WAKE ME WHEN IT'S OVER

I overslept this morning, for the second day in a row!

The first time I had a good excuse, when I set the alarm I accidentally set it for PM instead of AM. Honest mistake, could happen to anyone, right? I'm sure you've all done the vary same thing at least once. But the second time was my own fault.

3:30 AM the local rock station blasted at full volume causing me to pop from under the covers like a Jack-in-the-box wearing a bad imitation of
Phyllis Diller bedhead. (Guys, real women don't wake up looking well coiffed and radiant like those women in the ads on TV, at least none of the females I know. Remember, commericals lie)

I peered at the glowing numbers of the clock (I'm blind as a bat without my specs, ya know or then again, maybe you didn't.....), slapped the aggravating thing into submission & snuggled back under the covers telling myself "Five more minutes".

BIG MISTAKE!

When I woke up again it was 5:45 and I'm usually at work at or before 5! Talk about an Adrenalin rush! I sprinted from the bedroom with my shoes in one hand and my pants in the other, scaring the hell out of the cats (I don't think they've ever seem me move that fast). Thank the Goddess for baseball caps, because they are the only thing that will tame wild hair when you don't have time to shampoo.

I get dressed at record speed and am trying to brush my teeth & run around searching for the cordless phone so I can call in to work, all without falling over the cats who are winding around my feet demanding to be fed; but when I find the phone the battery is dead, thank you 31- year-old son of mine who can't put things where they belong. {{{{{{{breath}}}}}}}}}}}

At last I'm semi-presentable and head out the door, yelling and cussing as I dodge the 10 dogs on the carport who are banging against my legs, jumping on me (big dogs!) & also demanding to be fed. "Sorry Boys and Girls, Mama's late and I'll feed you later, it's not like you're starving, you pot-bellied gluttons". I get in the car, carefully back out so as to not flatten any wayward k-nine who is stupid enough to get in my way and leave black marks as I take off. I have plans to break all my speed records for the 23 mile drive to the paper mill.

Have you ever noticed that when you're in a real hurry-

I mean when time is of the essence and you just have to be somewhere YESTERDAY-

that you always get behind the slowest drivers in the world with no way to pass? I travel a two-lane highway that swoops & swerves as it winds down Courtland mountain. I fumed and fussed as I tailgated dwaddling farm trucks and lumbering log haulers around blind curves & glared at the clock that kept reminding how late I was going to be. At last I got to the foot of the mountain, pass the drag-asses who have driven me nearly to the point of madness; almost there; then I come to the train crossing.

The Choo-Choo is sitting on my left, sitting still but it's right at the spot that triggers the crossing guards. Both candy-stripped arms lower, hover for about 5 minutes, raise up and just as my foot leaves the brake pedal they fall again. It's like the damn things are daring me! Flapping it's guards like waving a red cape in front of an enraged bull! I watch for a few minutes, get my timing right and dart past. HA, you thought you'd crunch my car, didn't you you stupid mechanical asshole!

I made it the rest of the way safely and have been picked on the rest of the day with offers of Wake-Up Calls and several more to spend the night "just so you'll wake up on time". Considering that I'm the only female, we all know where that was going........................

One more day, I have to get up early one more day. I'm on vacation next week. Think I might just hibernate for a day or so.........................................

DAMNED EMAILS

I got this the other day, and damn it it ain't true!

To all of you:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I look bad enough already.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

New Study: A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

LAND BARON

This is the property that I've inherited from my parents, yep even the trees are mine! After I finish buying out one of the sisters I'll own the grand total of 41 acres, not counting the 2 acres where I live now. I don't have a shot of my pond but it's in a valley where it doesn't show. Check it out y'all, I've got a Ponderosa!

Look at the sky, it's blowing up a storm. It flooded the night after these pictures were taken.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Damn, I even scare myself!

Hope y'all have a happy and safe Halloween & that you get lots more treats than tricks.

DEVILS NIGHT

HAPPY DEVILS NIGHT Y'ALL.

I'd never heard of Devils Night until recently. For those of you who didn't know either, Devils Night is always October 30, the day before Halloween and has always involved acts of criminal behavior. I've TPed a yard or two in my time, even tossed a couple of eggs (now's there's a fine of $50 per egg if you get caught). However, not to hurt anyone's feelings or anything but some of those folks up North have taken Devils Night to a whole 'nother level and resorted to outright arson.

After reading the definition and how it started I can see why it never caught on here in the South. Our motto is "Good Food, Good Friends & Good Times". We're mostly laid back and want nothing more than to have fun, maybe indulge in a few bad habits & if you're really lucky, be involved in a little hanky-panky.

The hell with burning down houses, we Southerners just wanta have a good time and get laid.

I did lots of Google searches and found nothing I wanted to post about Devils Night but I did find a poem here:

DEVIL'S NIGHT

Don't go out on Devil's Night.
Stay in your bed and keep on the light.
Little demons and ghouls have their fun all right,
outside on the streets this Devil's Night.

