform that includes drug policy and prison reform, repealing gun control laws, tax credits for private & home school families, non-compliance with the Patriot and REAL ID Acts, the Iraq War and Alabama sovereignty over the state militia, states rights, separation of state and church, fair taxes, gambling, ballot access reform, ballot initiative and referendum and bio-diesel what's not to vote for! And she's a damn sight prettier than any other governor we've ever had.

And what's wrong with a little cleavage? Of course, this is Alabama. To give you an idea what Ms. Nall is up against, her brother is in prison for alcohol related offenses and she was not allowed to visit him because in spite of wearing pants, she was not wearing panties underneath. Going commando is apparently enough in Alabama to get you kicked outta prison.

Go here for some great links and pictures including the Laretta Nall Show on Pot TV. Click on the picture to enlarge.

I'M A WHAT?

Which mythical creature resides in your soul? (11 Results + Pictures)

GRYPHON

You are the gryphon! A gryphon is a large creature that is half lion and half eage with immense feathery wings. A gryphon is very fierce and loyal; however, a gryphon also symbolizes independence and freedom. The gryphon is actually multi-facted. The lion half represents ultimate courage, honor, and loyalty. The eagle half stands for independence, freedom, and justice.
Take this quiz!

SISTERS

After a long while my sister Donna is posting again. She's been battling depression and some family issues for a while now, and I'm glad to see her back. She's almost housebound with bad health, bad knees and several other things. Before the depression hit a new low, Donna was writing some wonderful posts about our childhood and family.

She's always saying that she doesn't get many comments, so I want everyone who swings by here to go and say HI even if you don't leave a comment here. I wouldn't complain if you sent others to see Donna. The girl needs a little ego boosting, some TLC , and a good swift kick in the pants to get her writing again. It's a waste of talent, she's a much better writer than me.

So help a Big Sister out and go yell at Donna for me.

BOOGER IN BLOGGER

As you can see, Blogger is trying to come back, but is still having problems. Maybe soon this blog will stay up but for now either it's a blank page (in which case you wouldn't be reading this) or just parts of posts appear and my sidebar is still out there in Cyber Space. Blogger promises that they're on the problem. We'll see, so far it's been 2 whole days.

There is a Blogger Group on Google that has given me more information than anything else. It also has tips on customizing your template from people who have blogs, not just techs sitting somehere at work, and tons of other stuff. But I just wanta be able to see my blog!

Blogger Status page states:

The filer that we have been having trouble with in the last few days failed again. Those blogs that are stored on the bad filer are temporarily not available for publishing and viewing. We are working on replacing the filer and restoring access to the blogs affected.

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY

Top of The Morning to ya'. May the luck of the Irish be with you.


A horny young leprechaun lad
Craved sex and he wanted some bad
Saw Erin go bra-less
He cried "Oh ga-ga, Yes!
But still came up short, which is sad

MAXINE

Nothings going on but work and sleep. I've got nada, not one single witty antidote to share. But because I adore all of you so much I can't bear to leave you empty handed, I'll let you ponder on the wisdom of Maxine, she's my heroine!

HUNKA HUNKA BURNING LOVE

I'm a hard working woman. I put in tons of overtime at the factory.I don't have time to keep up with all the dusting, cooking, dish washing, laundry etc. etc. that need doing around my little Ponderosa.

So I want, nay, I DESERVE one of these. Can anyone please tell me where I can find one of these Hunk Around The House? Are they only in Jolly Old England or is there an American version?

Sniff! Even the damn calender is sold out!

STUPID CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAME

I've been reading over at The Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame and laughing my, er, derriere, off. Check it out, here's a small sample.

A couple was out camping in their motor home. They came back after a walk & things didn't look quite right around their motor home. So they took a look around. They found a man in the bushes that had just vomited everywhere. What happened was the guy had tried to siphon gas from the motor home, but
instead got the holding tank.

An elderly woman spent a leisurely shopping at the mall. Upon return to her vehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. Frightened, the woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not get out of the car, she would shoot. The four men ran off quickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key, however, would not fit. The woman realized that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She drove to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a hijacking by a mean old lady; no charges were filed.

There's tons more on the site. I swear,I haven't laughed this much in a long time. And they say crime doesn't pay. Heck, it got them on the web!

HOW STRESSED ARE YOU?

Take some to time to look at each picture. Really study them. What do you see?






One teacher said, "I felt like they were all moving...but slowly.
Kind of like, they were breathing."

The pictures attached are used to test the level of stress a person can
handle.

The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling
stress.

Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly;
however, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.

None of these images are animated - they are perfectly still...

SOJOURNER TRUTH

I had forgotten that this was Women's History Month until I dropped by Meritt's blog. She had posted this quote by Sojourner Truth and I stole borrowed it. Sojourner Truth was a former slave, abolitionist, preacher and advocate of women's rights. The narrative of her life as told to Olive Gilbert can be found with the stories of other wonderful women at the digital library, A Celebration of Women Writers.



~by Sojourner Truth in 1851~
Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about?

That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?

Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.

Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say.


Technorati Tags: Sojourner Truth, Women's History Month, History, Women+Writers, Digital Library, Digital Media