You don't want to know what mischief they cause.
On Halloween Eve they run without pause,
flying and laughing, and breaking the laws,
you really don't want to see the mischief they've caused.

Please heed my words, stay under the covers,
and tell your friends and your sisters, and of course your brothers.
Stay in bed, don't even peek through the shutters,
'cause a goblin or ghost may spook you to stutters.

Just wait until daybreak on Halloween Day,
when you know all the ghouls and ghosts are away.
They hate the daylight, "it's no fun," they say.
So just please, please wait to Trick or Treat on Halloween Day.

ZIPLOCK OMELETTE

How cool is a recipe where you don't have to wash dishes! This came from the Men in Aprons blog (where they show pictures of the actually "boil in the bag" process) and was pointed out on the Hungry Girl site.
NOTE: one of the site commenters said you have to use a freezer bag. I haven't tried it yet so I guess we'll all have to experiment.
PSS: Jackie Sue, the good ole boy who runs the Men in Aprons is from TEXAS!

And now, it's time for an entry into .. TALES OF THE WEIRD! Did you know you can make an omelette in ziploc bag? It's true, my friends. No omlette pan, no flipping, no breaking. Just pure and simple egg goodness. There's not even a need to get out a bowl to beat the eggs in. Of course, if you're like me, you enjoy breaking out the omelette pan and trying to master the flip

.

Ingredients
- 2 eggs
- Your choice of add-ins (ham, bacon, onions, peppers, cheese, hash browns, etc.)

Set a large pot of water to boil. Meanwhile, crack the eggs into the bag, and shake to combine them. Put in your ingredients and shake gently to combine.
Before placing the bag in the boiling water, make sure to get the air out of the bag and zip it up. Place the bags into rolling, boiling water for exactly 13 minutes. You can usually cook 6-8 omelets in a large pot.
Open the bags and the omelet will roll out easily. Be prepared to be amazed.

EMPTY BED BLUES

On the way home this morning I sat at a railroad crossing, admiring the multicolored tags of anonymous Graffiti artists that adorned boxcars and tankers as they flickered in and out of my high beams. The car rocked and swayed in a buffeting wind as if I were riding the rails myself. Russet leaves swirled and skittered by, sometimes hanging for a moment on windshield wipers that swiped at a chilly drizzling rain, and the flashing red of the crossing lights made the moment seen almost surreal like something out of the Twilight Zone.

Thoughts of lounging on high thread-count sheets were running through my mind when the soulful voice of Sheba Potts-Wright ("I Need A Cowboy To Ride My Pony", "Slow Rolling") drifting from the speakers reminded me that silky sheets were all that waited for me. Damn, it's cuddle-up weather and there's no hunk of warm man-flesh waiting at the house! I usually revel in the freedom of my singleton status but nothing beats shared body heat on a cold and dreary day.

But I can wait for Tuesday, when both Sweet Thang and I have a day off. Ah well, I can always dream a little dream until the real Sweet Thang graces my empty bed.......

SAY HOWDY

I want Y'all to all go over to Jules and say Hi (ain't she pretty!). She's a wonderful lady who had a run of bad luck a while back (two trees fell on her house!) and is just now getting back into blogging. She deserves to get a little blog traffic to welcome her back to the Blogsphere.

Tell her Junebugg sent ya!

PS. I'm fine after my fall from grace, turns out that the only thing badly bruised was my ego.

IS MY FACE RED?

I've never been what you would call graceful. My name and the words "Poetry in motion" have never been mentioned in the same sentence, and for good reason. I stride instead of glide and the few times I've attempted to dance it looked more like a spastic being electrocuted than Ginger Rogers tripping the light fantastic. Maybe that's why I was never any good at sports, no coordination (plus the fact that I don’t always play well with others).

OK, so now you have the picture of a klutzy stumbling bumbling Junebugg in your mind. Add to that equation an all day shopping excursion wearing a brand new pair of slick-soled, high-heeled cowboy boots fresh out of the box.

Can you see where this scenario is headed? Come on, it doesn't take that much imagination. That's right. I fell, TWICE. In the Mall and AGAIN in Wal-Mart. And no, I wasn't drinking, thank you very much.

You would think, considering how much padding I'm endowed with, that I would bounce like a super ball, but noooooo. My butt didn't hit the floor, I landed on my right knee both times. Did you know that those stores are built on concrete slabs? A knee cap doesn't have any padding, and bone slamming against concrete while being propelled by the body of a falling plus sized female creates quite a smack.

I did manage to hang on to all my bags of loot but I know I looked funny as hell with my ass stuck up in the air (no wise cracks about my best side being up). Luckily each time we were leaving the store when I attempted to plant my face in the floor, so I didn't have to deal with the embarrassment of the many bystanders who witnessed my fall from grace following me around, constantly asking me if I was alright.

My knee cap is now missing a bit of skin, plus both my right thigh, the left side of my neck and shoulder, and my lower back are aching just a bit. I'll live, but I expect to be more than a little tender in those areas when I roll out of bed in the morning. I can't wait to see the size and color variations of the bruises I know will develop over night.

It could have been worse; I could have broken something and not been able to get up & make my escape. I can see it now, me lying there in the floor like a beached whale, surrounded by my sexy new lace thongs and what-nots, the crowd of gawkers growing larger by the minute, while someone calls an ambulance so even more people can learn that I can't walk and talk at the same time.

I think I'll take an aspirin or three and go to bed.

TUESDAY'S TALES

I'm struggling for something to write about, nothing much going on around my little portion of Moulton.

The sisters and I spent Sunday going through our parents personal effects, trying to divide things up where no one feels left out or slighted (not easy with 5 women). I'm glad to say that things went well and there was no mayhem, ugly words or bloodshed. I brought home tons of old pictures but my scanner died so I can't share any of them right now (gotta buy a new one some day). I went and applied for a loan to buy out one of the sisters' share of the family's 80 acres. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with almost 40 acres but I'm sure I'll think of something.

Karen and I spent today shopping in Florence and I got the Oriental inspired tunic at the left. Classy looking, isn't it. I figure it'll be good for a dressy event that I don't want to actually wear a skirt to and I love the Asian look. The satin is really sensuous next to my skin,plus it's really forgiving of the extra padding I seem to have picked up in the last few years (damn gravity and Father Time!) The older I get the harder it is to try to stay in shape, but HEY round is a shape! I just wish it was red and black instead, red is soooo my color!

I've spent almost every night watching horror movies, one of the best things about this time of year. The Lost Boys, all the Halloween movies, Skeleton Key, Cursed, and tons more. Tonight I've been sitting in front of the TV giving myself a pedicure, my toe nails are now Vampire Red (red/black, the color of dried blood) . I'm trying to get myself in the Halloween mood and I figured I'd try the extreme color on my toes before I got brave enough to vamp out my finger nails where every one and their brother can see this fat-ass old woman trying to act vampy.

Nite y'all, it's getting late and I've got a comfortable bed and a good book calling my name.

BIKERS FOR BABIES 2006

At last, I'm posting the long awaited 2006 March of Dimes Bikers for Babies pictures. Sorry it took so long, I have no good excuse and I'm too lazy to make one up. As usual, if you wanta see a bigger version just click on the picture.

I took tons of pictures in the Barber Vintage Motorsports Museum but I'm only going to post a few. If you're interested, the site has a wonderful slide show that I highly recommend.

No snide comments about me and Sweet Thang's du-rags, after several hours wearing a helmet, your hair is smooshed flat and needs covered up so you don't scare small children!



This sculpture is out front of the museum. Isn't it wonderful! And the men are naked (the pic on the website shows full-frontal!)

Muscle Shoals, Alabama has enjoyed a long and successful music tradition and BLACKLAND is another band that is putting Fame studio on the map. They kicked butt in Leeds with Rock & Roll featuring bold guitar playing and blues driven vocals.

I'm not sure what that smirk means, I kinda caught him unaware. I forgot to make him put sunscreen on his face and you see a little pink, but the next day he was bright red and a day after that he was peeling. Hey, he's a grown man and it wasn't my pay to take care of him! I put my sunscreen on!!
All those female riders made me lust after a bike of my own, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. As much as I love to ride I hate to spend that much on something that I can't use all year round. I'll just continue to ride behind Sweet Thang and save my $$$ for fancy vacations and exotic shoes.

TELL ME~~~~~~~~~

Would you rather be lucky OR good?

~How come?~

{For you yankees, that means explain why}

TEST FOR DEMENTIA

It's that time of year to take our annual test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?













Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on; In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What! was the name of the bus driver ?





















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions

ODDS & ENDS

I've got nothing to blog about that doesn't involve others, and I'm not even going there. So I'm doing a very first ever Monday list.

1. Tonight starts ABC's 13 NIGHTS OF HORROR, a regular Halloween tradition. Movies range from The Sixth Sense to Scooby Doo-Monsters Unleashed, definitely something for everyone. Plus there are some kid-friendly downloads and such if you're interested.

2. Speaking of Halloween, here are some more freebies, like stationary, screen savers and sound effects.

3. Windows Live' OneCare has come up with a way to remotely help out a friend infected with those darn 'puter cooties (Sorry JackieSue, you both gotta have Windows Live messenger for it to work)

Are you the one your friends and family call when they need help with their PC? Hang up the phone. With our scanner and Windows Live Messenger, remotely diagnosing and fixing everything from viruses to hard-disk fragmentation just got a whole lot easier and faster.

4. StarPulse is the place to go to see movie trailers for movies past and present plus music videos. They're arranged alphabetically and even manage to slide by our work-place censors!

Well, I'm at work and there are buzzers going off and alarm lights flashing plus folks yelling on the radio and every phone in the room is ringing off the hook. Guess I better go and pretend that I know what I'm doing.............................

DAD-GUM TECHNOLOGY

I've been wrestling with this dang 'puter for TWO WHOLE DAYS! But after a small stomping-my-feet session, a little hair pulling, making some ugly faces and a whole lot of cuss words, Junebugg came out on top. I ain't a-scared of no piece of plastic and wires and whatever else is in this blasted hunk of electronics.

The demon machine "lost" the CD-ROM drive. Well, it wasn't lost, the drive showed fine in my device manager except for an error code 39, but every time I went to burn or read a disc the thing went nuts and swore to me that the CD-ROM was missing {my 'puter must be male, they're usually the ones who lie to me}.

Thankfully, I found an automatic gizmo on Microsoft.com that whipped that puppy right into shape! Something about upper and lower filters or some such techie-shit. I swear they made this stuff hard for normal people to understand on purpose.

My Dell Jukebox went ape-shit, too. Every time I went to listen to a few jams, the thing would freeze up and I'd be ready to take a ball bat to the monitor before it would close. Hey, I'm a Scorpio, I don't give up that easily! I got the Jukebox fixed by doing an uninstall/reinstall several times and deleting a folder or two. Thank the Goddess for online help and forums.

Damn, I'm getting good at all this do-it-yourself 'puter stuff {puffs out more-than-ample chest and pats self on back, which is hard to do too!}

SEX ON MARS

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"JUST HOW DO YOU GUYS DO IT" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"



"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

FOUND AT LOLLYGAGGING

Hey, this one hit kinda close to the mark!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

TAKE ME BACK TO THE SIXTIES

Turn up your speakers, sit back, watch & listen. Man, I wish I had the soundtrack to this little video!

TAKE ME BACK TO THE SIXTIES

BIKERS FOR BABIES

First and foremost .................. I just want to state for the record that:
I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN Y'ALL!
I give y'all a prime opening like "polishing his Fat Boy"and didn't get not one single solitary nasty, snide, pun-laden comment about it! Here I thought that I had gathered a fine upstanding readership, each one equipped with a twisted, warped, raunchy, slightly-off-center sense of humor to match my own and yet y'all let an opportunity like that go by ........................ I just don't know what to say. Maybe it was the thought of frost bitten nipples that threw you off?

Anywho, the ride was wonderful. All body parts survived except for a few assorted aches & pains and Sweet Thang's face is so sunburned that it looks like he's about medium rare (of course it's my fault, I forgot to remind him that you need sunscreen even if you feel like icecicles are hanging off your mustache). When we left the house at 7 AM it was bitterly cold on the back of that bike, but by the time we left Huntsville at 9 AM the temps has hit the 50s and it was fairly comfortable, me being decked out in black leather and wearing longjohns. Yep, I was practically gift wrapped but I WAS WARM!

I carried one of those disposable cameras, so Y'all gotta wait for me to get the film developed before you see any pictures. The group we rode with from Huntsville numbered 250 some odd bikes. We were riding toward the front of the pack and when you looked in the review mirror you could see bike headlights stretching for miles down the mountain. It was beautiful, I would have loved to have gotten pictures but it's hard to do from the back of a moving Harley.

The meet was at the Barber Motorsports Park in Leeds, Al. The Barber Vintage Motorsport Museum was awesome and damn it's big, with 5 stories of vintage race cars and motorcycles from all over the world. I highly recommend that you visit if you ever get the chance. I promise that you'll walk around going "OOOOO" and "AAAAHHHH"; but I warn ya, you'll have to drag any male partner out when you're done.

We even had the chance to ride several laps around the twisty-turny racetrack where the curves are slanted at breath-taking angles. It was a blast and I only had to thump Sweet Thang upside the helmet once (well, maybe twice) for trying to fly-like-a-bat out of hell around those hairpin curves with me hanging on behind him. I do believe it was the threat of making him sleep alone (aka send his ass back to his house) if we survived that slowed him down, I know his skull is too thick for my banging on his helmet to make a difference! All he kept saying was "I was only doing 75 MPH!" but I swear you would met yourself, those turns were so sharp!

The curve's too sharp and you're going too fast when the damn foot pegs are scraping sparks off the pavement!
There was a local Muscle Shoals rock band, Blackground (can't find their website), who made the trip down and entertained everyone with live jams from the back of a flat-bed trailer, and of course you always have your vendors selling everything from T-shirts to leather du-rags.

Bikers came from all over the state, plus I saw groups from Tennessee and Georgia, too. It was just one big party with thousands of bikers all getting along for a good cause, I didn't see not one fuss or scuffle. What surprised me the most was the fact that 80% of the people there were gray haired! LOTS of them were in their 60s, 70s, and even a few in their 80s! I guess this what they mean about the "Golden Years", no one told me that they were spent on the back of a Gold Wing!

We all had a blast and then everyone wandered back home whenever they felt like it. I'll post more when I get the pics to go with it. I always do better when I have visual aids.

NIPPLE-TINGLING WEATHER

It's in the mid 40s outside but Sweet Thang's out there polishing his Fat Boy for the March of Dimes Bikers for Babies ride in the morning.

We leave Huntsville at 9 AM and ride to Leeds, a little over 200 miles away. It's going to be a chilly trip, low 40s when we start out and the high is only gonna be in low 70s. The breeze on a bike will make the wind chill drop WAY DOWN!

I'm bundling up and hoping Sweet Thang's wide back will knock off most of the wind. There'll be hundreds of bikers meeting at Leeds and lots of activities when we get there. Fun for all and it's for a good cause, too.

I probably won't be back in time to post tomorrow, so y'all keep your fingers crossed that everything goes well and I don't get frost bite! I'll give you the details when I can.

STEPPING OUT

This article in The New York Times scared me into getting off the couch and on my feet. In particular this quote made my heart go pitty-pat and not in a good way:

The researchers published their data in the May 3 issue of The Journal of the American Medical Association, finding that being unable to walk a quarter mile within five minutes portended troubles. For each minute beyond five, the risk of dying in the next four years increased by a third, the risk of having a heart attack
increased by 20 percent, and the risk of having a disability increased by half. Those who took more than six minutes for the quarter-mile walk had the same risk of dying or having a heart attack as those who could not walk the distance at all, and the effect was independent of age.

What's really scary is the fact that my Mom was bed-ridden by the time she was in her mid-60s and dead before she reached 70. Damn, I'm pushing 51 hard and heavy! Most of that shit is hereditary and as much as I love my family our genetics don't bode well for longevity. My maternal grandfather died of a massive heart attack in his early thirties as did several cousins, and the rest of our kin usually kick the bucket anywhere from 50 to 75!!

I do believe it's time to break out my walking shoes and go visit Mother Nature. I can walk and look at the changing colors, the weather is much nicer to get outdoors without breaking a sweat; plus it'll help get my tired old heart and my wobbly ass in better shape.

Who's up for a hike and a picnic?

PURTY POOTY PUTY-TAT

When I got home from work yesterday, I got me a little stray pussy. What was that you said? NO! Get your minds out of the gutter, I don't swing that way!! Not that I couldn't if I wanted to, me being the vibrant sexy mature woman that I am, but I prefer the male of the species; this stray doesn't happen to swim in my part of the gene pool.

When I got out of the car, my posse of puppies had an itty bitty kitty hemmed up in the corner of the carport. I can't believe she was brave (or foolish) enough to wander up in a yard full of yammering slobbering k-nines! Naturally I had to wade through the squirming barking pack of pooches, rescue the errant feline, and bring her in the house. She's skinny as hell and hobbling around 3 legged, but nothing seems to be broken. I figure that the hounds gnawed on her back leg a bit before I got home. The leg just seems to be a little tender; it sure hasn't stopped her from jumping up on the furniture.

The kitten appears to have a lot if Siamese in her, she's got the biggest blue eyes you've ever seen, that foxy-shaped face the breed is known for, and her fur is Siamese gray except she's got rings around her tail and lacks the black markings on her legs.

Rufus is pissed at the invasion, this is his house and he doesn’t plan to share with anyone; man, dog or kitten. He stalks around all offended and huffy with every hair on his body standing straight up. Every time the kitten tries to make friends he hisses and growls like a bull dog (I never heard that sound out of him before!) but so far there's been no bloodshed or mayhem. Personally, I think his bark meow is worse than his bite. Rufus is sticking to high ground and leering down at the kitten like a vulture waiting for dinner to die. He's gonna have to come down one day and I figure that's when the battle of the puty-tats will be on.

We have one major problem with this lovable foundling. She's a bit, er, odoriferous, pungent, miasmic; you know gassy. Hell, the cat farts every 5 minutes. This tiny bit of fluff gives off a nauseous stink that is curdling the paint on the walls and will burn the hair out of your nose. It's hard to believe that such a small body can emit such a awful stench! I don't know if it's something she ate while scavenging around on her own or what, but I hope it's not a permanent thing because I'm not sure I can stand the smell. Of course her pooty propensity explains 2 things, why we've named her "Stinky" and the title of this post.


On a lighter note, Sweet Thang showed up at the door with roses, JUST BECAUSE. Damn, I must be doing something right!

DISTURBING FASHIONS

"Kangaroo scrotum pouches are unusual sentimental little gifts that last and remembered for a long time because of its uniqueness. "

OK, now I've seen it all. I found this link over at Toxic Twat's blog and just had to pass it on. Guess we'll have to ask Apos about how popular these are, her being an Aussie and all. And it's not a one hit wonder, here's another site advertising the recycled nut sacs as:

"special elegant outrageous unusual gifts for wedding, St. Valentines, birthday, etc. small romantic gifts with big sentimental value"

I can see it now, "Honey, I love you so much I got you a scrotum of your very own".

Of course you have to pay extra for the fancy unusually sexy shaped Collectable Pouches.

Wonder if PETA knows about this shit?

CHOCOLATE

While shopping with Karen the other day, it struck me how out of shape and "well rounded" I've become. While the size 2 hussy was happily browsing in the Jr. Department {bitching the whole time about everything being too big} all I could think was, "I couldn't put one leg in those jeans if my life depended on it!" She handed me a slinky top that looked like something Barbie would wear & sported a Jr. XLG tag, gushing "That'd be so cute on you". But when I held it up to my bulging bosoms no matter how much I stretched the darn thing its side seams barely reached from nipple to nipple. So we moseyed over to the Women's Department in search of something stylish for me. Yeah, you guessed it. All the outfits my size looked like something my Grandmother would wear.

Damn it, I may be 50 but I'm a long way from being MATRONLY! I'm a hip, happening adult woman in the prime of my life with my best years ahead of me (I hope they're not behind me, I haven't done half the things I planned to do with my life!!) I'm still sexy {shut up, I hear snickering}, attractive {I SAID SHUT UP OUT THERE!}, and desirable.
{OK go ahead and laugh. Let me know when you're finished so I can continue this post}.

I'm not stupid, I know I need to lose a pound or 10 and that my blood sugar has been running a little high. I just hate to give up cooking and eating good food, and trying to find time to do that dreaded torture {deep breath}, EXERCISE.

I vowed to myself that I would do better. After all, Jackie Sue has been low carbing it for a while now and bragging about how her shorts are starting to sag off her butt and how her cheekbones are showing for the first time in a while. I'll just use ol' JS for inspiration!

So I packed a good-for-me lunch to bring to work: celery sticks, baby carrots, a salad with one of those spritz dressings, eggs and spinach. Low carb, low fat. Good for me even if not very appetizing.

Repeating to myself "The snack machine is evil and I will not be drawn in by it's promises of sweetness and pastries" over and over in the car, I drove right by all the fast food places in town and zoomed by all the service stations along the 23 mile trip I make each way every day and into the parking lot at work, battling visions of Nacho BelGrandes, Big Macs and Krispy Kreams the entire way.

I marched by the company cafeteria, where the tempting odors of fried fish, fried shrimp, French fries & chocolate cake tickled my nose with their greasy Siren call all the way through the clock alley and out the door. OK, I'm doing extremely well! The 10 minute walk through the plant to where I work is even exercise! See, I can do this.


Then Disaster! IT'S SCHOOL FUND RAISING TIME. Right next to my work station is a great big box of those $1 chocolate bars! Ones with Almonds! Enticing me, luring me, teasing me and I've stuck here with Hershey's goodness stareing me in the face for 12 solid hours.

I'm a weak person......... A bad woman............ A glutton............ I have no will power.

{hangs head in shame}

I'VE GOT CHOCOLATE ON MY FINGERS

I feel soooooo guilty. Can I have a do-over? I'll start again tomorrow........ I promise I'll do better............

HEY! Wait a minute, does this mean I can eat all the chocolate I want tonight?????

GILDA BUTT

Karen and I spent the day shopping in Decatur for Halloween decorations, tiz the season ya' know. Imagine my surprise when I found my alter-ego!!

Check out the size of those boobs! Anyone who knows me and my bodacious boobs (and the equally sizable knockers belonging to several of my bodacious real life sisters) can see that this has got to be a long lost sister of ours.

I've named her Gilda Butt {after Bertha Butt & the Butt Sisters immortalized in the song "TROGLODYTE (CAVE MAN)" by the Jimmy Castor Bunch}. Look at that the size and roundness of that ass and you'll know why!

See, my butt sticks out like that too! Told you Gilda was my alter ego. This is what I look like on Halloween night, only I'm better looking {insert modest blush here}.


I scored some glow-in-the-dark bats and a few other witchy looking things. Tomorrow I'll start doing up the yard and getting in the "spirit" of things. Until next time,
BOO, Y'ALL

CARPORT COOKING

The weather didn't cooperate with our outdoor plans, so we pulled the gas grill underneath the carport and Sweet Thang did the grilling while I made roasted garlic smashed potatoes with rosemary and a big batch of turnip greens.

What is it about men and fire? They see a flame and want to char a piece of meat. Must be the caveman left over in 'em! We spent the weekend riding the roads, just chilling and enjoying each other's company. Who says you have to stay inside just because of a little rain!

Here you seem him petting Blackie (Mama Dog) while watching the grill in case of flame-ups. As you can see, the hussy ate all that lovin' up. I gotta get her to the vet, I can't afford any more puppies (13 on her first in-heat!). It's gonna be a problem because she's terrified of riding, must be because she was a stray. Someone dropped her close to the house and she's afraid she's gonna be orphaned again. Dogs are smarter than most people give them credit for. I truly believe she remembers that last car ride and being put out, sitting in the middle of the road and watching her last owners driving away leaving her all alone to fend for herself.

My flower bed is a wreck because of the puppies (I've got 9 left, anybody need a pooch?). Here's one playing peek-a-boo through my jasmine. They've got it pulled half way off the trellis. Oh well, it's tough and they can't kill it, and most of the flowers in the bed are gone anyway. I'll worry about more flowers next spring and maybe I'll find homes for some of the remaining babies.

This is Drennon and Rufus (Rufus is the one with the fur coat).
Rufus is another stray that just showed up at the house a couple of years ago. I guess the word got around that the crazy lady who lives here would feed anything that hung around long enough........

Nothing much going on around here, so as Bugs Bunny says "That's all folks".

ANGEL FOOD MINISTRIES

The government is sponsoring Angel Food Ministries, a non-profit, non-denominational organization dedicated to providing grocery relief and financial support to communities throughout the United States. This program is not income based, anyone can sign up and get food. All the food is government surplus, so don't feel like someone else deserves/needs it more than you.

Although the food distribution is through Churches, they don't preach or try to convert you. So sign up even if you're Pagan, Wiccan, Agnostic, Atheist or whatever.

For $25 you get a big box of food which included lots of meat and a few other items. Believe me, this is a good deal, you get way more than $25 worth of food. One box is supposed to feed a family of 4 for a week or and an elderly person for a month with a few extras bought at the store.

Go to the website and check the hosts (click on your state), it'll give you the places where you go to sign up and pick up your food. There's a different menu each month (you have to take what's offered, you can't pick and choose) and you can buy as many boxes as you want plus there are extra deals you can purchase after you buy the main box.

Even if you're not interested, I'm sure you know someone who this will help. They don't advertise, so word of mouth is the only way to get the word out. This is one of the few things that our government has done that I can approve of. Help spread the word.

WEEKEND DELIGHT

I've finally got a few days off and there are so many things going on this weekend that I can't decide what to do first! I won't have time to do them all but dang it I hate to miss anything {sticks lip out in a fetching pout} Here's just a partial rundown of the local doings:



Huntsville's Big Spring Jam is one of the premier events in the South, with 3 days of partying, 5 different stages all performing at the same time and 95 top musicians ranging from Bo Bice to Casting Crows to Sugarland to KC & the Sunshine Band. Every year they have a different headline act and this year it's Joan Jett and the Blackhearts pushing their new album, Sinner.

Of course fall is the time of year for local fairs and carnivals. The Morgan County Fair in Decatur, Al. has already started and is going on through the weekend. The Moulton fair was last weekend and with me working overtime I missed it. Plus on Saturday night one of main events is WWF and the grandson is a BIG wrestling fan so you know he's expecting Nana to take him!

I just wish that I could handle all the rides like I used to but my stomach flips upside down and I get queasy real fast in my old age! I rode one thing-a-ma-jig last year that had you dangling from a bare seat out in the wide open air {with nothing holding you in but a couple of shoulder bars} while it turned you upside down and tried to shake your liver out --- that sucker dang near killed me {that was sister Lana's fault, she tricked me & Karen into getting on}. I thought I was gonna die before I could excape from the devilish thing!

Just a few miles from the house there's the annual Antique and Apple festival. This event is packed every year and you can buy everything from fruit to furniture to handmade Indian jewelry. Don't know if I'll make it this time, which might not be a bad thing, because I usually wind up spending WAY too much money on stuff that I don't really need.

There's also a poker run to raise funds for CHALYBEATE FIRE AND RESCUE MOTORCYCLE FUN RIDE {these are some of the guys who service my part of the country and are right down the road from me). Sweet Thang is talking about riding in it, but I've got to take care of some business and can't go, damn it.

So there you have it....... I'm not working this weekend but I'll be burning the roads up running around ....... Bopping and jamming out to some good music, eating cotton candy at the fair and blowing my hard earned $$$ on useless but pretty junk. If the rain let's me that is, it's already rained once and all the happenings are outside. Hope y'all have a good week end as well.

IT'S A MAN'S WORLD

I'm not going to say "We told you so" but:
TRANSGENDERED SCIENTIST SAYS BIAS AGAINST WOMEN EXISTS Quote:

When he was Barbara, he was discouraged from attending MIT, and people thought he must have had a boyfriend who helped him with difficult math. Later, when living as Ben, Barres overhead another scientist say that "Ben Barres gave a great seminar today, but his work is much better than his sister's [Barbara's] work."

As a man who used to be a woman, Ben knows all to well that we're still a long way from equal rights, no matter they tell us. Things are better than they've ever been but to paraphrase a little, "Baby, we've got a long way to go".

Our daughters, nieces and granddaughters will be bumping their heads on the same glass ceiling that has plagued us all and I don't know about y'all, but I'm tired of the headaches. I work in a male dominated industry and although I'm respected and doing well now, I went through a rough rite of passage in my many jobs to get here.

It seemed that I had to do twice as good a job as the men to get equal credit and that's not right. Lets not even mention the ass pinching, booby grabbing, "I'll scratch your back..........", "What's a nice girl........" shit that went along with being a female in a "man's world" and had to be endured in order to gain acceptance. If you turned down their "offers" or were good at mechanical/physical/mathematical things (considered guy stuff) you were snidely called a "lezbo" or "Dyke" (apologies to any lesbians out there, these guys considered this to be the worst thing you could call a female).

Maybe one of these days people will figure out that the female brain is exactly the same size as the male's. Women are still an untapped resource all over the world and unless/until everyone realizes it, life for most is going to continue to be a struggle.

If single mothers could get a decent job they could get off of public assistance and pay for day care. If parents raised girls with the same expectations as boys more of them would worry about education and a job rather than starting to plan their wedding from the age of 13. Teachers need to spend the same amount of time mentoring young girls as they do the guys ...... The increased education and self respect would cause our single unwed mother headcount to plunge.

WARNING:
There's a large brain above these big boobs

and I know how to use all three.

That makes me a

TRIPLE THREAT!

CRAFTY

Amazing what a difference only a little paint and a lot of talent can do!


BEFORE

AND AFTER!!!!

Looks fabulous, doesn't it? Wish I could take credit but I do good just to slap a coat of paint on a wall.

This is the work of a lady who lives a few miles down the road from me and got wrote up in the local paper for her painting abilities.

Folks, she didn't use anything but a new kind of concrete paint or stain or whatever the heck it is! Hard to believe that the whole thing wasn't repaved isn't it. All those fancy smancy bricks and tiles and borders are faux, false, nonexistent....... Just eye-tricking brushwork!

Wonder if she works cheap?

BANNED BOOK WEEK

I've always been the type to buck authority, "NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!" That includes censoring my reading material.

A lot of my early sex education came from smuggled copies of everything from Grandmother Water's True Confession and True Romance magazines to the tattered copies of paperbacks like Lady Chatterly's Lover(online edition, I have a hardback copy in my bookshelves) and Fanny Hill-Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure(online edition) that were passed from preteen girl to preteen girl at school along with whispers of "Did you read this?" Speculation ran rampant about if OUR PARENTS actually did such things as:

............. for as soon as he had kiss'd me, he rolled down the bed-cloaths, and seemed transported with the view of all my person at full length, which he cover'd with a profusion of kisses, sparing no part of me. Then, being on his knees between my legs, he drew up his shirt and bared all his hairy thighs, and stiff staring truncheon, red-topt and rooted into a thicket of curls, which covered his belly to the navel and gave it the air of a flesh brush; and soon I felt it joining close to mine, when he had drove the nail up to the head, and left no partition but the intermediate hair on both sides.

Books have been banned for myriad reasons. Everything from the Bible to Tom Sawyer to Ulysses has been the "NO NO" list.

The American Library Association and many other organizations are fighting to help you keep the RIGHT to read what you please with Banned Books Week, taking place this year Sept. 23-30, sponsored by the American Booksellers Association, the American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression, the Association of American Publishers, the American Society of Journalists and Authors, the National Association of College Stores, and endorsed by the Library of Congress Center for the Book. At google.com/bannedbooks, you can use Google Book Search to explore some of the best novels of the 20th century which have been challenged or banned.

While libraries and bookstores around the country celebrate the 25th anniversary of Banned Books Week with special readings, displays, and more, you just might end up with a visit to your local library or bookstore and an old favorite or a new banned book in hand.

You can find online books at these and lots of other locations on the web:
EServer, (founded in 1990, now based at Iowa State University).
The Online Book Page
The Internet Public Library
Page by Page Books
Project Gutenberg
Bibliomania (this one is nice)

SEX THERAPY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams and various tests and then concluded,

"Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's privates. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his winky. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news.

"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends, the Browns, now please, please help us. "Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios... "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANOTHER MEME

I'm tired of blogging about work and I haven't done anything else blogworthy ( working 7 12's will do that to ya') so I'll just give you this meme that I received from Osray in an email.

1. FIRST NAME? Vicki
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Don't know, Mom said when they married Dad informed her that their first child would be Ricky/Vicki. No idea why
3. LAST CRY? At a movie
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sure
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey
6. KIDS? 1
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I hope so
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Me.........
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? I love the idea but I don't think my body could stand it at my age
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Apple Jacks
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes, but not like I used to be
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Orange-pineapple
16. SHOE SIZE? Anywhere from 8-9
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My weight
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My parents
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Since I put in on my blog, I don't think so, unless someone else wants to do it
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Stained faded blue jeans, barefoot
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Football game on TV
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Green
25. FAVORITE SMELL? Wild lilacs
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Guy at work
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Body language
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? YES, he's a sweetheart
29. FAVORITE DRINK? Diet Dew
30. FAVORITE SPORT? I really don't do sports
31. EYE COLOR? Hazel
32. HAT SIZE. Don't know for sure, small
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope
34. FAVORITE FOOD? Anything Mexican or Italian
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Both
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATER? Talladega Nights and Monster House at the drive-in
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Gray
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Hey!!! Summer for sure!
39. HUGS OR KISSES? Both
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Homemade Banana Pudding
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Nary a clue (Um...Nope. I can't guess. I have no idea who may or may not be in the mood to do one of these things...It'll just have to be a surprise!) ;)
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Most folks
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Naked Came The Phoenix , The Descent ( for the 4th time,I love this book!) and Dark Passage. Hey, I read a lot.
44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Dell
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV ? No TV last night
46. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SOUNDS? The sounds of Mother Nature
47. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Stones
48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Hawaii
50. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Moulton, AL
51. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Osray from Washington